JOCKpost’s NFL Predictions – AFC

Let’s be honest with one another.  I NAILED my bold NFL predictions last season.  Don’t click the link… just trust me.  I’m serious.  Don’t click the link.

Since I hammered that drive right down the fairway, I’ll give it another shot with predictions for each NFL team for 2011.  Here are my thoughts on the AFC.

Baltimore Ravens– Defense has been the Raven’s calling card since Trent Dilfer hoisted the Lombardi Trophy over his head, but it’s starting to get interesting in Baltimore.  Joe Flacco is emerging as a solid young signal caller, Ray Rice is as dangerous a back that the league has, and a solid core of pass-catchers makes this team a near playoff lock.  Crab cakes and football.  That’s what Maryland does. 

Cincinnati Bengals – The Bengals front office is about as stable as Ronnie and Sammy after a night fist pumping on the Jersey Shore.  Andy Dalton is a ginger, so you know he won’t be a successful NFL quarterback.  The Bengals are going to be terrible, and have a legitimate shot at the first overall pick in 2012, but it doesn’t really matter.  Knowing the Bungals, they will probably screw up Andrew Luck anyway.

Pittsburgh Steelers– It’s not a secret.  I think that the Pittsburgh Steelers are a bunch of criminals.   That being said, they are a hell of a football team.  The defense is nasty, and Mike Wallace is one of the great young wide outs in the NFL.  Playoffs for the Steelers.

Cleveland Browns– Who doesn’t love Colt McCoy?  The young QB is an “aww shucks” away from battling the evil wizard for Amanda Bryne’s love on the big screen in an animated Disney movie.  The kid has the “it” factor, and while the Browns are typically the punch line of NFL jokes, Colt may change that.  Rookie Greg Little is a freight train and Evan Moore is doing his best Antonio Gates impression this preseason.  Heading in the right direction, Colt.

Houston Texans– They are going to score in bunches, but they are going to give up a ton of points.  Their division isn’t very good and Andre Johnson may or may not be an Avatar.  This could be the most exciting team to watch in the NFL.

Indianapolis Colts – Peyton Manning’s neckis the difference between 11-5 and 5-11.  Manning has never missed a game due to injury in his entire NFL career.  Even if he does play, the neck isn’t 100% and this marks the beginning of the end for one of the most prolific passers in the history of the national football league.

Tennessee Titans – Chris Johnson wants to get paid.  Tennessee stinks with him.  Without him?  They are unwatchable.  It’s going to be a long year in Nashville.  Giddy up.

Jacksonville Jaguars – Pocket Hercules has a bum knee, and that means that David Garrard is going to have to take it upon himself to win games.  Read that first sentence again and then guess what my predictions for the Jaguars is going to be.  I have more faith that Dave ended up with Toni after Paradise Hotel ended than I do in David Garrard leading this team to the promise land.

Buffalo Bills– Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard.  So they’ve got that going for them.

Miami Dolphins– Reggie Bush saw Kim Kardashian naked.  So they’ve got that going for them.

New England Patriots– Tom Brady is coming off a season where he was unanimously voted the Most Valuable Player, the first time that has ever happened.  The Pats traded for Chad Ochocinco, who despite his awful surname, is a fantastic pass catcher.  Playoffs and beyond for the Hoodie and his boys.

New York Jets – Rex Ryan is an unlikable blob of diabetes and brow-sweat.  His quarterback is a pretty boy noodle arm and his big play wide receiver shot himself in the leg, ala Cheddar Bob.  Still, this team has been to the AFC Championship game in back to back years.  Tough to discount that.

Denver Broncos– Orton is in.  Tebow is out.  Look for God to strike down John Fox with a relentless vengeance for sitting Touchdown Jesus.  Maybe Fox can ask God to have Moses and Noah suit up and play defensive back.  This putrid defense could use all the help it can get.  Until the get that fixed, this is a bad team in a bad division.

Kansas City Chiefs– Jamaal Charles is really good, so I fully expect Todd Haley to grossly underutilize him.  KC will be neck and neck with the Chargers this year, but will ultimately miss out on the AFC West crown, which is roughly the equivalent of being runner up for Miss Teen West Virgina.

San Diego Chargers– Phillip Rivers is awesome.  His weapons are back this year and reportedly healthy, so I see no reason they won’t take the AFC West title and strut into the playoffs, only to get dismantled by the Steelers in snowy Pittsburgh.

Oakland Raiders – Don’t even get me started on these idiots.