The future Hall of Fame wannabe held a press conference today to announce his signing. And for someone who has lived in the US of A for at least 22 years, and who has proven he is MORE than capable of speaking English, he sure took the bitch way out. I guess it was just, “Manny being Manny”.

But not as big a bitch move as his now bench coach, Joey Cora. How Cora agreed to be Ramirez’s first translator in EIGHTEEN years in the Show is beyond me.   I know one thing-if Atom asked me to translate for him at Comic-Con, I would tell him to go pound salt. Cora knows goddamn well that Ramirez speaks English just fine.

I guess not everyone in the Sox organization can be as forthright as skipper Ozzie Guillen. The manager gave us yet another reason to respect him tonight. He said he didn’t like Ramirez’s tone when the slugger claimed he was ready to be used accordingly.

Unfortunately the same can’t be said for Cora, who is nothing more than an enabler to Manny’s ways. I hate this organization: its players, its owner, even its #1 fan. But I’ve respected them lately because of the no nonsense attitude of Ozzie and GM Kenny Williams. Hopefully, they won’t let Cora’s pussitude get to them, and they put Man-Rammer in his place when he refuses to cut his dirt-locks.

Peter Robert Casey

Al-Farouq Aminu (Los Angeles Clippers): $1.00  Reasonable
Avery Bradley (Boston Celtics): $1.00 Sane
Cole Aldrich (Oklahoma City Thunder): Free His actual answer was “3 cans of Skoal”, but it was paraphrased to not humiliate him.
Craig Brackins (New Orleans Hornets): $5.00  Keep dreamin’ kid
Daniel Orton (Orlando Magic): $13.00  Speaking of dreams, isn’t his life one big dream? Doesn’t play in college, gets drafted to not play in the NBA and cash huge paychecks. Why couldn’t I be 6’ 11”? Thanks a lot mom.
DeMarcus Cousins (New Jersey Nets): Free Flake
Derrick Favors (New Jersey Nets): $1.00 – $2.00 Fair
Devin Ebanks (Los Angeles Lakers): $1.00 Sane.
Dexter Pittman (Miami Heat): $5.00 Not your weight Dex.
Dominique Jones (Dallas Mavericks): .10 Is this even a man? That would plain the “Price is Right” Big Wheel guess.
Ed Davis (Toronto Raptors): $20.00 Soooo I guess his card value predictions won’t live up to the hype either?
Ekpe Udoh (Golden State Warriors): Free You should be paying me for this thing Ekpe.  
Elliot Williams (Portland Trail Blazers): $1,000,000.00 Typical Duke. Overestimating how good he really is.
Evan Turner (Philadelphia 76ers): $10.00 Agreed.
Gani Lawal (Phoenix Suns): $5.00 – $10.00 Ehh.
Gordon Hayward (Utah Jazz): $20.00 Like The Worm said “you’re only here because you’re white.” Slow your roll son. 
Greg Monroe (Detroit Pistons): $75.00 – $100.00 Dislike.
Hassan Whiteside (Sacramento Kings): $2.00 Sure, why not?
James Anderson (San Antonio Spurs): $25.00  Shoot for the moon, James. Even if you fail you’ll land amongst the stars.
Jeremy Lin (Golden State Warriors): Free  Dead nuts.
Lance Stephenson (Indiana Pacers): $20.00 Maybe if it was the WBA-Women Beating Association. I wouldn’t piss on this turd OR his card if they were on fire.
Larry Sanders (Milwaukee Bucks): Free I had to Google him to make sure it wasn’t Gerry Shandling’s painful TV character. Free was probably the way to go.
Lazar Hayward (Minnesota Timberwolves): $5.00 Who?
Luke Harangody (Boston Celtics): $2.00 He meant $20, but his eyes are so close he can’t see that many digits.  
Patrick Patterson (Houston Rockets): $20.00 He could be right.
Quincy Pondexter (New Orleans Hornets): $100,000,000.00 Funny
Tiny Gallon (Milwaukee Bucks): $1.50 – $2.00 I can’t hate on a 300 lb dude nicknamed Tiny.
Trevor Booker (Washington Wizards): “$50M. Actually, I have no clue.” Way to be original-were you behind Pondexter in line?
Wesley Johnson (Minnesota Timberwolves): $5.00 Boring, just like his game.
Xavier Henry (Memphis Grizzlies): $13.00 Where did he come up with 13?

