Phelps will more than likely retire after the 2012 Olympics in London. And at 27 years old, Phelps has the chance live every spoiled Generation Y dude’s dream out there. To have money, Olympic fame, and just about anything else you want right at your fingertips is something movies are made of.

Now, usually these types of movies end with the star athlete dying at a young age of a drug overdose. And not that I am trying to predict Phelps’ future, but if 10 years from now he has his own True Hollywood Story: Life Of An Olympic Junkie, it wouldn’t surprise me.

We’ve all seen the pictures. Dude likes to party, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Anyone that says otherwise is just jealous that they can’t swim 10 miles stoned.  But when you retire before 30, it gives you a lot of free time to get bored (insert Heroin).

Hopefully I am wrong. Hopefully once the Olympics end, Phelps will find inner peace and be able to travel the world with loved ones, spreading joy to homeless orphans in Africa. I just don’t see it.

Go America!

Not only does this billboard invoke deep feelings of patriotism, it’s the damn truth.

It reminded me to take a second and appreciate the fact that I can type pretty much whatever the hell I want and not live in fear of being imprisoned. At least not in the immediate future…

I don’t think it’s any coincidence that this billboard is in Philadelphia.

I’m with them. BOO ALL THE TEAMS!

Some tragic news comes from South Africa where a rugby team, the Motherwell Rugby Football Club, was swept out to sea while swimming on the shores of Cape Town after practice.

15 players were rescued, but one could not be resuscitated. Five others are missing; although the search continues, they are preparing for the worst.

According to Mncedisi Mazomba, a player-manager for the team, they regularly practiced on the beach.

More from the AP report:

Oregan Hoskins, president of the South African Rugby Union, said: “To have their afternoon turn into a day of tragedy is shocking for the whole rugby community and our thoughts go out to their family,” Hoskins said.

Capt. Andre Beegte, a police spokesman, said helicopters were being used as the search continued Monday.

Searchers patrolled the coastline on horses and all-terrain vehicles, and police divers also were called in, Beegte said.

Our thoughts also go out to the families. Very tragic news indeed.

From their Facebook page:

Friends, Motherwell RFC is humbled by the amount of support we have received from the greater rugby community so far. We wish to thank everyone for their support and words of encouragement. We also wish to particularly thank the Nelson mandela metro Municipality, EPRU and SAPS for their support so far. However, the search for the remaining 5 bodies is still on, there has been no luck yet.

A lot of people already do, but there is still a huge amount of sports fans, including myself, who could really care less about the “sport”.

I watch more sports than any normal person should, so I know most of the popular NASCAR drivers. But there are a few things about the “sport” that leave me uninterested. But I have some ideas that would bring me on board, and it would be awesome if NASCAR listened.

 - The 500 lap thing is ridiculous. Why? I get that it’s an endurance thing, but really, it’s completely unnecessary and it’s actually the #1 reason I can’t sit in front of my TV and cheer on a driver. My advice – 10 laps – balls to the wall, Duke’s of Hazard style driving. Let’s make this the next generation of horse racing.

 - Quit driving like p*****s. Jeff Gordon said himself that after he rolled his car he felt fine due to how safe these cars are. They can wreck going 150 mph, roll 6 times, and easily get up and walk away. In my opinion, that’s reason enough to get back to bump and grind racing. I want to see guys smashing into each other on that last lap, basically trying to kill each other. I would watch that.

 - Instead of 1 race, they should have different heats. The main reason NASCAR would never want to shorten their races is because that is how they make their money. I seriously doubt these advertisers would spend the money they spend if they were only seen for 10 minutes. But if NASCAR changed it to tournament style, win your heat and advance, they could keep the excitement of the short race, all while keeping their advertisers happy. This would also put more importance on how good your crew is. If you have multiple races, and it is bang all the time racing, your crew will need to be able to fix your car, and quick.

 - Drivers need to represent certain states or regions of the country. We need a California driver – a New York driver – an Alabama driver, etc. It would give casual fans someone to root for. Teams could have home race tracks in their states and they could also try to gear more towards ads with local companies. (Damn, I might just save our economy too.)

