The NFL Quarterback Countdown: From Worst to First [2010]

Two weeks until the Super Bowl. How will we pass the time?

For me, I decided the best way to pass the time was to rank the quarterbacks in the NFL based on their performances from this season. Because that’s what I do.

The Larry Gigli Group: Absolutely Unwatchable.

32. Jimmy Clausen and the misfits in Carolina. One of the worst performances at the quarterback position that I have ever seen, and it wasn’t because of a lack of weapons. Steve Smith is a fantastic talent, and your running game has historically been solid. Even Andrew Luck doesn’t want you as a backup.

31. Derek Anderson, Max Hall, and the Cardinal bunch. Though Derek may think it’s funny to be this bad, it isn’t. It’s sad, and Larry Fitzgerald is rotting away in the dessert.

30. Brett Favre. Never has a star fallen as far as the Old Gunslinger.

The Buddy Amaral group: Nearly unwatchable.

29. Donovan McNabb. Philly was roasted for giving up McNabb to a division rival. Turns out the Iggles knew exactly what they were letting go.

28. Chad Henne. The Miami offense is God awful, including the two dinosaurs in the backfield. Not even Brandon Marshall could save them. Good news for Dolphins fans… Cleveland’s former offensive coordinator Brian Dabol is taking his talents to South Beach next season. And we all know how explosive the Browns have been the last few years.

27. Matt Hasselbeck. Playoffs? PLAYOFFS? You think I give a damn about PLAYOFFS? 7 wins in the NFC West, and more interceptions than touchdowns. Smoke and mirrors, Matt. You stink.

26. Kerry Collins. Probably would have ranked him lower if he would have started the whole year, but wading through the filth that Vince Young left behind gained him some bonus points.

25. Matthew Stafford, Shaun Hill and Drew Stanton. Just throw the damn ball to Calvin Johnson from now on.

24. Alex and Troy Smith. I actually blame Singletary for this season, so you both get a pass.

23. Mark Sanchez. I don’t care what you say. This guy stinks. Seriously… WATCH him play. A QB rating of 75, and he has the accuracy of an autistic sharpshooter walking on the agro-crag.

The Captain Rafe McCawley group: It’s not your fault man… blame Josh Hartnett.

22. Sam Bradford. It’s not your fault Mark Clayton’s knee blew.

21. Ryan Fitzpatrick. It’s not your fault that some guy named Steve Johnson is your best weapon.

20. Carson Palmer. It’s not your fault that you aren’t a leader. Wait.. maybe it is.

The AJ Frost Group: “Hey, at least he’s banging Liv Tyler!”

19. Jason Campbell. Hey, at least he’s not Jamarcus Russell.

18. Colt McCoy. Hey, at least he’s not Jake Delhomme.

17. Eli Manning. Hey, at least he’s not Cooper Manning.

16. Joe Flacco. Hey, at least he’s not Trent Dilfer.

The Jack Ryan Group: “Ok, this guy does have some talent after all…”

15. Kyle Orton. Replacing the beloved media darling Jay Cutler in Denver wasn’t the problem. The problem was chucking the ball 500 times this season. Whatever happened to that stable of running backs that Denver used to produce?

14. Jay Cutler. Replacing fan-favorite Kyle Orton in Chicago wasn’t the problem. Mike Martz was. Despite the recent shots taken at Cutler, the guy was solid all year.

13. Josh Freeman. Twenty five touchdowns and six interceptions, making the Bucs relevant.

12. John Kitna. I know it’s laughable to put a guy like John Kitna this high on the list, but Kitna slung the rock, managed the egos, and lead a team of otherwise un-lead-able guys after Romo was lost for the season.

11. David Garrard. On the ground and in the air, Garrard is a tough cover playing in a very good division.

The Jim Young Group: “They say money can’t buy happiness? Look at the f**king smile on my face. Ear to ear, baby.”

10. Drew Brees. 25 picks were a touch high, but dealt with an injured running game all year and made it look easy.

9. Phillip Rivers. A statistical monster in the first 10 games, but fell off down the stretch. Plus, not winning the AFC West is a joke.

8. Matt Cassell. Though winning the AFC West is a joke, Cassel went 27 touchdowns to only 7 picks, and was rock solid down the stretch. Utilized Dwayne Bowe early and often, and that’s what you need to do to win if you’re Kansas City.

7. Matt Schaub. The offense wasn’t the problem this year in Houston… and with Matt Schaub under center, I doubt it will be anytime soon.

6. Tom Brady. Relax, Chowder Heads. Brady had an amazing statistical season, but choked when it counted. Plus, his hair makes me want to punch him in the head.

5. Matt Ryan. Lead the Falcons to a first round bye, was phenomenal all year, but unfortunately ran into a buzz saw that is the Green Bay Packers in the playoffs.

4. Peyton Manning. Dealt with injuries around him all year, and continued to be the cream of the crop at the quarterback position in the NFL.

The Fred O’Bannion Group: “Y’all ready to bust some ass?”

3. Aaron Rogers. When Rogers was good, the Packers were great. When Rogers was bad… the Packers stunk. The kid from Cal is one win away from having as many Super Bowl rings as Brett Favre. Think about that.

2. Michael Vick. Simply put, the most unstoppable quarterback in the NFL. Accurate. Smart. Dangerous in every aspect of the word.

The Chuckie Sullivan Group: Maybe it’s because of the supporting cast… but that guy is fantastic.

1. Ben Roethlisberger. The stats won’t wow you. The personal conduct could probably use a little tweaking. He could probably stand to shave a little more often, but this guy is a winner. An absolute winner, and if I needed to pick one guy to lead my team to a playoff win, this is my pick. And it isn’t even close.