Does he really think that Jordan and Jerry Reinsdorf even tolerated one another, let alone cared about each other? I mean, what the fuck?! I know he’s never had a job in his life, but he couldn’t have thought the real world was like “The Office”, could he? Dan Gilbert as Michael Scott?

He also goes on to say that he wouldn’t rule out a return to Cleveland. Excuse me? This dude is in the twilight zone. Did he see all the people burning clothes with HIS name on it? Cleveland is a very familial culture, and its citizens have long memories and loyal hearts. I don’t think he will be welcomed in Cleveland any time soon.

Oh, this was after repeating his assertion that he “spoiled” Cleveland fans with his play (hahaha, this one gets me every time!). AND after saying that he never even really liked Cleveland, because as a child, de Cweveland kids was mean to him. BOO HOO. When I was in high school, I fucking hated Poland Seminary High School because those rich pricks DOMINATED us in every sport. But I can tell you this much-should they ever come-a-calling, offering to put my likeness on a massive billboard while showering me with TENS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, you bet your sweet knees I’ll love ‘em. Love the shit right out of them.

One thing I do like about the new South Beach ‘Bron-he’s starting to talk more like his puppet and referring to himself in the 3^rd person.  We see how it worked for the Jimmy.

He also further hurt “The Commissioners”, the 2-time defending champ of my fantasy football league.

You see, we play with rookie keepers, meaning if you draft a rookie, you get to keep him for life. My team already blows goats, only having 3 (now 2) of a possible 4 preseason spots filled. The reason it blows is because those spots are filled by Aaron Rodgers (good) and Darren McFadden (blows goats).

Now I’m down another man.

But the Commission has always been a scrappy bunch, and we’ll find a way to rebound. This next title will be for you, puss-bag. Thanks a lot asshole. I hope Christ pays as well as the NFL.

Inducting Scottie Pippen? Who else but His Airness, Michael Jordan. I personally love Pippen and think he is one of the all time greats. But he is a divisive player, and he has the world’s biggest asshole introducing him tonight. And in honor of the scorched earth speech given at Jordan’s induction last year, I’ve decided to come up with what I’m assuming #23 will say tonight.

Good evening everyone. First I’d like to thank everyone for coming here to listen to me again; always appreciated.And of course to hear me induct my good friend and teammate, Scottie Pippen, into the Hall of Fame. Not bad for being the 2^ndbest player on your own team Pip. Just like that time in Vegas, remember Scottie? When we picked up those two fiiiiine honeys, but you had a migraine? So I had to bang ‘em both out. Oh, that dunk over Ewing? Yeah, I told Pip that gorilla had been mouthing off about his old lady all game, so you’re welcome for that too, world. . Ohh, and hey Pip, remember when you lost $120 million ? You noticed I never did that. You know what else I never did? I never let the fucking ROCKETS win a title, let alone two. I fucking KNEW I shouldn’t have retired! To think, you actually thought you would get in the Hall before me. The only thing you’re going to do before me is die, because compared to me, you will fail at everything, including life. 10 time All-Defensive Team. Not hard to do when you’re guarding Danny Ainge and your running mate is guarding Clyde Drexler. 6 rings though. Might as well induct Dennis Johns…..Fuck. Ladies and gentlemen, Scottie Pippen!!

Long story short, Chambers married his stalker. Short story long, after Chambers quit tappin’ it on the side, the woman went “Fatal Attraction” on him. She started showing up to events Chambers was attending with his family. He even filed a restraining order against her and she was arrested on 11 stalking charges. This happened as recently as December of 09!!! Not to be defeated though, the stalker stalked on, and won her stalkee’s (is this a word?) heart. Chambers made her an honest woman in late July in a truly magical Vegas ceremony.

On a positive note, this has totally reinforced my theory that stalking can absolutely work when applied to the proper subject. Yes gorgeous, I’m talking about you.

But hey, when you play pro sports in Cincinnati, no one thinks anything of you anyway, so why not say something stupid?

Brandon Phillips has been a dumbass since his days a Cleveland Indian. He’s always had talent. But he was traded for a tube of jock cream because of his bad attitude and repeated clashes with manager Eric Wedge. He has preformed well in a Reds uniform, and even behaved himself. Hell, he even gave our own JP14 a chub when he got his autograph.

