But if it does, I have a feeling that Oregon RB LaMichael James is in the same boat.

As you can tell, James is not having a good time. It makes you wonder if this it what he looks like when he is about to take a hit. Or take a s**t. Either way, it’s pretty damn funny.

But if Space Mountain is giving James a hard time, I would hate to see what he would look like on The Devastator…it’s soul shattering.

-Memo to Terrell Suggs; If you call yourself “Sizzle”, and claim in the Sunday Night Football intro that you are a graduate of “Ball-So-Hard University”, you probably shouldn’t let Phillip Rivers hang 34 on you in front of a national audience.  You also are a monumental douche-wagon.  Baltimore got punched in the mouth by San Diego 34-14, as the Chargers kept their playoff hopes alive with the win.

-Vince Lombardi Romeo Crennell coached his Kansas City Chiefs to a victory over the previously unbeaten Packers.  The Pack looked slow, lethargic, and extremely uninterested in the game from the start.  While I don’t see this being a trend, it was a pretty big let down for Cheese-Head-Nation, while the ’72 Dolphins toasted their customary bottle of haterade.

-Don’t look now… but the Colts aren’t a lock for the #1 overall pick after their 27-13 win against Tennessee.  Jesus, Jim Caldwell can’t do anything right.

-Grace may say ‘Tim Tebow’ before dinner, but Tom Brady doesn’t care.  The Patriots were sharp in the second half Sunday in Denver, downing the Broncos 41-23.  Brady ended the day with 320 yards and a pair of scores through the air, and also punched one in on the ground.  In the end, the lead was too much, even for Tebow.

-Caleb Hanie should give back his pay check, because he is stealing money from the Chicago Bears.  The Bears tail-spin continued Sunday at home as the Seahawks railroaded Chicago 38-14, outscoring them 31-0 in the second half.  Yikes… Time to wave goodbye, Bears.

-Drew Brees single handedly punched my ticket to the Fantasy Football Finals with his preposterous 412 yard, 5 touchdown performance in just 3 quarters.  Arguably more important to Brees, his play helped the Saints improve to 11-3 with a swagger that has to make the Packers sweat a little bit.  The Saints are going off a 5-1 to win the Super Bowl on Sportsbook.com.  Hmmm….

-The Giants stink, and Brandon Jacobs is a colossal waste of talent.

-TJ Yates remembered that he was TJ Yates, tossing a pair of interceptions as the Texans lost to Carolina 28-13.  Carolina pulled out all the stops in the win, including one of the more exciting plays of the year.

-The Jets stink.  Mark Sanchez stinks.  I’ve been telling you that for 2 years.

-Megatron is back.  Lions QB Matthew Stafford found his favorite target 9 times for a career high 214 yards and a pair or scores as the Lions blocked a potential game winning field goal as time expired gifting the Lions a 28-27 victory.  Those crazy Lions…

If any of the above is true, then boy do I have a product for you!

From the makers of the Rape Axe (not true), the latest solution for male de-hancement comes to us in chewing form. And no, I’m not referring to a 16 year old with braces.

HandzOff, which is some kind of anti-masturbating company, has come out with a chewing gum that apparently keeps you from playing with your ding-dong. This quote actually comes right from the packaging…

“We know nature’s urges can arise at the most inappropriate of times. That’s where HandzOff Anti-Masturbatory Gum comes in handy. When you’ve got the fire down low and must say no-chew HandzOff instead.”

Nature’s urges, huh?

While I have no doubt that this gum is very tasty, it’s hard for me to believe that anyone really needs this stuff? Or am I crazy? Are there really dudes out there that can’t keep their dick in their pants while they go to work or some s**t?

But I’m not here to judge my fellow man. Besides, we all know only a woman would create a product like this anyway.

We lost about two weeks worth of posts and comments. Data corruption was everywhere, including in our backups.

Live and learn. We know what happened, and how to avoid it.

