And The Next Member Of The Miami Heat Is…

These days it’s become fashionable for seemingly every two bit, washed up ballplayer to express their desire to play for the Miami Heat. First, it was Penny Hardaway.  Then, out of NOWHERE comes the ghost of Stephon Marbury, followed closely by the corpse of Shaquille O’Neal. Lil Penny is a 39-year-old with a million-year-old’s legs. Starbury is, well, Starbury. Given the right odds, I could be tempted to take some action that he’ll sign with the Bungals before the Heat. And Shaq looks like he died and forgot to fall over. See for yourself.

But here’s my suggestion to you, Miami Heat. Sign me, this guy, the writer. I will only cost a fraction of those other zombies, and I will bring the fun.

Don’t think so? Just check out this pic of me as the best man at a wedding.  That’s fun f**king defined. Nothing says “team chemistry” like a pan full of whipped cream to the face. Look at MLB-they do that s**t all the time. Plus I’m a BIG fan of partying. I will take all “NBA-Road-Skank” gathering duties from Dwyane Wade and the Dirtbag Duo, and allow them to focus on crushing the league.

Since I won’t be drawing any minutes from my spot at the end of the bench, I will have plenty of ho scoutin’ time. I’ve also drawn up a handy contract that all skeezers MUST sign before they even get to look at my Three New Best Friends. See BELOW. And with the salary I’ll be drawing, I’ll make Brian Scalabrine look like the potato mashin’ bum that he dresses like. I excel at towel-waving, fist-bumping, and friend-making. My only drawback? I’m whiter than a nun’s undies, so I don’t do so well on the actual beach. Nothing a little (a lot) SPF can’t handle!!

So c’mon, whaddya say Coach Riles??! Give a guy a break. F**k Spoelstra, they won’t listen to him anyway-I’m the straw that stirs the drink!!

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Contract to be in the presence of Dwayne Wade and The Dirtbag Duo(aka LeBron James and Chris Bosh)

I, (slut’s name goes here), hereby do agree that, in order to spend time with the above mentioned three (3) persons, I shall abide by the following regulations. Should I violate or deviate from any of the following regulations, I also consent to the punishments results.

1. I agree that, should I bang LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and/or Chris Bosh, I will not claim they “put it in my butt” after the fact, even if they did. Should such a ridiculous claim be made, I will allow Larry King to interview me, while referring to me only as “whore, slut, hussy, harlot, skank, skeezer, lot lizard, gutter snipe, etc.” It will be broadcast live, as if it’s the State of the Union. On all networks.
2. In the aforementioned event, prior to the live television extravaganza known as “The Exposition”, I will get a large, scarlet “a”, tattooed on my forehead. Mr. King will occasionally refer to my new mark.
3. Should one of the three, (Wade, James, and/or Bosh), decide to “leave one in me”, and I spawn a “love child”, I agree not to go public with the claim. I agree that it will be on my own dirty, whorish fault if I become pregnant. Should I go public with the revelation, I agree to forfeit my custody to the above mentioned player, and I will also make a donation to the charity of their choice.

 I agree to all above clauses, and any other that the above mentioned three (3) players can think of.

Slut’s Name _______________________________     

Date_______________________