 - Make the cars more awesome. They currently look like spiced up cop cars. Lose the square look, and let’s get some futuristic, bad-ass, Lamborghini type cars. Keep the inside’s safe and compact, but the outsides of the cars could use a little jazzing up.

I’m sure I’ve contradicted myself more than once, but if even a couple of these ideas took place, I would personally become more interested in NASCAR. What you say?

Follow me on twitter, talk some s**t. @sportsasshole

According to TMZ (*cough* the most reliable news source on the planet), Davy Jones has passed away at age 66 due to a heart attack.

So please, dust off your Monkees records and give ‘em a play.

With that in mind, you would think I love athletes… but that couldn’t be further from the truth.  In fact, most professional athletes annoy the hell out of me.  Here’s a list of the top 13 things that annoy me when it comes to athletes…

13 – Referring to anyone outside of your immediate family as “fam” or “big bro”.  Chris Paul, I’m looking at you.  Chauncy and D-Wade are your big bros… Melo and Lebron are your fam.  How offensive must that be to CJ, your actual brother?  I get it… you’re close.  But enough with the over-the-top man love.  Maybe try competing against your “fam” rather than fawning all over them like a middle school girl with Bieber Fever.

12- Those terrible interviews with the coach at halftime of a blow out. 

-Moron sideline reporter- “Coach, you’re down by 30… what adjustments do you want to make for the second half?”

-Annoyed but contractually obligated coach- “We want to stop getting our ass kicked!”

-Moron sideline reporter, with a false sense of smug satisfactory- “Great, thanks coach!”

Gimme a break.  I’d rather watch Mr. Slinky or Red Panda at halftime.

11- Most Athletes on Twitter.  Running back Chris Johnson is my go-to example…  Follow him @ChrisJohnson28 for 1 week.  I guarantee you’ll feel smarter.  #SpellCheck

10- Getting arrested.  You know who should get arrested?  Criminals.  You know who shouldn’t?  Million dollar prima donnas who bring their guns to the club or start a dog fighting ring because they’re bored in the off season.  Get it together.

9-  Fathering (and ignoring) children out of wedlock.  Antonio Cromartie has 8 kids with 6 women.  Shawn Kemp has 7 kids with 6 women.  The list goes on and on.  If you’re going to fire away without protection with some tramp who rubbed up on you at the club, at least own up to the consequences.  Man up, losers.

8- Unqualified Former athletes in announcer roles.  Just because you played the game doesn’t mean you can eloquently explain it, particularly you, Emmitt Smith.  Ray Buchanan… you’re on the list too.

7-  Holdouts.  Get to work, you over paid slouches.

6-  Talking about a quarterbacks “intangibles”.  Tim Tebow may not have the throwing motion, but he has all the intangibles.  Colt McCoy may look like a scared possum when he drops back, but he possess all the intangibles!  You know what’s better than intangibles?  Tangibles.

5-  Yelling at the referee.  Serena… get a grip.  Telling an unbiased umpire that you “will kill” them because you didn’t agree with a call is a poor decision.  Almost as poor as some of your fashion choices.

4-  Cheating on their wives.  With a Perkins waitress.  C’mon Eldrick.  PERKINS?!?  You’re better than that.  Have you seen the trim prancing around at The Tilted Kilt?  Step your game up.

3-  Touchdown dances.  They used to be cool and funny and original.  Now they are all so played out.  Except Victor Cruz’s salsa… that’s pretty slick.  Along the same lines, I also hate when football players celebrate first downs like they just won the Super Bowl.  This is the biggest reason that I detest Jeremy Shockey. 

2-  They always get the hot chick.  Seriously, Carrie Underwood?  That guys got a face like a pancake!

1-  When they get paid millions of dollars to play a child’s game, and don’t appreciate it.  You are living the lives people dream of.  Remember that next time you’re about to do one of the things listed above…

Did I miss anything?  Leave it in the comments below or follow me on Twitter @JockPostDT to discuss.