Thanks to Google cache, we will be able to rebuild the last two weeks of posts. So if you notice the same stories are getting republished on our RSS feed or somewhere else, we apologize for the annoyance.

Just be happy you don’t have to sit here with us and rebuild two weeks worth of work in one night.

While trolling the interwebs its impossible not to stumble over hundreds of pictures that make us laugh, cry, s**t our pants, etc.

Every Sunday we’re gonna share with you some of the best pictures found online this week.

Hopefully you s**t your pants too.

Donkey Punch, The Animated GIF

courtesy Wikipedia

If I had to have a prosthetic leg, it would look like this.

My kind of girl.

Busted.

Garbage disposal 1, Man 0.

F**k cancer.

A pet squirrel? A pet squirrel.

Nice, right?

Wendy all grown up.

Nike. Just do it.

Even the Nittany Lion has had his fill.

What wrong with this picture?

A little more intense than the fat Nets kid.

Tsunami. Japan. Damn.

F**k yeah Angry Birds.

What can you build out of beer cases?

Sorry Kristen, but you kind of suck.

I promise this will be the final Rebecca Black reference.

The Finals, however, were a bit different as it had to be a co-ed team. I decided to volunteer my better half to join me in the finals (who had zero quarter’s experience), and away we went.

Fortunately for us, and unfortunately for every other team involved, she was a natural, as the JOCKpost team went on to make everyone else look foolish, crushing everyone that came into our path. We won a free trip to Vegas to compete in the Bud Light Shoot For the Championship Finals which will be held during the Final Four.

We appreciate everyone that came out to support us in the Columbus finals, and we hope we can continue this winning streak all the way to the $25,000 grand prize.

Also thank you to The Torg of 97.1 The Fan for just being a cool motherf**ker.

Nathan Vincent is a very unique artist. He specializes in crochet.

You know, like, your great-grandma.

But he goes way beyond your typical afghan blanket. He makes objects that are ironic. Like a whole collection of guns. Crochet guns.

He’s done a lion head.  A lawn mower.  Boxing gloves.  But one of my personal favorites is the smoking cigar and ashtray. Truly classic.

As you’ve probably noticed, we have sort of a fascination with locker rooms. It’s the only place left on Earth where a man can be himself, around his friends. 

And yes, Nathan Vincent made a locker room out of crochet.  Lockers, urinals, everything.  It is absolutely amazing.  It’s the manliest place in the world, crochet style.

The Shoot for the Championship is a 35 second free-for-all version of the game quarters. And luckily for the JOCKpost team, we have plenty of experience with drinking games.

We started off strong, knocking out two straight two-guy teams. The Final Four match-up, however, was our closest match of the tournament, as we faced an all-lady team that was not there to f**k around. But in the end, a final score of 72-69 sent us to the finals where it would be a best of 3 series.

It seemed as though the drunker we got, the better we got as the JOCKpost team would go on to dominate the finals, winning the series 2-0. The score of the final game was 82-50. We would go on to celebrate the night with many, many shots of Patron, Jager and other drinks that made the perfect recipe for the morning backwards diarrhea.

The 16 team bracket was the first leg of the National Tournament, with the 2nd round being held in two weeks in downtown Columbus, and the final round being held during the Final Four in Las Vegas for a chance to win $25 Large – which JOCKpost will happily donate to our own individual bank accounts.

So if you’re in the area, come out and support us March 11th at Park Street Patio in downtown Columbus, OH.

It’s the least you can do for all the jerk-off material we provide you guys.

A twenty-year-old British woman flew to Philadelphia to have a butt enhancement done in a hotel.  Supposedly the cost of something like that is around $1,800.

Three other women had the procedure done at the same time.  One of the women had it done in November, so she brought her friends along this time.  I bet she feels like a real bitch right about now.

They literally inject silicone into these women’s ass cheeks. Granted, British women aren’t known for their badonkadonk, so I can understand the urge to get your Kardashian on.

But to pay someone almost two grand to shoot silicon into your ass cheeks? Please. 

