-I want to see Alabama and LSU to play the most BORING game in the history of the BCS, forcing that sham of a system to crumble.  This one shouldn’t be a stretch…

-I want poor Chris Paul to find a home.  Though I believe he is SUPREMELY overrated, being jerked around the way that he is doesn’t seem fair.  “Hey Chris, you’re a Laker… just kidding, you’re a Hornet…  I mean you’re a Clipper… err… still a Hornet… oh and a Clipper again.”  What a joke.

-I’d like to see the Cleveland Browns training staff explain why they felt that quarterback Colt McCoy didn’t need a full concussion test after this hit.  I needed a concussion test from just watching Colt get crushed by that criminal.

-Speaking of criminals… I’d love to see these animals prosecuted.  This thuggery has absolutely no place in college sports.  Think their scholarships will be suspended?  They should be.

-I’d like to see Peyton Manning get healthy.  I’m not used to watching the Colts play this bad.

-I want to sit down with the NBA owners and let them know that they are doing it wrong.  Locking out the players because you’re losing money, and then turning around and handing Kwame Brown $8 million this year is a travesty.  How did you peabrains become billionaires?

-I would love to see Albert Pujols flounder with the Angels.  I don’t care that you didn’t hold an obnoxious press conference with Jim Grey, when you leave a city that loves you for a city that couldn’t care less about their sports franchise, you become Baseball Lebron.  You rat.

-I’d like Michael Phelps to lay off the hippie-lettuce.  2012 Summer Olympics are right around the corner…  USA!  USA!  USA!

-I would like to see Buster Posey, Stephen Strausburg, and Adam Wainwright bounce back next season.  These three are solid young stars that make the game more fun to watch.  And don’t cheat.  I’m looking at you, Ryan Braun.

-I’d like to see the Packers go 16-0 and win the Super Bowl.  Mainly because I am a minority owner in the franchise.  Go Pack Go!

-I don’t even want Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather to fight anymore.  Who cares?  Losers.

-I’d like to see some justice for these creeps that are accused of molesting children.  Seriously… what is wrong with these freaks?  Maximum sentences all around.

-I don’t want Andrew Luck to be as good as advertised.  I want him to be better.

-I want the Miami Heat to suck.  Like… REALLY bad.

-I want Ndomukong Suh and James Harrison to fight in a steel cage match.  Loser leaves the NFL forever.  Winner gets staph infection.

-I never want Tim Tebow to leave the spotlight.  I know he is a total cheese dick.  I know he doesn’t have the throwing mechanics that Mel Kiper jerks off to.  I know he rubs some people the wrong way…  but he is the best.  He is television gold, and he is fun to watch.  If you don’t root for Tim Tebow, you don’t root for America.  Stop being a communist.

Magic has a lot of local connections going for him. Outside the obvious of playing for the Lakers, Magic is a local hero off the court as well – he has built many retail locations in the urban areas of LA helping the community, local economy, etc.

Over the last few decades, it is debatable that Magic Johnson could be the greatest sports figure in Los Angeles. The Dodgers are a team that is desperate for a positive change, and what would be better than bringing in Magic? It’s not only to give fans a sense of hope, but also allowing Magic the honor of being the first African American owner in MLB history.

But if you really want to make a positive impact with the fans, I think you have to go with Mark Cuban. I’m not from LA, so maybe Magic’s impact is even greater than I expect, but for me, Cuban would turn me from a pessimistic fan, to a fan that wants to screw the baseball world right in the ass.

If I were a Dodgers fan and Cuban was my owner, I would expect the best, most expensive players because that is how Mark Cuban rolls. Pujols, CJ Wilson, Prince Fielder (We’ll find a place for him) – give me all of ‘em. Buy me a championship, I am not above it.

Cuban would definitely be the Wicked Steinbrenner of the West, and I think it would be a great thing for the Dodgers and for baseball.

Either way you look at it, they would both have to be better than Frank McCourt, right?

One of the biggest misconceptions about Major League Baseball seems to be that teams like the Yankees, Red Sox, Phillies and Dodgers “buy their players” in an effort to win world championships. That alone isn’t the misconception, it’s the fact that the ignorant water-cooler-chatter-type fans who complain about this do not realize that all clubs “buy their players!”

When you take into account the fact that most fans are grossly ignorant about how the business of baseball works, this misconception becomes extremely widespread.

Unlike other professional sports, Major League Baseball does not have a salary cap. This means that owners are free to spend as much as they would like to build their business (the team) and/or to try to win a title. I say “and/or” because there is an important distinction: some owners purposely avoid paying top dollar to recruit or keep the best players so as to ensure their investment remains profitable, knowing that their team will not have a very good chance to win a a championship.