Every morning whenI wake up to go to work, I wish there were tennis rackets to smash the ever-loving f**k out of right next to my bed. My day would suck about 10% less if that were the case.

Down two sets and a break to Stanislaw Warinka, Baghdatis went on to win the 3^rd set, but lose in 4 sets. The outburst cost him 1250 bones, and I’m sure a tongue-lashing from his sponsor. It looks like it was worth every penny.

Anyone remember this game? You do, don’t you? You forgot all about that s**t! So did I!

Anyway, I wondered if anyone else played the game, so I Googled it. What I found, though is not at all what I expected.

There are “Official Rules.” There are videos. But none of them were the game I remember. So now I’m wondering if my version is either:

• Old school, or
• Midwestern

There are many variations of this game — none of which I had ever heard of.

I was the champ at my school — I never once lost. I’m a p***y now, but back then I didn’t give a s**t. Plus I could deliver a hell of a mean flick.

Your opponent would hold their fist in front of them, knuckles facing the ceiling. I would tuck my middle finger as far back into my thumb as possible, whip my wrist, and aim my middle finger blast right between their fingers.

You could hit anywhere between the main knuckle and the second knuckle, but the fatty part between the fingers seemed to hurt my opponents the most. I never made anyone’s knuckles actually bleed (swelling and bruising? Well, yeah), I won with perfect flicking aim — and I would hit the exact same spot over and over. The most shots anyone took was 13.

You took turns, one flick apiece. The game ended only when someone gave up. There was no score and there were no round limits. Pain threshold and delivery were the only things that mattered.

Every once in a while someone who was way stronger and meaner than me would challenge me. But it didn’t matter. They would hit me in different places all over my knuckles and that strategy just doesn’t work. The worst part is that I was always afraid that they would kick my ass for beating them. It never happened, but it was a very real possibility.

But that’s not the Bloody Knuckles game everyone on the internet is talking about. I mostly found two different versions.

One involved holding your fists together while each person takes turns hitting your knuckles with their knuckles. You get five tries and then it’s the other person’s turn. You do this for three rounds and keep score. Whoever has the most points wins.

That sounds lame if you ask me. I want something where you can only lose by giving up because you are in excruciating pain. I want pain to determine the winner.

Plus there are other annoying “strategies” like you can wait there as long as you want, fake to try to make your opponent flinch and intimidate by making loud noises. It sounds like just a simple variation of Red Hands. I never liked that game. Here is a video of some kids playing it on school bus. OK, so it does look a little painful.

The other game involved flicking a quarter at someone else’s knuckles. Apparently you spin the quarter and take turns keeping it spinning. The first person to mess up has to put their fist on the table. The other person flicks/slings the quarter at the loser’s knuckles. Here is a video of some kids playing it at Carl’s Jr.

You keep doing this until someone gives up. I like that part. Usually there’s some blood. That’s cool.

The part I don’t like is that if you are good at spinning a quarter, you never get hit. Lame.

So now I want to know, what kind of Bloody Knuckles did you play? Tell us a damn story in the comments.

Also make sure you say what year you graduate(d) high school and what part of the world you’re from so we know where these variations came from.

Imagine this, you’re piss drunk on an airplane, and you’ve got to drain it like no one’s business. You head back to the men’s room, but halfway there you decide to whip it out and piss on an 11-year-old girl.

Maybe “decide” isn’t the right word.

Mid-piss, her cancer-stricken dad decides to take a swing at you, you know, cause you’re pissing a full-on man stream on his young daughter.

That has happened to you, right?

Vietze has been kicked off the US National team. He admitted to drinking 8 drinks before boarding the flight. I didn’t read anywhere that he was being charged for underage drinking.

The worst part about it is not that he pissed on an 11-year-old girl’s leg (everyone has a horrible drunk story to tell) — it’s that the dickhead refused to apologize afterward. He just said “I was drunk, and I did not realize I was pissing on her leg.”

Well s**t, that makes it all better now doesn’t it?

US Ski and Snowboard Association Executive Vice President of Athletics Luke Bodensteiner released a statement, saying Vietze, 18, had been dismissed from the team for conduct violations.

