Yes, that’s really his name.

No doubt his parents have a sense of humor. And when you grow up with the name Jack Hiscock, how can you not be a little bit obsessed with the penii?

I have some personal experience with this whole name bit. I have a childhood friend whose last name is Butt. A bigger fan of the backside you will not find. He is a butt man through and through. He promised us all he would grow up to be a proctologist.

So let’s take it easy on Hiscock and Company, who took a picture of themselves — all 15 of them — frontally nude, while covering up their junk with golf equipment.

It’s really not a big deal, but the entire team got suspended. Of course, team captain, Jack Hiscock is appealing.

FREE BETHANY!

And besides, they’re not even the first people to do this. Hiscock claims they were inspired by the UCLA photo below published in Sports Illustrated.

FREE BETHANY! FREE BETHANY!

Williams has given a few interviews, crying about how his former boss/bestie, Eldrick Woods, ditched him.  He had the gall to say that his name should have been cleared from the scandal of his rich boss indiscriminately tapping cocktail whores.  Umm, waitress, another bourbon for Mr. Williams.

Is he f**king drunk? NO ONE CARES ABOUT STEVE WILLIAMS. I forgot he existed until Tiger broke up with him.

I keep referring to this as a break-up, as opposed to a business dissolution, because that is how Williams is treating it. What kind of “best man” bitches about this kind of stuff in public? Straight to the horse’s mouth, buddy, that’s how you deal with it.

This all just confirms my thought that these two were each other best friends by default. Nevermind the estimated $20 million in earnings, to go along with a Nike sponsorship, that he has Mr. Woods to thank for.  Hell, he should have been paying Tiger.

The first rule of changing your life is leaving EVERYTHING behind- that includes your caddy/pal that is either too stupid or too spineless to recognize when you are becoming an epic skid-mark. If Steve Williams were any kind of real friend, he would have aired the grievances in private, challenged Tiger to a wrestling match, and said “Alright pal, how can I help?”

Neither men were scratch players, nor did they really know each other.

On the 17th hole, a 212-yard Par 3, Presnall nailed a hole in one.

Now, I’m not sure how many of you have witnessed, or nailed, a hole in one yourself. But if you have, you know that it’s an amazing experience. Even just watching one in person is cause for a massive 5-minute celebration followed by calls for immediate retirement: “Nothing like going out on top!”

After the exhilaration of Parnsall’s great shot, Bontrager had to step up to the tee and keep the match going. After all, Parsnall had a close lead.

Bontrager refused to fall behind, following Presnall’s shot with a hole-in-one of his own. As you can imagine, they went completely apes**t.

Don’t tell me you wouldn’t.

But no one gives a s**t about the sprite-like South African winning the most celebrated golf event in the world, because afterwards a woman wasn’t allowed in the locker room for interviews.

Tara Sullivan, of The Bergen Record (N.J), was denied post-tourney, backstage access by Augusta National security. Allegedly, the employee was unaware that women reporters were allowed in the locker room. Probably, ya know, because of the whole, Hootie-Johnson-if-I-fall-dead-right-now-our-position-will-not-change incident over women members.

We will excuse the lad for thinking women were not allowed in the changing rooms, which were sure to be rife with dick-and-fart jokes, and ACTUAL dicks and farts.

This shouldn’t surprise anyone. They don’t want woman around their clubhouse AT ALL. Out of all potential women, the “Least Liked at Augusta National” has got to be female reporters.

What I don’t fully understand is Sullivan’s indignation. Were a gentleman press member to express such annoyance at being forbidden from entering a woman’s locker room, he would be branded as a pervert at best. 

Which begs the question of, why do they still do these stupid things in locker rooms anyway?

Yes, we live in the “gotcha!” age, where the faintest slip-ups have immediate and epic proportions. But it isn’t noteworthy at all to catch someone slipping, literally, naked in front of the world. If I popped into your shower at the gym after work asking you how it felt to f**k up PowerPoint slide 11 of the 2011 1^st Quarter Management Process Analysis Meeting? I bet that you’d feel like a dick, and I bet you would say something ignorant that you’d regret.