One of the most common complaints heard is from Cleveland Indians fans, who often whine about how the Yankees “buy their players” and how the Indians cannot afford to pay the same salaries as New York. What these fans, and many others, do not realize is that nearly every major league club (including the Indians) is owned by a billionaire who can afford to spend as much or as little as he chooses on player salaries in an effort to field the best team possible.

The Indians, for example, are owned by billionaire Larry Dolan. Besides owning the Indians, which he bought for $323 million, Dolan also owns SportsTime Ohio, the cable network home of the Indians and Cleveland Browns. The Dolan Family is estimated to be worth around $2.6 billion. Arguing that Dolan doesn’t have the resources to pay players as much as the Yankees is ignorant and laughable. After all, he found $323 million to buy the team and as you’ll see below, he makes around $20m/year from it.

I believe fans are confused because they cannot get over the “small market vs. big market” thought in which they believe that because teams like the Yankees, Mets, Red Sox, Angels, Cubs, White Sox, Dodgers & Phillies are from larger metro areas, they make more money and can afford to spend more than other teams. The fact of the matter is that it is up to the owner of the team to determine how much he is willing to invest into his asset. If you’ve ever hear the cliche “you have to spend money to make money” you should understand that just like any other business, investing in your asset is crucial and a Major League Baseball team is no different.

Furthermore, spending money doesn’t guarantee a winner or a profitable investment, it simply increases the odds. If money spent equaled titles won, why don’t the Yankees and Red Sox and other big spenders win the World Series every year?

In the past 10 years, the Yankees have spent around $2 billion on players salaries, with one world championship to show for it. They have spent this money in an effort to field the best team possible every year, which in turn gives them the best possible chance to win a title. This makes their fans very happy because despite the on-the-field results, the Yankees at least contend nearly every year, whether the club is profitable or not. In other words, the owners are willing to invest as much as they need to put a winning product on the field, even at the risk of losing money.

Some teams, like the Indians for example, stop short of paying top-tier players because they care more about making money.

Below you’ll find charts from Forbes.com showing a list of teams from most profitable to least profitable from 2007-2010. You may be surprised to see that both the Yankees and Red Sox actually lost money in 2007 while chasing a world championship ($47 million and $19 million), while the two most profitable teams were the Washington Nationals and the Florida Marlins.

Source

The Red Sox returned to profitability in 2008, although they still didn’t make as much money as “small market” teams like the Minnesota Twins, Baltimore Orioles, Tampa Bay Rays or Florida Marlins. As for the Yankees, they cut their losses to $3.7 million, finishing ahead of only the Detroit Tigers for least profitable club in the league.Source

In 2009, the Yankees finally got back in the black, posting a $25m profit, yet still not making as much money as the Twins, Cubs, Mets, White Sox, Padres, Dodgers, Nationals, Red Sox or Marlins. Note: The 2009 profit still had the Yanks far from making up the losses from the prior 2 years.

 Source

2010 was another solid year for most teams, including the Yankees who finally made up their losses from 2007 and 2008 to finish the 4 year period at a break-even. Over that same 4 year period, every other team in baseball other than the Detroit Tigers posted a profit. The Cleveland Indians made nearly $72 million between 2007-2010. Plenty of Indians fans complain that their club doesn’t have the money to compete, but I guarantee Larry Dolan and company aren’t complaining about the $72 million dollars the Tribe put in their pocket… at the expense of putting the best product possible on the field.

Source

Some people will read everything above, look at the charts and still dismiss everything they see because they will dwell on the Yankees being the most valuable franchise in baseball. This too is ignorant and has nothing to do with how much ownership of the Yankees, or any other ball club, chooses to pay their players.

Another way to look at this might be through real estate. Real estate investors typically purchase real estate for one of two reasons: cash flow or appreciation. In places like the mid-west, real estate can be bought at a price that allows the owner to cash flow. In other places like California and New York, however, investors often lose money on their investment, hoping that it will appreciate during their holding and that they will be able to sell it for a profit.

The same can be said of the Yankees. Their owners have created a brand that makes them the most valuable franchise in the MLB, regardless of if they are cash-flow positive from year to year. The Yankees certainly weren’t the most valuable franchise in baseball in the 80s and early 90s while they were competing with the Indians for “worst team in the American League.”

Their brand needed built, and their owners, specifically the late George Steinbrenner, built it. (In a cruel and ironic twist, it is commonly know that Steinbrenner, an Ohio native, originally intended to buy the Cleveland Indians!)

The owners of teams like the Yankees, Red Sox and Tigers are willing to spend whatever it takes to put the best team on the field, while the owners of teams like the Marlins, Nationals and Indians are more concerned with staying profitable, often at the expense of their fans.