The silicone made it into the woman’s bloodstream and about eight hours later her heart stopped.  It’s not like she didn’t have any warnings.  Two women almost died in 2009 from a similar mishap.

Wouldn’t it just be easier to adopt an American diet?

My question is-is Dr. Phil so famous that homeless dudes know who he is? I’ve stumbled over a bum or two in my day, and my experience is that they would tell Dr. Phil to eat a big bag of s**t if he told them to “help themselves” in that country-ass accent. For a guy who claimed he had 2 years sober, he sure was quick to the bottle, no?

Williams’s decision to enter rehab comes after police were called to his Hollywood hotel room Monday night, to break up a physical altercation with his daughter, in which Williams himself admits that fist were flying. Also, he was issued a subpoena to testify at the drug abuse trial of some gutter snipe a woman accused of drug abuse whose car he was in. Be still my heart, I’m not sure I can handle this much shock at once.

I’m not trying to kick a dude while he’s down-far from it. I hope Teddy Airwaves gets the cure and goes on to replace that creepy sounding white dude who does the Cadbury Eggads. But did any of these folks throwing money at him think to make him piss in a cup first? Like Terry Hanning says in The Wire, “You f**kin’ think I’d sleep under a bridge sober?!” It’s a great point, and hopefully one not ignored in Teddy Airwaves march out of the gutter.

Back? Ok, so some ridiculous woman in Japan is suing Google because they apparently showed pictures of her undies hanging to dry outside of her home on Google Street View. She is suing for around $7 G’s, as this somehow forced her to lose her job. Plus the cost for moving, obviously…

Here is what she had to say about that horrible, sexual predator Google Street View.

Feller was signed by the Indians in 1936, and played 5 years before spending 3 years in the Navy. The Sporting News called him the greatest pitcher of his time, and speculated that he would have won 300+ games were it not for his three years of military service. In Feller’s first year back from WW II, he struck out 348 while going 26-15. In 1946, he threw the 2^nd fastest pitch ever recorded in the majors, at 107.6 mph. He also threw 3 no-hitters in his career, and is the only person to throw a no-no on Opening Day.

While Feller is a player from a different era, he recently garnered some attention regarding another famous Cleveland athlete.  In 2007, in the midst of an Indians playoff run, LeBron James had the audacity to show up at an Indians-Yankees game wearing a Yanks cap. Feller not amused, and remarked, “I’m going to a Cavaliers game and sit right by their bench, wearing a Detroit Pistons cap. Let’s see how LeBron likes that.”

Well said, Bullet, rep your hood. This has been a sad year for Indians baseball-first the loss of manager Lou Brown, and now, barring a miraculous recovery, Bob Feller. Not to mention the disaster on the field.

Thanks again for everything Mr. Feller.

But it got me to thinking…why don’t athletes get into the sex toy industry? I know it is probably mostly a PR thing, but could you imagine the kind of money these guys could make? There are so many sluts out there that just want a chance to f**k a professional athlete. There would be nothing better then for some chick (or dude I guess) that couldn’t meet Shaq in real life having a life-like molding of his 20 inch dong.

Just think about the possibilities ladies!

Don’t want to feel like your f**king your grandpa, but you sure want that extra arm of Greg Oden inside of you? Get a Greg Oden Dildo! (He might need a new gig soon).

Can’t f**k the real Magic Johnson because of the whole VD thing…you could always buy ”The Magic Johnson” vibrator. The name sells itself!

So many athletes are willing to show their dong for free on the internet, why not make a couple bucks and feel like a huge pimp all at the same time? What better bragging rights in a locker room would there be then selling the most name brand dildos of anyone on your team?!

In February, NAPA launched a different ad campaign, created by a company called Kaplan Thaler Group.  Gone were the creepy commercials featuring Michael Waltrip, and with the new campaign we now have the most infectuous song on Earth being blasted on our TV’severy 5 minutes during the World Series.  Credit that bit of genius to country songwriter Wendell Mobley.

