Hey Ladies! Put Out More And You Won’t Need These Things! [Videos]

If you’ve ever been stoned out of your gourd, munching on Cheetos at 3 in the morning, watching some late-night infomercials, then you know what I’m talking about.

Go ahead, call off tomorrow and try it yourself – it’s worth it.

Inexplicably, most late night infomericals are for exercise contraptions.  Aside from that not making a whole bunch of sense (how many stoned-ass Cheetoh-eating motherf**kers do you know who are awake at 3am and just can’t wait to spend $200 on a squatter? None?  That’s what I thought.) — have you ever noticed how completely and unabashedly sexual these contraptions are?

First you have the Shake Weight.  Which 100% looks like the user is giving a big double-fisted hand job.  There’s no other way it could look.  Give it to Charles Barkley and see what he can do with it.  According to Kenny Smith, if you use it too much you may go blind.

Then I saw the 3-Minute-Legs workout and lost it.  I watched it for at least 10 minutes, completely busting my gut.

This device straight up makes women do the missionary-position f**k squat repeatedly to tone tighs, etc.  Watch the video below if you’re in the mood to watch simulated sex sans dude.

It has been proven that sex helps you lose weight. We could go three ways with this.

A) It’s possible that the only people watching these commercials are dudes who like their spank-bank to contain only super-lightweight-softcore.

B) Next, maybe the women who are watching at 3am are so fat and nasty that they can’t even get a guy to let her jerk him off.  For any fat-ass women that may be reading this right now, there is a dude out there for you.  There’s a ton of dudes with absolutely no standards that would let this chick jerk him off (although they would never claim it the next day — you gotta take what you can get).  Don’t give up!  There’s a loser out there just dreaming about you right now!

C) Or maybe, these prudes are so f**king stuck-up their own ass that they can’t be bothered to give their man a tug, let alone a ride.

Either way, there is really only one solution.  If you want to lose weight, save some cash and tone your thighs there is really only one solution: Jerk, suck and f**k more!

You have to watch the Shake Weight parody below.  It will probably be the funniest thing you see this week.

“The Shake Weight works like a real dick!”