Often times these fans will call for a salary cap, and honestly, I don’t know if I’m for one or against one. However, I can tell you who’s certainly against a salary cap: the players! This little irony makes me laugh… your typical disgruntled Indians fan who believes a salary cap will level the playing field doesn’t realize that the players he is “arguing for” would not have his back! The last thing the players want is a restriction on how much money they are allowed to earn. Can you blame them?

The shriveled up geezers from back in the day always said “act like you’ve been there before.”

After hitting a walk-off single that advances the Brewers into the next round of the NL playoffs, Nyjer Morgan jumped around and screamed like he won the Super Bowl. Could you imagine Willie Mays acting like that after winning an NLDS series? Of course not.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for the Brewers. They don’t win very often (historically) and the Diamondbacks still don’t seem like a real team to me. (Something about expansion franchises that were born during my lifetime…)

With Prince Fielder leaving after this year, they won’t have quite the pop they have right now. Who knows? They could be just as good without him, but you can’t count on it.

They have to win now. So I understand why Morgan would be excited.

But damn, man, show at least a little class on national TV. He treated my kids to repeated “F**k yeahs!” after his game-winning hit.

Of course, my kids thought it was funny, and I don’t really give a s**t either. I just thought he was acting like a douche. It was pretty hilarious to watch the TV peeps try to get some semblance of control on the field, but it just wasn’t in the cards tonight.

It’s an NLDS series. You’ve still got to win TWO MORE series’ before you truly win anything. And your opponents are going to get A LOT harder than the Diamondbacks.

It’s like blowing your load during dinner when she tells you your gonna get laid tonight. You might want to save a little bit for later is all I’m sayin’.

But what else would you expect from a guy who hit a fan in the head with a baseball?*

*You didn’t think I was gonna let him off that easy did you?

Teams play a grueling 162 game schedule (which is probably too-long but that’s for another rant) to determine playoff match-ups and home field advantage, and their reward is a playoff series in a best-of-5 format in which the better team loses home field advantage if they lose 1 of the first 2 games.

For those of you who aren’t math geniuses, that means the team who had the worse regular season record only needs to win 50% of the games in their opponents ballpark to gain home field advantage for themselves. (The format is 2-2-1, meaning 2 games in the ballpark of the favorite, followed by 2 in the ballpark of the underdog, and the decisive 5th game goes back to the favorite’s park if needed.) Had the underdog won 50% of their games during the regular season, they surely wouldn’t even be in the playoffs, yet in the Division Series splitting the opening 2 games gives them a decided advantage!

How this seems like a good idea to anyone is beyond me. Sure, I am overly bitter about it in the moment as my New York Yankees are about to lose the Division Series to the lowly Detroit Tigers, however I’d be making the same argument if the Yankees weren’t even in the playoffs.

You can search all of professional sports and the only place you’ll find a playoff series determined in the best-of-5 format is in Major League Baseball. That alone should set off alarms in the minds of MLB execs.

In its current format, the Division Series is nothing more than a “who has the best pitcher” contest. One solid ace (read: Justin Verlander) can pitch twice and practically lock up the series. To lower variance and truly give determine the better team, the Division Series should be a best-of-7 series, like every other playoff series on the planet.

Whether you are a Prima-donna rat, a Kardashian boning Heisman cheater, or the most annoying manager in baseball history, Miami is just the place to be!

It was announced last night that former White Sox manager, Ozzie Guillen, has been traded to the Marlins for 2 prospects. There are reports this morning as well saying he was just released from his contract, so I am still a bit confused as to what the f**k is actually going on.

If Guillen does become the next Marlins coach, he will replace Jack McKeon who also announced that he will be retiring at the end of the season at the age of 80.

And while I understand why Chicago no longer wanted Guillen, what did the people of Miami do to deserve this asshole? And why has Miami become the go to spot for the biggest attention whores in sports?

You’ve been there. The grill is heated up, friends are hungry and you’re ready to cook these babies up. But those goddamn frozen hamburger patties never separate easily. You’ve tried throwing them down on the counter, pulling them apart with your hands, maybe even throwing them in the microwave.

Of course what we should do is use lukewarm water. You think that’s what Affeldt did?

Hell no. He went medieval on their ass. He busted out a knife sharp enough to cut through his entire hand. He somehow stabbed himself to the point where his pinkie finger was numb.

“If I had used a butter knife, nothing would have happened. The burger was coming loose and to wiggle it loose I used the knife and it pushed through the burger and right through my hand. It was not a slice, it’s an actual stab. … If it had been a serrated knife I could have done more damage.”

Yep, that’s pretty dumb. If that happened to a friend of mine, my first question would be to ask how drunk he was. If Affeldt WASN’T drunk, then that’s even more embarrassing.

