Scottie Pippen In Tears, and Not ‘Cuz He’s So Goddamn Ugly

Scottie Pippen, the NBA’s all-time greatest 2nd banana, was in tears today in Cook County Court.

The jury awarded the NBA legend a $2 million settlement against two of his former attorneys in a case related to Pippen’s purchase of a $4 million Gulfstream jet in 2002. The greatest perimeter defender in league history proved to be quite the plaintiff in this case-get it?! Defender, plaintiff?! Haha.

Pippen’s tears were most likely met with screams of agony by the service industries of the Windy City.

He is said to have worked hard to achieve his nickname, “No Tippin’ Pippen”, throughout his years of making MILLIONS of dollars. He somehow even qualified for over $26k/year in farm subsidies from 1995-2002. You would think he could have at least given that to the poor wait staff he spent years boning out of their hard earned money.  Now, I didn’t grow up dirt poor in bum-f**ked Arkansas, nor did I make upwards of $70 million in 16 years. I still leave 20%.

My own background leads me to have SLIGHT sympathy for the newest inductee into the Hall of Fame. My grandfather was a tightwad, my dad a cheapskate, and it’s a tradition I GLADLY continue.

My parent’s neighbor, a guy we lovingly refer to as Uncle Dennis, used to say about my father:  “He wouldn’t pay a nickel to watch the Pope take a s**t in Times Square.” And he’s right-my old man wouldn’t. I loved Pip as a kid for the way he played the game, and that f**king  RUTHLESS dunk on the Missing Link.

But when it comes to screwing the people that serve you food, and having a $4 million air museum piece, my compassion runs thin. So do what you do best Pip, and MAN UP.