So let’s do away with this old-school  practice. Just like the newspaper, ok?

I have always asked for Tiger to cut the bulls**t and just be himself. Love all woman. Party. Gamble. Drink. Cuss. Do whatever the f**k you want to do. It might not help his endorsements, but it might help him get back in with the fans. Which sounds pretty important based on one of Tiger’s most recent tweets.

When asked what he thought about Dave Chappelle paying him in the Racial Draft, here was his response.

Possibly the funniest line that has ever been said or written by Tiger Woods. If only he would have followed it up with, “Goodbye fried rice, hello fried chicken”, I might have actually s**t myself.

This will be the first year that the game does not feature its title character on the cover, which seems strange until you consider that John Madden hasn’t been on the cover of one of his games since 2000. One has to wonder if such a thing as the “Tiger Woods Curse” will arise from this move. Well known is the effect of placing a player on the cover of Madden. His blathering ghost has been haunting the poor souls on the cover of his game since the days when Shaun Alexander and Eddie George still played. Wouldn’t it be f**king hilarious if he put Phil Mickelson on the cover every year in an attempt to curse him? Ahh, the spoils of awesomeness.

Tiger will be removed from his own game due to the drastic drop in sales of the game since last Thanksgiving incident. Some estimates place the drop in sales in the 50-60% range, due to Woods’ newfound sleazy image. In response to this final, vicious betrayal, Woods should contact the creators of Leisure Suit Larry about creating a sweet new game with his mug on the cover. Easy Eldrick sounds about right.

OK, so it’s not a joke.  Four golfers actually did go out to a beach in Dubai, armed with some clubs, a lot of balls and a harem of clay pigeons. 

Incredibly, one guy actually hit a clay pigeon mid-air.  What else can I say? 

F**king incredible!

What do you think would be harder?  Hitting a clay pigeon with a golf ball – or finding this guy a date.

All together Tiger has spent a total of 623 weeks atop the world rankings.  Before you break out your calculators, that’s almost 12 years.  The fact that Tiger is not ranked #1 anymore is not the real issue here.  The real issue is that it is evident his game has taken a turn for the worse and noone is stepping up to provide the excitement and showmanship that he has given fans for all these years.  The sport is going to need a real boost as long as this downward spiral continues. 

We have seen signs of brilliance from Rory McIlroy, but Woods had already had 6 wins and a green jacket at 21 years old.  Young gun, Ryo Ishikawa had been tearing up the Japanese tour, but his performance in the PGA tour events have shown he has a lot to work on before he can be mentioned in the same sentence as Tiger Woods (besides this one).

I know Woods only fell to the #2 spot with German, Martin Kaymer at #3.  Who the hell is Martin Kaymer?  But in the inspirational words of Ricky Bobby, “If you ain’t first, your last.”  With the consistency that Westwood is playing, it may be difficult for Tiger to reclaim his reign at #1.  Phil is sitting at #4, but we all know any chance he gets at becoming #1, he will s**t down his leg on the 18th and shank his drive into the woods.  

Golf fans around the world can only hope and pray that Tiger gets his swing back with the ladies and on the course, so we have a reason to turn on golf on the weekends, other than to admire how good it looks on an HDTV.  The game has changed just as every other sport.  Fans like to see crushing drives and crazy trick shots from the bunkers and woods, which is why Woods and Mickelson are so entertaining to watch.  Maybe the PGA should become the first sport to legalize steroids and HGH. There is a rating booster!  Hey, I’m just sayin’ …

But thanks to Katherine Jenkins, a singer from the UK who I just happily introduced myself to, Tiger was caught on camera appearing to stare right at the singer’s ass. Not that I can blame him, but if I’m Tiger Woods and I wanted to repair my image, I would be doing my best to make sure I’m not caught getting my perv on.

Wei Under Par

When Jim Gray shared this news with the world, Pavin took exception and backed off his comments, thoroughly pissing off Jim Gray in the meantime.

Jim Gray reportedly went straight to Corey Pavin, in front of his wife, and told him he “was going down.”