About 8 hours after the accident he had season-ending surgery, adding his name to the long list of stupid baseball injuries.

Glenallen Hill’s bout with dreamland spiders is my favorite. Some of my other favorites are below: (thanks to http://www.stevetheump.com)

Sammy Sosa was disabled after a violent sneeze in the dugout, suffering back spasms.

Red Sox rookie Clarence Blethen thought he looked older and meaner if he took his false teeth out when he pitched. He forgot to put them back in his mouth when he was batting. While sliding into second base to break up a double play, his own teeth bit himself in the butt.

Ken Griffey Jr. missed a game after his cup slipped and pinched a testicle.

Ken Griffey Jr. also got a sore back lifting boxes.

Denny McLain’s strange baseball injury is very mysterious. One night Denny McLain went to bed completely healthy. The next night McLain woke up with four dislocated toes. Gotta pay off.

Freddie Fitzsimmons was sitting in a rocking chair sleeping when he crushed his own fingers underneath the chair. Maybe he also dislocated Denny McLain’s toes.

Outfielder Dustan Mohr strained his groin while trying to get out of the dugout for a celebration for another player’s home run.

Reliever Joey Eischen broke his arm jumping into the air to field a ground ball.

Adam Eaton missed a start in 2001 after stabbing himself with a paring knife while attempting to open a DVD box.

Charlie Hough broke his pinky finger while shaking hands.

Mickey Tettleton went on the DL with a severe case of athlete’s foot – caused by tying his shoes too tight.

Jose Cardenal missed a game in 1972 because he was kept awake all night by crickets chirping in his hotel room.

In 1998, Cleveland’s Brian Giles missed a few games due to spider bites.

Moises Alou injured his knee in 1999 by falling off his treadmill. When almost ready to return in 2000, he re-injured it by running over his son with his bicycle. He missed over a year.

Jose Cardenal also missed a game in 1974, because he couldn’t blink. He swore his eyes were stuck open.

Bob Feller scalded himself with 200-degree water after he lost control of the hose in a whirlpool. He scalded himself from the waist down, and couldn’t do anything for a week.

Russ Davis missed a game after he slept wrong and awoke with a sore shoulder.

David Cone missed a start after getting bit by his mother-in-law’s dog, a Jack Russell Terrier.

Sammy Sosa missed a game after sleeping wrong on his shoulder.

Jim Corsi slipped coming out of the shower and sprained his wrist. Corsi has poor eyesight, wasn’t wearing contacts, and misjudged his step.

Bob Stanley missed a couple of games slipping down the stairs while taking out the trash.

Carlos Perez broke his nose in a car accident….as he was trying to pass the team bus.

Brian Anderson suffered nerve damage in his elbow after a cab ride.

Tony Gwynn missed a couple of games after he smashed his thumb in the door of his luxury car. While going to the bank.

Rickey Henderson missed several games because of frost- bite. In August.

Vince Coleman missed the 1985 World Series when he got rolled up in the tarp machine.

Pascual Perez missed a start in Atlanta when he circled the city for more than two hours searching for the exit ramp from Highway 285 to Fulton County Stadium.

Kevin Mitchell strained a muscle while vomiting.

Twins farmhand David Foster was knocked out for the season when a lightning strike through a phone line zapped him while he was making a call.

Pitcher Steve Foster injured his shoulder knocking over milk bottles during a segment with Jay Leno on “The Tonight Show.”

Wade Boggs missed several games after straining his back while pulling on his cowboy boots.

Paul Molitor dislocated a knuckle when it got stuck in another player’s glove.

Milwaukee’s Dave Nilsson missed part of this season with Ross River Fever, a mosquito-borne virus that annually affects 200 out of Australia’s 17 million residents.

Twins general manager Terry Ryan required dozens of stitches when he was scouting a game and a bat flew out of the hitter’s hands, sailed through a space in the backstop and struck him in the forehead.

Pitcher Jeff Juden had a start early in the 1994 season pushed back after getting an infection from a tattoo.

Outfielder Bret Barberie missed a game when he accidentally rubbed chili juice in his eye.

Doc Gooden missed a start when Vince Coleman accidentally hit him with a golf club in the Mets’ clubhouse.

Pitcher Steve Sparks dislocated his shoulder while tearing a phone book in half, as he was trying to emulate a motivational speaker.

Reliever Larry Anderson strained a rib muscle getting out of a Jucuzzi.

Pitcher Ted Power pulled a hamstring jumping off the bullpen bench to join a brawl.

Kent Hrbek missed the final 10 games of the 1990 season when he sprained an ankle while wrestling with a clubhouse attendant.

Florida’s Randy Veres hurt his hand pounding on a hotel room wall trying to get the people in the next room to quiet down.