But the music isn’t the best part.  The faces the actors make in the commercials while lip-syncing is priceless.  Their intensity is second to none.  You almost want to throat-punch them and then you kinda like them.  It’s so confusing.  And each one has it’s own weird quirk about it that makes you laugh and puke at the same time.  I think I farted once, too.

And now the internet is taking hold of these commercials and they are trying fervishly to become a meme (what isn’t these days?).  Grab a seat, you’re gonna be here a minute.

Martin Truex #1

NAPA sponsors Truex so it’s no surprise he’s in a commercial.  At first they used the same or similar lyrics for a few different commercials.  It wasn’t until more recently that the lyrics started changing more frequently.

Ron Capps

Here’s the Ron Capps version.  He looks a bit more serious and less cocky than Martin.

NAPA Know How, The Montage

It wasn’t long before the similarities caused someone to waste enough time to make a video montage of the commercials.  I prefer to call it a remix.

The NAPA Know How Girl

The NAPA Know How Girl has probably the best chance of becoming an internet meme.  Sass is her middle name.  She’s got a flavor all her own.

The Matt Allmen Version

This one is my personal favorite for two reasons: 1) he gets absolutely DESTROYED by a defensive lineman not once, but twice in the commercial.  I’m talking completely blindsided. 2) His lip-syncing is so horrible I can’t stop laughing. 

You may be wondering, “Who the f**k is Matt Allmen?” Don’t worry, so was I.  Google tells me he’s kind of an actor, but it also gives us something better: a before and after photo.  Those are just the best.  See below.

You go Matt!  Here’s what he has to say about his physical improvements:

For nearly 10 years I was unable to get a grip on constant weight gain. I would lose, then gain more weight right back. It was devastating to me mentally and physically. I got to the point where I didn’t even like myself much anymore. I was introduced to NuriiVeda through a friend and it changed everything! 12 weeks later I was in amazing shape AND most importantly I liked myself again! Heck, “like myself again” is an understatement….I’M AWESOME!

Damn straight you’re awesome, Matt.  They need to bring you back in for some more NKH commercials.  I’m ready to anoint you the official NKH guy.

The Latest and Greatest?

I think this one just started around the MLB playoffs.  It’s the one on 25 times a game right now.  I’ve had that damn “Take six of these and wash it down with this” lyric stuck in my head ALL FUCKING DAY.

The Singing Stepdad

Yes, someone actually posted this.  Believe it or not, there was a sequel too.  I’m not making this s**t up.

Martin Truex #2

If you made it this far you are either really stoned, or your job really f**king sucks.  Since you are clearly a glutton for punishment, I will finish you off with a second rendition of the Martin Truex version.

If there’s a leaderboard for most ironic deaths of 2010, this one just jumped above them all.

The story starts with the wealthy owner of Segway, Jimi Heselden and an accident involving his Segway, him and a cliff.  It ends in the man’s unfortunate death.

The LA Times is reporting that he was found dead at the bottom of a 30-foot cliff on his own property, most likely falling from the Segway he was operating.

For those of you who don’t know what a Segway is, it’s those two-wheeler motor-powered personal go-karts you stand on.  They max out at about 12 miles per hour.  Go to Chicago and see if you don’t get run over by one.  I dare you.

The irony is too much to believe.  You just can’t make this s**t up.  This can’t be good PR.  Segway’s marketing team will now officially begin earning their paychecks.

Segway posted this on their website:

It is with great sadness that we have to confirm that Jimi Heselden OBE, has died in a tragic accident near his home in West Yorkshire. Jimi Heselden, 62, was Chairman of Hesco Bastion Ltd, the world leading manufacturer of protective barriers and owner of Segway Inc. Jimi is perhaps best known for his charity work with Help for Heroes and the Leeds Community Foundation. A £10m gift to the Foundation earlier this month saw his lifetime charitable donations top £23m. Our thoughts go out to his family and many friends, who have asked for privacy at this time.