“Based on the information we have, Sandy Vietze is in violation of the USSA code of conduct and team agreement, and has been dismissed from the team,” Bodensteiner said.

That’s what you call pissing away your future.

Especially since I can honestly say I had a “little person” acquaintance in college. And when I say acquaintance, I mean some dude that lived beside me who got some hammered one night off Jack that he almost killed himself. We laughed about it for weeks.

But that was a long time ago, and I have totally grown up since then. And now that I am able to watch these little s**ts fake beat the piss out of each other, I will not longer need to get them smashed for my own personal enjoyment.

Hulk Hogan and truTV have teamed up to give us such entertainment and it will begin September 14th, so get your popcorn ready. Or your cocktail wieners and sliders, whichever you prefer.

-Think getting old sucks?  Michael Jordan doesn’t.  At a youth basketball camp last week, His Airness threw down a dunk effortlessly in front of some of the campers.  I’m not saying he could still play in the league, but I am saying I’d take him over anyone on the Minnesota Timberwolves not named Kevin Love.

-Tiger Woods fired former caddie Steve Williams last week, and now Williams is discussing a potential book deal that could further damage Tiger’s reputation.  What a spineless move.  Hell hath no fury like a caddie scorn.  News flash for Mr. Williams… you sort of missed the boat on “exposing Tiger”.  Now go back to getting paid millions of dollars for carrying a bag.  And go get your shine box.

-I was on the fence on how I felt about considering bike riding a legitimate sport.  That is, until I saw this picture.  I didn’t realize that the Tour de France had turned into Roller Derby.

-Speaking of riding a bike, Benny Phillips of Australia won the Teva Best Trick Challenge proving once and for all that Teva sandals are not just for granola munching lesbians, but also for brain dead dare devils that enjoy concussions and broken collar bones.

-The San Francisco Giants will visit the White House on Monday as a reward for winning the World Series.  The big question on everyone’s lips is which will be a bigger disaster; Brian Wilson’s outfit or the handling of the debt ceiling fiasco.

-The NFL owners have voted to end the lock out and have presented the agreement to the players.  The vote passed by a 31-0-1 margin.  The only owner the to abstain from voting was Al Davis.  Because he has been dead since 1998.

-The WNBA all star game happened over the weekend and Zzzz…………………..

-Amir Khan knocked out Zab Judah in the 5th round of the junior welterweight unification bout.  Judah claimed to be hit below the belt, but the replay clearly showed the shot was right at the belt line, and completely legal.  Abby Wambach thinks that flop was terrible.

-Professional athlete groupie Kim Kardashian is suing Old Navy for using an actress who too closely resembles her in their latest series of commercials.  Kardashian is claiming the company deliberately infringed upon her public persona by deceiving people into thinking it was her in the advertisement.  In a related story, Kim’s sister Khloe is suing Jacks Link’s Beef Jerky for similar reasons. 

This weeks Tweet Of the Week comes from @ChrisFedor – “Noooooooooooo!  No Hard Knocks?  That’s the worst result from the lockout yet!”

Want to be like Grammy winning artist @iamKrayzieBone?  Follow me on Twitter @JockPostDT to discuss Tha Crossroads or anything else on your mind.

-Japan beat the United States in the finals of the women’s World Cup in exciting fashion.  Hats off to the Japanese for coming from behind, forcing penalty kicks, and capitalizing on the American’s inability to close the game.  While the loss to Japan stings as an American, I am really not that upset.  Because it was women’s soccer.  And not World War 2.

-Desmond Howard was inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame over the weekend.  Whether you are a fan of the School Up North, or you bleed Scarlet and Grey… this play is one that will be remembered for the ages.  Hello Heisman!  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OV-tVEbwreY)

-Want your son to win a major championship on the PGA Tour?  Move to Northern Ireland.  Joining champion countrymen Rory Mac and Graeme McDowell, Darren Clarke won the British Open by three shots on Sunday.  For those keeping score, golfers from Northern Ireland have won 3 of the past 6 major championships. 

