Ben Roethlisberger’s Official Statement/Apology/Non-Apology Rings Hollow

If you haven’t read what Ben Rapelisberger’s lawyers wrote yet here it is:

“The commissioner’s decision to suspend me speaks clearly that more is expected of me. I am accountable for the consequences of my actions. Though I have committed no crime, I regret that I have fallen short of the values instilled in me by my family. I will not appeal the suspension and will comply with what is asked of me — and more.

“Missing games will be devastating for me. I am sorry to let down my teammates and the entire Steelers fan base. I am disappointed that I have reached this point and will not put myself in this situation again.

“I appreciate the opportunities that I have been given in my life and will make the necessary improvements.”

Let’s break this f**ker down, translation-style.

What his lawyers wrote: “The commissioner’s decision to suspend me speaks clearly that more is expected of me.”

What he actually means: Like, for example, I have to give up the gloriousness that is getting marginally attractive 19-year-olds so sloshed that they’ll actually let me f**k them. After all, I am one big, fat, ugly son of a bitch.

What his lawyers wrote: “I am accountable for the consequences of my actions.”

What he actually means: “This is bulls**t and you all know it.”

What his lawyers wrote: “Though I have committed no crime, I regret that I have fallen short of the values instilled in me by my family.”

What he actually means: “You have no idea what you all are doing to me.  How in the hell am I supposed to get laid now?  I’m telling you man, these bitches are liars.”

What his lawyers wrote: “I will not appeal the suspension and will comply with what is asked of me — and more.”

What he actually means: “The last thing I need is more scrutiny.  If I wasn’t filthy rich, my fat ass would be rotting in jail right now.”

What his lawyers wrote: “Missing games will be devastating for me.”

What he actually means: “I really really hope Dixon sucks up the place. Dan is reeeeaaally pissed at me right now.”

What his lawyers wrote: “I am sorry to let down my teammates and the entire Steelers fan base.”

What he actually means: “I’m an embarassment to everyone who cheers for me.”

What his lawyers wrote: “I am disappointed that I have reached this point and will not put myself in this situation again.”

What he actually means: “I really thought that when I got drafted and became a millionaire I wouldn’t have to trick bitches to sneak a f**k in.  I guess I was wrong.”

What his lawyers wrote: “I appreciate the opportunities that I have been given in my life and will make the necessary improvements.”

What he actually means: “Have you seen my face?  I mean, really — post-accident?  I might as well chop my dick off right now.”

Let’s cut the bulls**t, can we?  Ben, you’re a f**king slimeball.  I suppose you’re going to go to a sex addiction clinic now, right?  Get some treatment?  Become a sympathetic figure and go back to doing what you do best?

Ultimately, here’s what I learned from all this:  The Steelers organization has got its priorities all f**ked up.

Pumping copious amounts of hard liquor into underage girls’ stomachs is OK.  Let’s just say the whole rape thing was a big, silly misunderstanding.

Smoking a little herbages will get your ass traded to the first team that ponies up a 5th rounder.