Sounds a little gay, but whatever.

No word on whether or not Gray got that blowjob, but one thing is true: Corey Pavin picked Tiger Woods to play in the Ryder Cup.

Not that is really matters.  After all, Tiger usually sucks in the Ryder Cup anyway.  Being that his career is spiraling to the point where we forget when he was good, he might actually try this time.

Maybe Jennifer Thompson will give him a pull.  More on her in a bit…

A man in Irvine, California started a huge fire last Saturday with one swing of a golf club.

He asked for his name to be withheld, so we’ll call him “Larry.”  When “Larry” swung his club, he accidentally chipped a rock and that was all the spark that was needed to get that baby going.

Twelve acres of land in all were burnt to a crisp.  Eventually 150 firefighters responded to the fire.

“Usually, we’re able to close out the fire season in the winters here,” Orange County Fire Authority Captain Greg McKeown said, “but we haven’t been able to do that since 2006. That’s just how dry it is out there.”

You could say “Larry” was en fuego.

Elin Nordegren was a nanny.  A FUCKING NANNY.

Now she has $750 million.  There is no way anyone who is reading this has $750 million so none of us can even comprehend how stupid an amount of cash that really is.

Tiger, meet your lawyer.  He will teach you about a prenup.  Now, it may seem silly, but it may just save you some money in the future. 

When he was pounding those dirty DIRTY hingalingding hoes, did he really know how expensive that s**t really was?  No way he thought of that.  No. Way.

The only thing he got out of it was promised silence from her.

I think it’s funny as hell.  I don’t feel bad for the guy, nor do I feel good for her.  Again, I can not even comprehend what it’s like to live like these people.

But one thing my poor, dumb ass can comprehend, is that’s some expaaansive pussaaay. 

The new arrangement also prevents Tiger from bringing any single ladies around the kids.  If he likes it then he’s got a put a ring on it.  ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE MARRIAGE MEANS A DAMN THING TO THIS GUY? HA! 

He’ll find another hot-ass model/nanny, but this time, he’ll make sure she’s cool with the sex buffet.  I think he’ll find that finding another woman to spend his money and live in his house won’t be too hard.  Even if she does have to turn her head to a little, OK a LOT, of dirty porn sex.

Honestly, think of all the 21-year-old chicks that marry rich ass 91-year-old men.  Marrying a dude for his cash is nothing new.  Only I would think Tiger would be a better catch for a chick like that. 

At least you know his junk works.

To help us get a better idea of exactly what $750 million is, we asked Ted, the JOCKpost accountant, to give us some examples of exactly what that much money could buy.

The Child Cost Calculator will tell you how much it might cost to raise a child for 18 years.

According to this calculator, it would cost Elin Nordegren $411,214 to raise 1 child for 18 years. This means that with the recent settlement from the divorce Elin could raise 1,824 children but she only has to raise 2!

Hey Elin there are a lot of homeless starving neglected children in the world if you can spare some extravagance!

What does $750 million buy you?

340,911 Star Trek Captain Kirk Chairs
1666 Lamborghini Murcielago
161,290,322 Big Macs
At $3500/night, Elin could loosen up a bit and have hot sex with Zahia Dehar for 587 years!!

From a PR perspective, you don’t want to kill and torture dogs.  It’s just not something people forgive too easily.

Forbes has conducted their annual poll of The Most Disliked People In Sports and the results are out.

Michael Vick is still the #1 bad guy in sports.

The pollsters consisted of 1,100 people over age 13. According to Forbes, in no particular order, the most hated people in sports are:

• Tiger Woods
• Ben Roethlisberger
• Michael Vick
• Jerry Jones
• Mark McGwire
• Alex Rodriguez
• Al Davis
• Terrell Owens
• Gilbert Arenas

Seems like that list is pretty much dead-on.  Of the losers listed above, who do YOU hate the most?

I have always been a pretty damn good golfer, and my skin tone is definitely a bit darker than my dad’s? But that would mean he would have been hooking up with my mom when he was 7, I don’t think even a pimp like Tiger can pull that off.

