My Fantasy Football Team Sucks [Week 1]

I’ve always heard that misery loves company. I can firsthand tell you it’s true — I’m in dire need of some right about now.

A little history. I’m a fantasy football virgin. I’ve been playing fantasy baseball since 1990, so I’m not a complete virgin to fantasy sports — just football.

I’ve always been more a baseball stat nerd than a football one anyway. But what happened to my team in the first week defies all logic.

I’m playing in a 14-team league on NFL.com, so it’s a given you’re going to get some duds on your squad. But I can guarantee you I watch more football than any of these guys. Some of the guys in the league let the computer pick for them the whole way through.

Not that any of that matters.

Every week I’m going to give you a quick breakdown of what could go down as the worst fantasy football team in history. So far this week, my team has by far the least amount of points and injuries have already derailed some of my better players.

It’s all downhill from here kids.

Starting Quarterback

Matt Ryan — Matt sucked huge balls today. It was quite uncharacteristic of him, but that’s what happens when you play for my team. He threw one stupid pick and had an even dumber fumble. He literally slipped and dropped the ball without getting hit. Yeah, he threw for 300+ yards, but what does that matter when you’re a turnover machine who threw for ZERO touchdowns?

Starting Running Backs

Arian Foster — I really got f**ked hard here. As many of you already know, Arian took to Twitter last week to bitch about his fantasy owners who were “concerned” about his hammy injury. But it really hits us hard. Making Foster’s status a “gametime decision” put me in the position of having to decide between dumping my #1 pick in the first week or getting royally crushed by having a back with no stats. I gambled and lost. Should have benched him. ZERO POINTS.

BenJarvus Green-Ellis — He’s playing tomorrow night, so look for him to get injured or fumble a couple times.

Starting Wide Receivers

Wes Welker – He is also playing tomorrow night. Tom Brady spreads the ball around so much I expect one of his 12 tight ends to make one reception each.

Marques Colston — Much of the game Colston looked like he was in la-la land. He never really got open and spent much of the game watching Henderson and Meachem catch the ball. He did make a couple late game grabs up the middle to slightly redeem himself, right before BREAKING HIS DAMN COLLARBONE. Yep, he’s out 4-6 weeks. In other news I just picked up Saints WR Henderson off waivers.

Starting Tight End

Antonio Gates – As my #1 receiving pick (I actually picked Gates before I picked a WR) I expect a little more out of Gates than 74 yards receiving and NO TDs. Are you sensing a theme here? At least he didn’t further aggravate his foot injury.

Starting W/R

Pierre Garcon — I really didn’t want to start this guy, but my bench is pretty lean. When I selected him I figured he would be having Peyton Manning throwing to him this season. With Kerry Collins feeding him the ball I look for Garcon to get maybe 20 catches this season. Gotta dump him fast I’m afraid.

Defense

New Orleans Saints — I believe the Saints were the 2nd ranked defense in the NFC last year and they followed up that performance by giving up 42 points to Green Bay on Thursday. Believe it or not, this was my highlight. When Darren Sproles scored on a punt return he scored my ONE AND ONLY TOUCHDOWN this week.

When you’re defense is the only player scoring a touchdown in a full week of fantasy football you know your team sucks.

Bench

When your starters are s**tting the bed, you look to your bench for relief. Unfortunately it gets no better for me.

Sam Bradford — He threw for 188 yards, ZERO TOUCHDOWNS and then got hurt. His x-rays are negative, but it still is a bad sign that Bradford may go the way of the Bulger if the St. Louis o-line doesn’t figure something out.

Cadillac Williams, Mike Williams (SEA), Steve Breaston, Jacoby Ford and Zach Miller — With the exception of Ford (who plays tomorrow), everyone else was basically worthless. Cadillac Williams rushed for 91 yards and caught a couple passes, but still scored NO TOUCHDOWNS. Mike Williams, Breaston and Miller caught a total of 79 ass-wiping yards.

I just dumped the two Seahawks (Mike Williams and Zach Miller) because they have a CFL QB throwing them the ball. I picked up Devery Henderson and Evan Moore. Hopefully that will improve things.

If you have any fantasy football horror stories please share them in the comment below. Together we can all make it through this.

See you next week!