Dennis Martinez injured his arm tossing his luggage onto the team bus.

Chris Brown missed a game with a strained eyelid after sleeping on an eye a funny way.

Terry Harper (Atlanta, OF) injured his shoulder after giving another player a high five.

Greg Harris (Texas, pitcher) injured his shoulder trying to flick sunflower seeds into the stands from the bullpen.

Baltimore’s Mark Smith was hurt when he stuck his hand in an air conditioner to see why it wasn’t working properly.

Glenallen Hill missed a few games after falling out of his bed while having an arachnophobic dream about spiders. He dreamt that spiders were devouring him, jumped off his bed, fell through a glass table, and crawled through the shards of glass.

Shortstop Rey Quinones wasn’t available as a pinch hitter as he was in the clubhouse playing Nintendo. (It’s not an injury, but it’s pretty funny!

Poor Nails. He goes through life like a bulldozer.

I loved having him on my fantasy baseball team in the early 90s. He hit for average, scored a lot of runs and stole a few bases too. His style of play always had people reminiscing of ole Pete Rose.

Now we get to see just what that kind of mentality will do to you when you have money and not much else to do.

Lenny Dykstra made about $36 million is his career. After filing for bankruptcy he raided his house and sold a bunch of s**t. That’s a no no to the po po.

He is custody in LA for a number of things, mostly felonies. I guess never a time like the present to kick a man when he’s down.

He is now being charged with hiring women off Craigslist to do some housework, and then he would tell them that they need to give him a message while he would show them little Lenny.

Some of these women apparently took exception to the peep show and told the cops. Six women have some forward so far.

Somehow, I doubt this is the bottom of the downward spiral for Dykstra. He is probably about 3/4 of the way down.

We’ve been watching Thome hit the living s**t out of the ball for two decades, with little to no fanfare. His “chase” to 600 has been one of the quietest of all time.

Of course, it helps to hit 599 and 600 in the same game to avoid the annoying media build-up that hung onto Ken Griffey, Jr.’s ass like the world’s most painful boil.

Only eight players in MLB history have hit over 600 home runs — and it appears he just did it in the wrong era.

But he could give a damn about fame. That much has always been obvious.

The 600 club now includes: Barry Bonds, Hank Aaron, Babe Ruth, Willie Mays, KGJ, A-Rod, Sammy Sosa and Jim Thome.

Those are the biggest names in history, period.

No one could honestly argue that he has ever been the best player in the league at any particular time. He never could play defense worth a damn. He wasn’t a terror on the basepaths.

He was a masher. His hero was Dave Kingman for crying out loud. Thome dreamed one day of being a poor man’s Mark McGwire.

You could say he eclipsed that goal.

His career line: .277/600 HR/2263 hits/1662 RBI is astonishing. He was able to play for a long time, compiling huge numbers — with uncanny consistency.

He really only missed one year to injury, limited to just 59 games in 2005. He batted .207 and hit only 7 home runs that year. At 34, it looked like the Jim Thome train had run out of fuel.

He stuck with it, and honestly, his last 7 years have looked amazingly Kingman-like. Which I am sure is just OK with the hyper-competitive old man.

Unfortunately, with any home run hitter we have to start any HOF talk with a disclaimer: Assuming he is never connected with steroids, he will be a first ballot Hall of Famer.

But this kid’s reaction just isn’t normal for a future man. It is obvious that his mom had way too much influence on this behavior and it is unacceptable. In fact, I’m sure after this video gets sent around to a few hundred websites today, this kid will also regret his reaction. Most kids that age are brutal, and whatever I say right now will be like a bedtime story compared to what he will hear at school.

Unless of course he is somehow the only boy going to an all girl’s school.  Which would definitely help explain his boy band-like meltdown.

Today was not a good day to be a fan of Cleveland baseball.

In what was possibly unprecedented in professional baseball history (Elias, I’m lookin’ at you), both the Cleveland Indians and local Frontier League team, the Lake Erie Crushers, were no-hit today.

Both games were played in Cleveland. Although the Crushers are not affiliated with the Indians, it doesn’t make it any less amazing that two professional baseball teams were no-hit in the same city on the same day.

I’d really like to know if that’s ever happened before.

The Indians were shut down by Ervin Santana, while Lake Erie lost to Joliet’s Andrew Moss.

Oddly enough, neither team was shut out. The Indians lost 3-1 and the Crushers lost 10-1.

Ervin Santana (6-8), threw the first no-hitter in Jacobs/Progressive Field history. It was the Angels’ first no-hitter since 1984 (anyone remember lanky-ass Mike Witt?). It was the first time since one-armed Jim Abbott tossed up a no-no that the Indians were held hitless (1993).