-Five members of the North Korean soccer team tested positive for steroids at the Women’s World Cup.  North Korean officials claimed the substance that was found was actually from a medicine derived from deer glands, and the players needed it because they were struck by lightning.  I’m not making this up.  Lightning.  It’s like North Korea has Mike “The Situation”, Paula from the Real World/Road Rules Challenge, and the entire cast of MTV’s Teen Mom in a brain trust advising Kim Jong-il.

-Seattle Seahawks wide receiver Golden Tate made news this week by claiming on Twitter that NASCAR drivers aren’t real athletes.  This sparked many debates, including who is more irrelevant; NASCAR or Golden Tate.

-ESPN, a known sports television station, has been showing wall to wall coverage of the World Series of Poker.  Hey Golden Tate… maybe you should focus some of that energy this way.  I don’t care the Doyle Brunson flopped the nut straight against Phil Ivy’s dead man’s hand limping in off the the big blind.  In fact, I hate the fact that I know enough about poker to type that.  Get this off the air.

-Cincinnati Bengals running back Cedric Benson was arrested over the weekend on charges of assault after getting into a physical altercation with a former roommate.  Or as the Cincinnati Bengals call it, Saturday night.

-Talented and well respected writer Bruce Feldman was banished from writing for ESPN after taking part in former Texas Tech Head Coach Mike Leach’s book.  Ironically, Feldman was give permission by The Mothership to help out, but the head brass was rumored to be pressured by Craig James, whose son played for Leach and the Red Raiders to punish Feldman.  So much for the freedom of speech.

-Tweet of the week from @twolinepass – “Hope SoLuongo”.  If you follow both hockey and soccer, thats hysterically funny.  So for the 6 of you in America that do, enjoy.

Follow me on Twitter @JockPostDT to discuss Alex Morgan’s pink sports bra or any other interesting sports topics.

-It is becoming apparent that July 21 is the magic day that the NFL lockout will finally come to an end.  On July 19th, the NFL and the NFLPA will meet with Judge Boylan to cross the t’s and dot the i’s on the final settlement.  You know what that means…  the second annual JOCKpost fantasy football rankings are right around the corner!

-The country of Brazil is known for Carnival, super hot chicks, and soccer.  On Sunday, the United States proved they can hold their own in two of those three things.  Hope Solo and the US Women’s Soccer team ousted Brazil with penalty kicks to advance past the favorite Brazil.  And the ladies looked good doing it.  USA!  USA!

-Derek Jeter joined an elite group of major league superstars by reaching his 3000th hit after belting a home run into the stands at Yankee Stadium.  The fan that caught the dinger gladly gave the ball back to Jeter without asking for anything in return.  In a move that mirrored the fans classiness, Jeter decided to not play in this years All Star game allowing the best short stop in the American league to start in Asdrubal Cabrera.

-Pittsburgh Steelers football player continue to show that they are reprehensible douche trains as Hines Ward was busted for driving under the influence.  It’s good to see that someone wiped that stupid ass smile from his ugly mug. 

-Bobby Abreu drew a three ball walk, proving that not even the umpires or players pay attention to July baseball.  This is the second time in 9 days that the Mariners have allowed that to happen.

-In the MLB Futures Game, the United States beat the World 6-4.  Let that sink in… the United States beat the World.  Suck on that, al-Qaeda!

-The Roger Clemens’ perjury trial is set to begin Wednesday.  Clemens faces six charges which could result in 15-21 months.  To put that in perspective, Clemens could spend the next year and a half in jail for lying but Casey Anthony walks free after murdering her daughter.  Logical.

-As reported here on JOCKpost.com, Pacman Jones was arrested in a neck brace  at a Cincinnati bar.  As if that isn’t awesome enough, Jones is now contending that he is an innocent man! Riiiiiiiiiiiiight…

-Philadelphia Eagles wideout DeSean Jackson must not watch the NBA.  After Joakim Noah was fined a hefty sum for calling a fan a gay slur, Jackson followed in those homophobic footsteps and lashed out at a caller on a sports talk radio showcalling him a “g*y ass f*ggot”. When will these overpaid, undereducated morons learn their lesson?  The answer is obviously never. 

