HandzOff Anti-Masturbatory Gum Sounds Delicious

Are you struggling with the constant need to jerk off? Do you apologize to your dick regularly for the relentless beatings it receives on a nightly basis? Is your wife threatening to leave you due to the destruction of every single one her hand towels?

If any of the above is true, then boy do I have a product for you!

From the makers of the Rape Axe (not true), the latest solution for male de-hancement comes to us in chewing form. And no, I’m not referring to a 16 year old with braces.

HandzOff, which is some kind of anti-masturbating company, has come out with a chewing gum that apparently keeps you from playing with your ding-dong. This quote actually comes right from the packaging…

“We know nature’s urges can arise at the most inappropriate of times. That’s where HandzOff Anti-Masturbatory Gum comes in handy. When you’ve got the fire down low and must say no-chew HandzOff instead.”

Nature’s urges, huh?

While I have no doubt that this gum is very tasty, it’s hard for me to believe that anyone really needs this stuff? Or am I crazy? Are there really dudes out there that can’t keep their dick in their pants while they go to work or some s**t?

But I’m not here to judge my fellow man. Besides, we all know only a woman would create a product like this anyway.