And besides, I am actually pale as s**t and my golf game is dreadful.

This is a picture of the most recent banner that flew across Pebble Beach today, obviously in support of all the possible baby mama’s out there that are being linked back to Tiger.

It makes you wonder if Tiger will ever be able to actually get back to Golfing? Meaning we would probably stop covering Golf all together.

For example, when you read Jerry Rice was DQ’d from a golf tournament, what was the first thing that came to mind?

Did he test positive for steroids?

Did he get busted for raping some underage fan in the pro shop bath room?

Well fortunately for Jerry Rice, and all parents of young blooming daughters, he was disqualified for using a range finder which helps check yardage to the hole.

Since Rice is a newbie to professional golf, he was able to play it off as a rookie mistake, but after being in last place and then getting DQ’d, it kinda makes you think Rice’s days as a pro golfer could be over.

Of course, I also thought he would retire from football after getting traded from the f**king Raiders, so what the hell do I know?

You think to yourself: “If he wins this hole he gets to go to nationals and I’ve already qualified.”

What do you do? You kick his ass on that playoff hole and move on with your life.

After I heard this story I nearly fell out of my chair. In what other sport have you ever seen this? There is no excuse for this kind of blatant disregard for the competitive nature of any sport.

Grant Whybark hit his shot, roughly, 40 yards out of bounds off the tee so his friend and senior at the University of St. Francis, Seth Doran could win the playoff hole and make it to the nationals.

At first I thought to myself, “Wow, what a guy” and then I thought, “If I were Doran and my buddy told the press that he intentionally threw the match so that I could make it to nationals I would kick his ass.”

I have two major problems with this whole story: 1) NEVER throw a match, game, play, point. 2) If you ignore rule one, then at least make it look good and miss a putt and then afterwards keep your filthy mouth shut.

If I were the golf coach or a member of the nationals committee, if there is such a thing, I would throw Whybark out of nationals completely.

He has not only ruined the integrity of the game, but you have, in doing so, made himself look like a complete jackass.

Oh yeah, you also made Seth Doran look like a fool in public. Way to go buddy!

Ishikawa finished today’s major at The Crowns with a final round of 58. No, I didn’t accidently hit 5 instead of 6.

Dude shot 12-under with birdies on his first 9 of 11 holes to climb the field and win the tourney. He went into the final round six strokes back and finished winning by five!

Some pro golfers do not even shoot 12 under in four rounds, let alone one.

As a casual golfer I know i’m ready to throw a party anytime I get one birdie and this guy is out there putting and chipping in 12 of them. Ryo has already won six tournaments on the Japan tour previous to this one and is looking to add to his collection of extremely over-sized paychecks.

Today’s round breaks the old record of 59 set by David Duval in 1999.

While Duval shot his 59 on a par 72, Ishikawa’s was shot on a par 70 course. So Duval’s is still a little more impressive to me, but the fact that he is only 18 should be scaring the hell out of the old timers, including Tiger.

I’m not sure what his definition of “putting players off” is, but I have a strong feeling we’ll find out. 

You know what this means! If you have made plans to attend the 150th British open, get out your pad and pen and start coming up with the best one-liners you can.  You are not going to get kicked out.  It’s time to get creative!

No word on whether they would discourage airplane banners.

“Everybody gets a chance at the Open of correcting their behaviour – they are not just thrown out straight away. I don’t think there will be a negative reaction to Woods but I could be badly wrong.”

Yes, wrong he could be.  Badly.

The Mirror

Lorena Ochoa, who is the #1 ranked Golfer on the LPGA Tour, and the only woman besides Michelle Wie that I could pick out in a line-up (maybe), has decided to retire at the young age of 28.

Her reasoning for retiring is so she can spend more time with her husband, Andres Conesa, who is the CEO of the Mexican Airline AeroMexico – so needless to say he is doing pretty well. So well in fact, that the top woman athlete on the planet (Not my words) can quit her job to go home and do nothing – except maybe assist with taking care of her newly acquired step children.

Does this sound like a raw deal to anyone else?