-NASCAR opened its first new event in 10 years, but had it overshadowed by a traffic jamoutside the track. I’d call that irony, but the folks in Kentucky that hosted the event wouldn’t understand what that meant.

-World renown ass clown Lebron James continues to get his name in the news.  James has reportedly struck a sponsorship deal with 3 collegiate basketball teams, including The Ohio State University and will be providing them with uniforms.  If the Tressel incident wasn’t enough to send Gordon Gee packing, this certainly is.  Get him out.  Now.

Tweet of the week:  @Buster_ESPN: “There is no such thing as a ‘snubbed’ player.  If you weren’t invited, you probably didn’t deserve to go”.  Tommy Hanson probably disagrees.

Follow me on Twitter @JOCKpostDT to discuss the All Star Game, or anything else in the world of sports.

-Joey Chestnutt grossed us all out by choking down 62 hotdogs at the Nathan’s International Hot Dog Eating Contest.  Throating that many footlongs in just 10 minutes is enough to make Bree Olson blush. 

-The Tour De France has begun, and American rider Tyler Farrar showed his patriotic pride by dominating the third leg of the race.  Farrar has been a welcomed positive headline for American cyclists in the midst of the performance enhancing drug fiasco that has surrounded Matthew McConaughey’s best friend. 

-Wimbledon crowned its champion at breakfast over the weekend as Novak Djokovic defeated Rafael Nadal.  Djokovic is unbeaten and in his last 43 matches, and is one of the most feared tennis players on the planet… even if he does have the most sissy dog alive. 

-NASCAR driver David Ragen won at Daytona for the first time in his young career.  When asked about his strategy, I imagine he answered “I planned to turn left.”  Seriously… why is this on television?  I’d rather watch the monumentally unlikeable Ashley pine over douche-tastic Bentley on The Bachelorette.  NASCAR is everything that is wrong with the South.  Ashley is everything that is wrong with women.  Bentley is everything that is wrong with our generation.

-The Pittsburgh Pirates are 3 games over .500 for the first time since Reagan has been in office, yet the attendance at PNC Park has been consistenly poor.  Presumably because nobody in Pittsburgh can figure what “3 games over .500 means”.  Because they’re stupid in Pittsburgh.  Go Browns.

-Auburn’s famous oak trees at Toomer’s Corner are hanging on for dear life after being maliciously poisoned by some drunken geriatric whack job.  Should the trees survive, prepare for an entire season of Mark May babbling about how the forestry in the SEC is head and shoulders above every other conference.

-Boxing Heavyweight Champion Wladimir Klitschko pounded on David Hayes for 12 rounds en route to a unanimous decision.  Klitschko was clearly the superior fighter, and should be disappointed that he couldn’t finish this fight with a knock out.

-America’s Volleyball Sweethearts Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh lost in the FIVB World Championships to Brazil’s Juliana Felisberta Silva and Larissa Franca.  I think.  I was too shocked by the lack of material on their “uniforms” to really pay attention to the score. Brazzer’s called.  They want their wardrobes back.  (That’s two porn references for those of you keeping score at home.  Stay classy!)

-Tweet of the week comes from @CavsWITNESS regarding the NBA Lock Out: “We interupt this program for a pissing match for your dollars.  Stay tuned.  Now shop NBA.com for team merchandise.”

Follow me on Twitter @JockpostDT to discuss the NBA greed fest or anything else that comes to mind!

Just how narrow, you say? By a total of nine seconds.

That’s about the average length of a yawn.

They give out $25,000 prize to any man who can run a marathon faster than 2 hours, 10 minutes. For the women it’s 2 hours, 30 minutes.

One runner, Nicholas Manza Kamakya from Kenya, ran it in a total of 2 hours, 10 minutes and ONE SECOND.

One. Freaking. Second.

He handled it well, telling the AP ”I’m just happy. For me it’s so nice [to win],” said Manza.