Does he really think that Jordan and Jerry Reinsdorf even tolerated one another, let alone cared about each other? I mean, what the f**k?! I know he’s never had a job in his life, but he couldn’t have thought the real world was like “The Office”, could he? Dan Gilbert as Michael Scott?

He also goes on to say that he wouldn’t rule out a return to Cleveland. Excuse me? This dude is in the twilight zone. Did he see all the people burning clothes with HIS name on it? Cleveland is a very familial culture, and its citizens have long memories and loyal hearts. I don’t think he will be welcomed in Cleveland any time soon.

Oh, this was after repeating his assertion that he “spoiled” Cleveland fans with his play (hahaha, this one gets me every time!). AND after saying that he never even really liked Cleveland, because as a child, de Cweveland kids was mean to him. BOO HOO. When I was in high school, I f**king hated Poland Seminary High School because those rich pricks DOMINATED us in every sport. But I can tell you this much-should they ever come-a-calling, offering to put my likeness on a massive billboard while showering me with TENS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, you bet your sweet knees I’ll love ‘em. Love the s**t right out of them.

One thing I do like about the new South Beach ‘Bron-he’s starting to talk more like his puppet and referring to himself in the 3^rd person.  We see how it worked for the Jimmy.

Sister Marie-Daniel, 86, and Sister Saint-Denis, 82, fled their nunnery two weeks ago after officials told them they were being sent to a retirement home 250 miles away from their convent.

A convent insider had told France-Soir newspaper that the nuns were furious at being “put out to grass” in a retirement home after 50 years at the nunnery – almost sounding as if they were being “put down” like lost dogs at the pound.

It does make you wonder, however, what two eighty-something year old nuns would be doing as fugitives? Most of the alternatives would be hiding in a ditch, sleeping under bridges, or crashing in some abandoned building. Like I said, even a remote mountain retreat in France sounds better than that.

Mr. Long Dong

You read that right, former Cowboys coach Jimmy Johnson is going to be a contestant on the show Survivor: Nicaragua. He said he almost qualified for the show last year, but failed a physical. Considering how physical most of the challenges have become in recent years, it is doubtful he will have much chance against the younger guys.  They are filming now.

The show will begin airing on Wednesdays in September. He will be finished in time for the NFL season.

One question: If he’s only allowed to bring one thing, what will it be? His hairspray or his Extenze?

There is a new product available that will not only give you an additional cup size or two to your breasteses, but it will also allow you to get hammered at your favorite sporting event, festival, church, whatever you like!

The product is called the “Wine Rack”, which as a described above, is a pretty amazing idea. Not only will this enhance the ladies’ tatas, but it will also enhance any man’s chance at getting laid!

All you do is fill up your beverage of choice into the polyurethane bag which is inserted into the bra, pull the tube out, and enjoy. And don’t worry fellas, there’s a version for you as well, but it’s not quite as flattering.

All of its regularly produced beverages are named in honor of some piece of Ohio history. From celebrating the Cuyahoga River burning from the pollution in it (Burning River Pale Ale) to Edmund Fitzgerald Porter (famous shipwreck in Lake Erie, and a rockingly awesome Gordon Lightfoot song) and Holy Moses White Ale (named after city founder Moses Cleveland), Great Lakes reps their hood with a pride not normally associated with Cleveland.

On Tuesday, they kept that streak alive by announcing there would be a special beer available exclusively at the brewery on Market Street in Cleveland, across the street from high school football powerhouse St. Ignatius.

From Wednesday July 14^th at 4:00 PM until Saturday July 17^th(or while supplies last), Cavs fans can wash away the rotten taste of “the Prince” leaving with “Quitness” India Pale Ale. It is a cask-conditioned, dry-hopped India Pale Ale, that the brewery says is “sure to be as bitter as the mood of Cleveland these days!”

Well done, brewers. I always knew there was a reason I love alcohol so much. Because it never leaves you. My only regret is that I don’t live close enough to enjoy this new delight from a World Champion that won’t leave Cleveland. Kiss my dick, Princess!!