As the entire sporting world knows, the Yankees and Derek Jeter are in contract negotiations, and things are not going according to plan.
At least they aren’t going according to a certain .270-hitting-shortstop-looking-for-an-epic-contract’s plans. The Yanks have offered Jeter a 3-year deal worth reportedly $45 million dollars. Nothing to shake a stick at, unless the stick you carry happens to be a plaster-of-platinum cast of Jesus’ pecker.
But that isn’t good enough for #2.
Jeter has asked for a longer deal worth $23-$25 million yearly, to which the Yankees replied, how about a nice big glass of “reality potion”?
This got me thinking. There has to be plenty of folks who could use a dose of reality potion…
The New York Yankees
I really hope we can find out who actually said the words “reality potion,” because it is f**king brilliant.
Of anyone who needs some potion, it’s the Bronx Bombers. You would think Kei Igawa and Carl Pavano would be a veritable keg’s worth of reality potion, but these cock-knockers have been trying to make overpayment fashionable for 40 years.
For the amount of money they’ve pissed away, they should be forced to pay Jeter $30 million/year, and then pay whatever it costs to get his clones baseball-ready, and pay THEM each $30 mil/year.
Derek Jeter
Definitely needs a drink of reality potion. You only funky as your last cut, and your last cut was kinda wack. Lowest career single season average, lowest career OBP, tied for fewest hits since ’03, all while playing more games and having more plate appearances in five years.
Gold Glove woohooo!!! Bottoms up, Jeter, it’s potion time!!
Steve Johnson
Come on, dude, God doesn’t Tweet. He has lightning f**king bolts.
Erik Spoelstra
Your name is almost the same as that s**t they used to put in potato chips that makes your ass leak. You will soon be as relevant as that s**t too.
Coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers
No, I don’t know your name. I know you fired your offensive coordinator 2 weeks before the season, and you keep claiming you have the best team in the conference without beating a team with a winning record. Open wide bud, I just ordered a round of reality potion!!
Colin Cowherd
We get it, man. You think you are the cat’s ass, the bee’s knees, and a dog’s day, times sliced bread and indoor plumbing. You know who doesn’t though? Your kids, for all the talk about your “hot friend/new wife Ann.” They’re gonna hate your guts for that s**t.
Not to mention your soon-to-be-2nd-funniest-sitcom-ever-about-sports-personalities. Since yours will be the 2nd one ever, it equals lame. Through the teeth, over the gums, looks out stomach, here it (reality potion!!) comes!!
Drink up boys, this round’s on me!!
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thought for sure i’d see my name somewhere in this article ;-)