Yesterday, the Miami Heat confirmed that even they know that their fan base is the worst in professional sports. They released a “public service announcement” of sorts to their “fans”, giving them guidelines about how to properly root for a team. They are calling on their followers to “Fan Up”, and have a useful handout (see below) and video to accompany said philosophy.
Having to explain to your fans what it means to be a fan is a sure sign that they are, in fact, ass-hats. And don’t start, Miami apologists, about how much sweet s**t there is to do in Miami and that’s why no one shows up on time. There are 5.5 million people in the Miami-Dade metro area-are you telling me that every f**king one of them is too zapped on UV rays and Ecstasy to make it to a 7 pm tip? I refuse to believe that. I think the problem is that everyone in the city of Miami THINKS they are the coolest motherf**ker on the planet. Guess what, greasy rave guy-you are about as cool as a bowl of hot sauce and you have an all-star team playing basketball 41 times a year in town. Get your skinny jeans and 8 ball to the arena for the jump. You just have to start doing drugs on the beach a half hour sooner, that’s all.
In regards to this ridiculous announcement by the Heat, how f**king glorious is it that the biggest attention whore of our time, The Whore of Akron, is forced to play his games in front of smaller crowds than he did in high school? Meanwhile, the team he stuck it to on national TV is 2ndin the league in attendance. And James’ sweet new collection of Superfriends has thus far looked to be totally incapable of handling good teams, which is not a good sign come playoff time. Karma is indeed, a cold cold bitch.