Andrew Moss, on the other hand, tripped, fell and stumbled his way into a no-hitter. He walked six and hit one, while getting some top-notch defense help as well. But who am I kidding? A no-no is a no-no.

It really doesn’t matter though. This kind of s**t happens in one town and one town only.

F**kin’ Cleveland, man. F**kin’ Cleveland.

To celebrate such ineptitude, and to give the Nats fans a break,  Duffy’s Irish Pubin DC is offering Pabst tallboys, and Miller and Bud beers for whatever Werth’s average is. To honor good ole-fashioned small-business ingenuity, we have decided to show  you each team’s most inept batter, along with the price a beer should run you at a nearby bar. Bottoms up!!

AMERICAN LEAGUE

EAST

Baltimore

A beer at Pickles Pub should fetch $2.19 courtesy of OF Felix Pie, making a cool $985k this season.

NYY

 Stan’s Sports Bar would offer up a brew for a mere $2.24, thanks to Yanks hero Jorge Posada, he of the sizzling average under his weight. $13 million well-spent.

Boston

McGreevy’s 3rd Base, with its claim of being 1,200 steps from Fenway, will be practically giving away Sam Adams for a paltry $2.19. Muchas gracias, JD Drew and your 14 million fazools.

Toronto

Whether you speak French or English, a Molson will only run you $2.15 at the Real Sports Bar(only in Canada)  due to catcher JP Arencibia. $425k

Tampa Bay

$1.93 beers on infielder Reid Brignac at Ferg’s Sports Bar & Grill!! At $425k this year, the first few rounds are on him.

Central

Cleveland

At  The Clevelander, you’ll be able to get a big frothy beer for a paltry $2.17, to the credit of utility infielder Jack Hanahan and his $500k salary.

Minnesota

Scrub 3b Danny Valencia and his $438k salary have “earned” fans at Darby’s Pub beers for $2.33.

ChicagoWhite Sox

Ahh, one of my personal favorites – DH Adam Dunn, he of the $12 million salary, is hitting a meager .163, basically giving fans at Juniors a 2-for-1 deal.

Detroit

It warms my heart to see veteran utilityman, and $5.5 million man, Brandon Inge, raking at a completely disrespectable .177. Probably still too rich for Tiger fans’ blood at Coaches Corner.

Kansas City

Kaufman Stadium is in the middle of nowhere, and the only bar near look’s to be RG’s, which would have the highest price cold one on our list, at $2. 57. SS Alicides Escobar is mildly earning his $428k.

West

Texas

Ian Kinsler is making $6 mil this year, and hitting .251. A main reason the Rangers are so good, that their worst hitter is at .250. So even though it’s not a great deal, I’m sure fans will still enjoy their time at Bikini Sports Bar.

Los Angeles Angels

Vernon Wells makes TWENTY-THREE FUCKING MILLION DOLLARS. To hit .223. At least the fans at Throwbacks won’t go broke downing beers every time Wells pops out to short.

Oakland

The Coliseum is in the hood – the closest bar being The Grand Oak Sports Bar; quite a cab ride from the stadium. But fans will sure enjoy $2.21 beers on Matsui’s  s**tty average and $4.25 million salary

Seattle

Seattle has more coffee shops than any city in the nation – so you could a $2.25 latte at Starbucks or a beer at The Central, Seattle’s oldest saloon, thanks to 1b Justin Smoak’s $430k.

  NATIONAL LEAGUE

East

Atlanta

Not only will you get killer ribs at the  Bullpen Rib House , but also $2.27 beers due to light-hitting SS Alex Gonzalez’s bat. Luckily he’s slick with the leather, otherwise $5 mil MIGHT be a bit steep.

Florida

The titties aren’t the only things to get excited about at Tootsie’s Cabaret! $2.24 cold ones!!! Yayyyyy, John Buck!! He’s got $4.5 mil to rain on those ladies

New YorkMets

So McFadden’shas 2 hours of open bar EVERY GAME NIGHT. And that is more awesome than the $2.39 beers from CF Angel Pagan’s mediocre average. $3.5 mil doesn’t get you what it used to.

Philadelphia

Get yourself a tower of beer at Chickie and Pete’s for a mere $2.25. Ben Francisco and his $1.2 mil combined with Cliff Lee to bring a Series title back to Philly.

Washington

  Duh.

Central

Cincinnati

At the In-Between Tavern, Johnny Gomes pathetic .214 average will get you a solidly cheap beer. Reds fans wish they could say the same about their outfielder. (UPDATE: Reds have raised their prices already as Johnny Gomes has been traded to the Nats. Edgar Renteria will still get you a cold one for $2.33)

Chicago Cubs

Carlos Pena is paid a lot of money to hit the ball ($10 mil to be exact). Where he fails, you can succeed. $2.24 beers at the Cubby Bear Lounge.