“It’s very special for me because it’s my first time in Australia and I’m happy because I’ve run the course record.”

Nice, but come on. 25 grand has got to go a long way in Kenya.

The other runner, Goitetom Haftu Tesema from Ethiopia missed the prize by eight seconds.

With the average yearly salary in Ethopia hanging in there at a robust, $300-500 annually, no doubt she is sick to her stomach.

I know I would be.

What did we learn this week?

-The United States took a two-nil lead in the Gold Cup Final against Mexico, which should be enough of a lead to win a soccer game that lasts 4 days, but unfortunately it was not.  The home field advantage for Mexico proved to be influential in a come-back for the ages as the Americans fell 4-2.  I am aware the game was played in Los Angeles.

-The SEC will be represented well in this year’s college World Series, as Florida will take on South Carolina.  Nothing says bragging rights in the SEC quite like baseball…

-The Cleveland Indians were swept by the San Francisco Giants to fall into second place in the American League Central and Grady Sizemore stinks.  On Sunday Night Baseball on a nationally televised game, Sizemore dropped a routine fly ball and then laughed about it.  Hey Grady, Derek Anderson called.  Being terrible isn’t funny.

-Yani Tseng won her 4^th major over the weekend by ten strokes.  The 22 year old is annihilating the competition on the women’s professional gold circuit.  In other news that nobody cares about, I am wearing brown shoes today.

-For the first time in over 100 years, historic Argentinean football club River Plate has been relegated to the second division sparking a monumental riot by the club’s ravenous fans.  The rioters ripped through the city setting fire to stores, attacking police, and even charging the field and confronting underperforming players.  Not a single sissy was spotted making out with his girlfriend amidst the chaos.  Take notes, Vancouver. 

-Terrell Owens underwent surgery to repair a torn ACL that he reportedly suffered while filming a reality dating show.  And you thought Pumpkin and New York were crazy… 

-Kurt Busch won the NASCAR race at Sonoma over the weekend.  Drunken hypertensive rednecks across the South celebrated by deep frying their dentures.

-Things weren’t looking good for UFC Heavyweight Cheick Kongo early on against Pat Berry.  Kongo appeared out on his feet until he connected with a short right uppercut that sent Berry’s mouthpiece to the mat and turned the lights out for one of the best comebacks of the year. 

-The Los Angeles Dodgers filed for bankruptcy over the weekend.  Rumor has it that Mark Cuban could be interested in taking an ownership role.   Nothing could be better for LA or for Major League Baseball as a whole.  I’m all in on Cubes.

-Serena Williams should have to play in the men’s division at Wimbledon.

-Tristan Thompson, the Cleveland Cavalier’s #4 draft pick, was quoted as saying Lebron James “is like a big brother to me”.  Oh Jesus Christ…

-Follow me on Twitter @JockpostDT  to discuss any and all happenings in the world of sports.

Andy Reid

Any list with bad fathers has to include Reid. A perfect example of sacrificing your family for work, BOTH of Reid’s sons were sentenced to 23 months in jail for separate drug related incidents on the same January day in 2007. 22-year-old Britt pulled a gun on a motorist following an altercation, and pled guilty to a string of felony gun and drug charges. 24-year-old Garret was a drug dealer who smashed into another car while high on heroin, and then smuggled 90 pills into jail in his ass.  Some people are really good at diagramming football plays, and some people are really good at raising children. Some are even really good at both. Andy Reid isn’t one of those people.

Jim Pierce

Father of professional tennis player Mary Pierce, he was such an asshole that his daughter filed a restraining order against him.  Oh, and when Mary was 12, he screamed at her from the stands, about her opponent, “MARY, KILL THE BITCH!!”

Marc O’Hair

Pro golfer Sean’s dad was a tyrannical prick about his son’s golf future, and in particular, his place in it. After forcing Sean to drop out of high school to turn pro after his junior year, he then forced him to sign contracts guaranteeing him 10% of any future golf earnings.  Sean was forced to run a mile for every bogey he shot and for every stroke over par.  Marc’s behavior led to an estrangement that continues to this day, surprise surprise.