Either Ochoa is just another lazy bitch that doesn’t feel like working anymore, or her husband has her so cock-whipped  that she thinks spending time with kids that aren’t even hers is a good idea. He must have taken her V Card or something.

But if this is the kind of life that she wants for herself, then good for her. She has made enough money that if she doesn’t feel like working anymore, then more power to her.

But if I hear one mention of her early retirement being compared to the likes of Barry Sanders or Jim Brown, I might have to strangle someone.

His official legacy has many chapters yet to be written. My guess is that by the end of his career he will still go in the books as the greatest golfer of all-time (and one of the most beloved).

However, after watching The Masters and more notably the post-Masters media coverage, it seems like all of a sudden the cliché thing to do is make Tiger the bad guy and pit him versus the new good guy, Phil Mickelson.

Here is your typical mainstream media perception after just a few days:

Tiger is bad. Phil is good.
Tiger bangs lots of women. Phil is the perfect husband and father.
Tiger sometimes swears in frustration. Phil always has a jolly smile on his face (even when puking away a major).
Tiger is a no longer a role model. Phil is the ideal role model.
Tiger loves sex in sick, addicted way. Other than for procreation, Phil is celibate. (I hope this isn’t true)

Ok, maybe I made that last one up. Regardless, the media is going over the top with their treatment of Tiger. I’m just going to say what no one else wants to admit: Tiger Woods is getting a raw deal.

Yeah, I said it. The adulterous sex-addict that is Tiger Woods is getting a raw deal. Sexting and all.

Was Tiger unfaithful to his wife? Sure. Do we all now know that he loves sex and apparently has had multiple partners over the last few years? Yes. Does this give any one of us the right to demand answers from Tiger? Absolutely not.

Love him or hate him, nothing Tiger Woods has done gives anyone the right to pry into his private life. The only person I can think of that should want answers is Elin. As for the rest of us, we are entitled to nothing.

Ask yourself, does anyone have the right to demand answers about your private life?

One of the best things about living in a free, capitalist society is the inherent right to privacy. Nothing, including celebrity status, takes this away. The media forgets this all too often and mainstream society falls right in line. It becomes the norm to believe that we are entitled to answers from everyone.

Shortly after the conclusion of the 2010 Masters, renowned sports author John Feinstein made one of his frequent appearances on the Jim Rome show and most of the talk was about Tiger and Phil.

John, a perceived expert on golf, was allowed to babble on for what seemed like an eternity. For anyone familiar with the Jim Rome show, Jim isn’t a big fan of anyone having the mic other than him, so this was even more disturbing when most of what Feinstein had to say was critical of Tiger.

Unfortunately for us, we can’t listen to the interview because Jim Rome lives in the dark ages and charges for this content on his website. (For this and many other reasons, I prefer The Dan Patrick Show)

Considering the exponential amount Tiger has increased golf’s popularity, the fact that Feinstein had anything judgmental to say about Tiger disappointed me greatly.

Then, one of the voices of the sport, Jim Nantz, took a pretty vocal stance against Tiger, comparing himself to Tiger in the sense that he would be fired for “taking the Lord’s name in vain.”

How Jim Nantz thinks this is a fair or meaningful comparison is beyond me. Jim facetiously asked something to the extent of “what about the father and son standing on the tee” in reference to Tiger’s swearing.

What about them, Jim? Are you inferring that Tiger should be more of a role model to that boy than his father? Or maybe you think that they boy would never hear “bad” language for the rest of his life.

The truth is that athletes are not required to be role models. Sure, some athletes are great examples of a decent human being, but that doesn’t take away from the role of the parent. If you are looking for a role model for your kid, start at home.

It was not very long ago that Bill Clinton was being grilled for the all too well known Lewinsky Sex Scandal. The President of the United States actually managed to piss off enough people to get himself impeached, yet today is widely considered one of the highest rated Presidents ever.

That is a serious indictment on people’s willingness to forgive and forget. My prediction is that it won’t be long before this Tiger vs Phil bulls**t is kicked to the curb and the media is back to riding on Tiger’s nuts.