Houston

Minute Maid Park is a hitters park. Unless your name is Chris Johnson, and you play 3^rdfor the Astros. In that case, a cup of suds at the Home Plate Grill will only run patrons $2.44.

St. Louis

Hot Shotslooks like a toolshed. Just like the guy earning everyone $2.41 beers,  CF Colby Rasmus. Good thinkg they only pay him $443k.

Milwaukee

Algonquin for “the good land”, Milwaukee also  must be baseball-ese for “I hate hitting” for CF Carlos Gomez. For $1.5 mil, this Scott Boras client will net you $2.20 brews at The Wisco Sports Bar & Grill.

Pittsburgh

The Pirates are playing good ball this year – currently tied for first place. 1b Lyle Overbay has nothing to do with that, swinging away at a .236 clip. Mullen’s Bar and Grill doesn’t mind that he makes $5 mil though!

West

San Francisco

 Aubrey Huff is making $11 million this year, to hit .233. With one good game he might be in the team lead . A beer probably hasn’t been this cheap at The Public House since Will Clark played.

Arizona

It’s hot as f**k in Arizona, everywhere but the batter’s box when 2b Kelly Johnson steps in. For $5.85 million, a beer at Thunder Dan Majerles should run you more than $2.18.

Colorado

MLB must substitute super-humidized balls whenever C Chris Iannetta steps up to bat. His .219 average is thinner than the mountain air. Thirsty Rockies fans can take advantage at Uptown Brothers Brewing Company, and drink away the fact that this light-hitting catcher is bring in $2.5 million

Los Angeles Dodgers

The Short Stop bar still has a MySpace page. Outdated, just like their $8 million dollar utility infielder Juan Uribe, and his .202 average.

San Diego

The Pads like to wear camo unis occasionally, in honor of the largest Naval base on the West Coast. Ryan Ludwick must be swinging at an camo-ball. Why else would beers be $2.41 at The Corner for a guy making $6.8 million??

There you have it folks – the worst everyday hitter on each team in the majors, along with a place you could get a (fictional) cheap bear pegged to their average. Wouldn’t it be nice if more places were like  Duffy’s Irish Pub?

This s**t is kind of sick, so if you don’t like watching someone’s ankle violently bend the wrong direction, don’t watch the video below.

Second disclaimer:

It is an MLB video, so it probably won’t stay up for very long.

Mr. Lopez took part in a life-altering event when he caught Derek Jeter’s 3,000 hit. It couldn’t have been anymore seren-f**king-dipitous. Not only does Jeter hit a dinger on # 3k, but he hits it to a dude with $100k+ in debt?! They make movies out of s**t like this!

But Lopez would have none of it. He willingly gave up the ball for some tickets and other swag. WHICH, ironically, might end up costing him ANOTHER 15 large if the IRS decides to treat the gear as income, as opposed to gifts. If you ask me, they should consider that s**t income. He was given one gift that day, and he swapped it. His best hope lies on the ability of the IRS to take pity on a fool. Hehe.

What tickles me newborn-girl pink is the irony of this situation. A guy so deep in debt that he won’t escape it if he lives to be a 150, has every problem solved in an instant, only to turn give it back. And give it back to a guy that was angered to be offered $45 million over 3 years, and coming off the worst season of his career.

People have been calling Christian Lopez a noble, an honorable, and a commendable young man. But isn’t improving your life the noble, honorable, and commendable thing? The argument for giving back the ball goes along the lines of, “the person who caught the ball did nothing to earn the money that goes with it.” Erroneous. He bought a ticket to that game, hoping for what exactly happened to happen. And Lopez and his father had to make sure no other skeevy Yankee fans got their paws on that ball.

A real baseball fan knows that the greatest lesson the game offers is maximizing opportunities. The game revolves around that premise –the stolen bases, the hit-and-runs; the suicide squeezes, and the hanging-curves-turned-rocket-ships. If he hits the lottery, is he going to give the money back to the girl that draws the numbers??

Talk about a swing and a miss… this was a meatball thrown right down funky Broadway, at you, Christian Lopez. And all you got was a lousy tax bill? Catch ya on Cops, simp.

A man attempting to catch a foul ball tossed into the stands by Josh Hamilton, falls and eventually dies due to what I assume was major head trauma.

I feel bad for Josh Hamilton, terrible for his son that was with him at the game, and even worse for the idiot that designed this stadium. This was a situation that could have been avoided.

For once, I am not trying to be a dick, but video of the incident is below.

Wait a minute, who the hell am I kidding? We LOVE to make fun of professional athletes who hurt themselves doing challenging things like running a straight line for 90 feet. That’s s**t’s hard, man.

