Locker Room Stories: “I’m Gonna F**king Kill You”

Locker Room Stories is a contest in which readers submit their favorite stories to share with the world. 

As a reward for their efforts, the writer of the funniest story will win a 1956 Topps Jackie Robinson baseball card.

This LRS was submitted by reader Anthony H:

Every year in high school there was a boxing tournament held at Hubbard High School in Youngstown, Ohio. A few friends and I all decided to sign up for it.

The first year 3 of us ended up making it to the finals. My friend Mike and I both lost in the final fight but my friend Brandon won and got to take home the championship belt.

The next year we signed up to do it again. Well the second week Brandon couldn’t make it to his fight due to the fact that his parents had grounded him.

So when the heads of the tournament called his name, I told my friend Jack to step up and say he would fight for Brandon so he wouldn’t get disqualified. They weren’t having it and immediately shut him down.

Brandon was about 5’10” and 165 lbs. Jack was about 5’ 6” and 145 lbs. and never boxed before. He was however a wrestler growing up and we all played football. Jack is also the silliest f**king person I’ve ever met. He once ate a tree frog for $5.

Anyways right before the fight they called Brandon Holmes to the locker room to get ready for his fight. I told Jack that he could go in there and say he was Brandon and they would never know.

Sure enough they wrapped up his wrists, gave him shorts, and slapped on the gloves. While I was helping Jack get ready to fight as Brandon, his opponent walked into the locker room.

He had to be the tallest, lankiest, and bitchiest kid in the tournament. (About 6’3 160 lbs.). I looked at Jack and said “you better beat the s**t out of this kid Jack.” I told him that he had better talk s**t to him too and try to scare him.

On our way out of the locker room we walked past the kid and Jack stared him down, turned around and slammed his fist off the locker, and just screamed as loud as he could in the kids face, “AHHHHHH!! I’m gonna f**king kill you” he said.

It took everything I had to keep a straight face.

Just before the fight while I was in Jacks corner I gave him one last piece of advice. I told him just go right at the kid and try to beat the hell out of him.
When the bell rang Jack took off full speed towards the kid and unleashed on him.

The fight ended and as they raised Jacks hand they announced Brandon’s name as the winner. The heads of the tournament never found out and Brandon came back the following weeks to win his second belt.

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