Marv Marinovich

LEGENDARY in the realm bad fatherhood, Marv was dead-set on engineering himself a quarterback. “Roboquarterback” Todd was forbidden from any processed sugars – he brought his own cake and ice cream to birthday parties. Marv started stretching his son’s hamstrings in his CRIB.  Todd was drafted ahead of Brett Favre’s penis in the 1991 draft, and was out of the NFL the next year. This was due to a drug career that rivaled his football career, and ultimately surpassed it.

Antonio Cromartie

Cromartie has sown his seed far and wide, as he has 9 children with 8 women in 6 states. Hahahaha.  Now, having tons of kids doesn’t mean you’re a bad father. Not helping to support them does, though. The Jets had to advance Antonio $500k to make back child support payments. Also, struggling to remember their names makes you look like a dick too.

Evander Holyfield

The Real Deal is a renowned p***y-hound, as he has at least 11 children.  And it’s rather appalling that a guy who made about $250 million in his career to try to have his child support reduced. Uhh, dude, if you don’t want to pay $40k/year for a kid, stop knocking girls up.

Shawn Kemp

The Rain Man got around. Like any good NBA player, he has enough kids to start his own AAU team. 7, at least, with rumors of more. Kemp has been a bad seed (no pun intended) for most of his life. He left the Kentucky program after he was caught trying to pawn jewelry stolen from coach Eddie Sutton’s son.  He’s been arrested twice since 05 for gun and drug charges. He was also involved with convicted murderer Bobby Cutts’ baby’s mama at one point,  banging her out while Cutts broke down the door to get in.   

Calvin Murphy

Calvin would make Cromartie, Kemp, and Holyfield blush. He has 14 children with 9 different women. And while he was acquitted of the charge, he was tried for sexually abusing 5 of them. CUUHHHREEEEP!

William Ligue, Jr

“Who the hell is William Ligue Jr.?” you ask? Well, due to the military-like rules that MLB has about its video, we can’t show it to you here. But this is the shirtless hillbilly that, along with his white-trash son, attacked Royals first base coach Tom Gamboa in 2002. Nothing like bondin’ with tha boy at a ball game!

Travis Henry

9 kids. 9 mothers. Since he was in high school. Give Henry one thing, he’s got stick-to-it-iveness. He owes $170k yearly in child support. Which will be tough to pay while he’s spending 3 years in federal pound-you-in-the-ass prison for cocaine trafficking.

Both occurred last week, when a 13-year-old boy, Hayden Walton, squared to bunt. The ball hit him in the chest. According to bystanders, he took two steps toward first base and collapsed.

He died the next morning.

I know we always complain about the wussification of America’s youth. I often make fun of the baseball helmets with facemasks, because they’re not like the old days.

As a parent, I can’t help but wonder if this could have been avoided. My son plays baseball. What if he took a pitch to the chest? Would he die? Should he be wearing a chest protector?

The knee-jerk answer is no. Chest protectors are for p*****s, right? But what if this was your son? Would you still feel the same way?

I’m buying one of these right away.

In one day, (yeah, it was a double-header) the high school star was able to throw a no-hitter in game one, then turn around and hit 4 home runs in the second game. And not only that, his team needed to win both games in order to win the league championship, which they did. F**king remarkable!

But unfortunately, it isn’t all kittens and rainbows for the high school star.

Just two days before this incredible double-header, Goldenstein’s mother passed away from a stroke at the age of 35. Apparently, drugs were the reason, which is why he hadn’t lived with her for 8 years. But needless to say, the kid had to have some f**ked up emotions.

It’s so unfortunate that it might have taken a tragedy, but this has to be the greatest doubleheader in the history of baseball, all levels. And If I wasn’t so lazy, I would attempt to look up stats on the subject, but there is some soft-core porn on skinemax that requires my attention.

It’s the national pothead holiday.

The thing is, everyone knows it. Even your grandma knows what 420 is.

So does your boss.

If too many of you aren’t careful, you may end up with a sign like this above your company water cooler.