Thankfully, someone made an animated GIF out of it, because honestly, those 3 seconds are way funnier when they are played in an infinite loop.

Without further delay, we give you Fausto Carmona Running To First: The Animated GIF.

Speaking of, did you know that the Washington Nationals Manager wasJim Riggleman?

And I say was, because Riggleman is now the former Nationals Manager after quitting following the team’s win over Seattle due to the team not giving him the contract he feels he deserves. And when the team told him they weren’t ready to pick up his 2012 option, he basically gave everyone in the Nation’s capital the finger.

“It’s about me,” Riggleman said. “It’s about looking in the mirror and feeling like I’ve got to answer to myself. In today’s world in major sports, it’s not a good environment to work when the manager or head coach in football or whatever is on a short leash. Too many negatives can come out of it. You’re walking on egg shells too often. You can’t think out of the box as much. I thought after 10 years I’d earned the right to have a little bit longer leash.”

Talk about a load of bulls**t. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I do understand his point of not feeling comfortable working on one year deals, but that’s just something you need to suck the f**k up. You are a Major League Baseball Manager making $600,000 a year!! Get the f**k over yourself, continue to build your team that has won 11 of 12 games (didn’t know that either), and enjoy the life that any other person in the corporate world would replace in a second.

Can you tell I’m bitter? Asshole…

Daisuke had something called a “gyroball”, to go along with 5 other pitches. And if you believed the Red Sox hype (or any Masshole Sawx fans you know), he was going to be the most unhittable pitcher since the Rocket. For one year, in 2008, he approached those expectations, going 18-3 with a 2.90 ERA.

But for his career, he has been hopelessly disappointing. Baseball Reference has Daisuke ranked slightly ahead of Eric Plunk historically, at #799. Not terrible, considering that there are approximately 300 pitchers in the league at any given minute. His career ERA is 4.25, and he threw 200+ innings in his rookie year, 2007, when he also led the league in walks. Again, not bad-UNLESS your team forked over 100 million smackeroos for your services.

Daisuke hasn’t pitched since May 19^th, and the speculation is rampant that he will soon have season-ending Tommy John surgery. The timetable for return from the procedure is 12-18 months, and Daisuke’s contract will expire after the 2012 season. Which means it’s all over but the cryin’ for this miserable couple.  

Neither one in this couple got what they wanted. PSYCHE!! The Red Sox didn’t get what they wanted out of their $100 million f**king dollars. Daisuke got a big fat American gut and an even fatter paycheck. So Looks like the joke is on Boston, and rightly so. Not even the Yankees ponied up fifty mil for the honor of negotiating with the prospect. There’s still time though…

Pat Venditte is currently in the Yankees farm system also as an ambidextrous pitcher, but word is he more of a novelty act.

Being a dominate ambidextrous pitcher would be a weapon that no one could match, especially if you were equally awesome from both sides. But would being a pitcher that could go both ways be the best sport to utilize this unique ability?

What about being a QB that could throw 65 yards with either arm with deadly accuracy? Or being able to scramble either direction knowing that neither side would put you at a disadvantage – getting taken down and being able to get rid of the ball with ease – even in college, being able to run the perfect option. All of these would easily put an ambidextrous QB at an advantage.

There’s also an argument that could be made for being a shooting guard that could easily drain threes with both hands. Dribble right, pull up. Dribble left, pull up. Get fouled, shoot with the other hand.

Most good basketball players are basically ambidextrous when it comes to dribbling anyway, but shooting with both hands is a different story.

So if your prick of a dad forced you to use both hands growing up (other than being a fantastic masturbater), which sport would being ambidextrous help the most?

And is anyone really shocked that their manager let a pitcher struggle long enough to give up more runs in under three innings than any pitcher ever?

There’s a reason the Royals always suck. Lots of them, actually.

Against the Indians, Vin Mazzaro turned in one of, if not, the worst pitching performances of all time. I think this is one of those instances when you could call the manager an asshole.

He came in for relief duty in the top of the third and blew through that inning without trouble.

Joe Posnanski wrote an awesome article about Mazzaro’s historically bad night, much better than I could. He breaks down similar outings and compares them well. You should check it out.

Basically, Mazzaro gave up 10 runs in the 4th and 4 runs in the fifth, giving him 14 earned runs in 2 1/3 innings.

He was sent back to Omaha, where he promptly got his diaper changed.

Manager Ned Yost defends his decision to leave Mazzaro out to dry.

“You deal with it, you don’t cry about it, you don’t go home and hang your head, you don’t look for sympathy,” Yost said.

“You go do what you do best, and that’s go pitch.”

Not sure who he’s talking to, but it’s doubtful pitching is what Mazzaro does best.