But referring to the team that has won your division 7 of the past 9 years as “bitches” is immature at best. At worst its being, well, a huge bitch. And nothing says “bitch” like talking shit to your rival, then going 1-13 in the series while getting swept out of 1st place. At home. So yeah, there could be a rivalry developing in the NL Central, but no one told the St. Louis Cardinals that.

“You’re crazy McMahon!” you say. The Jewish folks haven’t had a legitimate American sports star to cheer for since “The Left Arm of God”, Sandy Koufax. But no longer.

The first major coup for Judaism came when freshly signed New York Knick forward Amar’e Stoudemire discovered that his mother was Jewish. How he didn’t know before now escapes reason. But it would seem that Stoudemire has been searching for something, as he has dived headfirst into the faith.

He immediately scheduled a trip to the Holy Land, and has been spotted rocking a yarmulke and some Hebrew ink!!

Talk about not fucking around!

Next up, was the Prince, LeBron James. He was spotted (and by “spotted” I mean he released a photo to TMZ) holding hands with celebrity rabbi Yishayahu Yosef Pinto.

The man only speaks Hebrew, which explains the Prince’s puzzled look- “I paid this mafaka $100k to speak gibberish to me?!?” No Prince, that’s the Yiddish. And yes, he did fork over 6 figures to a rabbi. Maybe if you weren’t such an ass leaving Cleveland, you could have got a priest to pray with, heyoooo!!!! They’re only jokes, folks.

These two major signings, coupled with the Jews renowned love a certain birthmark-rocking Super Bowl MVP winning QB, could bring about a new age in sports. Instead of every athlete thanking God after every small victory, maybe we will see athletes thanking, whoever it is Jewish folks pray too. Mazel tov, Judaism!!

When Coach Wolford found out about the Missouri Valley Football Conference’s thoughts on his team, he had this to say :

“It’s disrespect. In some parts of this world we live in, you disrespect someone, you may lose your life, right or wrong. And I don’t handle disrespect very well and I’m sure my players wont either. That’s why we’ve got a job to do.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself, Coach.

As a fellow Youngstonian, I’m pickin’ up what you’re layin’ down. We’ve had it with being kicked around. And being selected to finish 7th in your conference with 2 all-conny preseason players is being kicked around. It’s the lowest preseason ranking for the Penguins since they joined the MVFC in 1997.

Since Coach Tressel left for Ohio State in 2000, the once vaunted program has fallen on hard times, relatively. But Coach Wolford has obviously had enough of that. Could a return to the glory days of the 90s be on the horizon? I don’t think anyone is expecting 6 national title appearances in 10 years (with 4 wins), but making the playoffs should be assumed, not hoped for, in Youngstown.

Football is the lifeblood of the area, and you’d be hard-pressed to find more ravenous high school football fans than the Mahoning Valley. My high school stadium seats 10,000 for Christ’s sake! And Youngstown State was the birthplace of the penalty flag While we may not be known for much else, football is different. And I like Coach Wolford’s attitude-MAKE ‘em respect you! Let’s go ‘Guins!!

9/3 -@ Texas
9/10 – Syracuse at The Meadowlands
9/17 – Michigan
9/24 – Stanford
10/1 – @ Michigan State
10/8 – Purdue
10/15 – Miami (FL)
10/22 – @ Navy
10/29 – Pitt
11/5 – Boston College
11/12 – UConn
11/26 – @ USC

There were two sounds you just heard. The first was every Irish fan’s buttholes’ puckering up, and the second was the cackling from all the haters. The only opening in the schedule as of now is the week before the USC game. If new coach Brian Kelly makes it to 2016, this schedule is legacy-cementing difficult. Should he return the Fightin’ Irish to glory and dominate this schedule, this season will be written about for a long time. If he fails, it will just give the haters more ammunition, as well as a swift exit.

I don’t recall a time that a team willingly played a schedule like this, ever. One thing is apparent about it though. If the Irish continue to place emphasis on making money through huge television games as opposed to trying to play the BCS game, and national title will most likely continue to elude them.  

They could schedule cupcakes and still make BCS games with their exemption. But their efforts to play big time teams are laudable, and time will tell if Coach Kelly has what it takes to be included with the likes of Rockne, Devine, Parseghian, and Holtz. Wake up the echoes!

But here’s my suggestion to you, Miami Heat. Sign me, this guy, the writer. I will only cost a fraction of those other zombies, and I will bring the fun.

Don’t think so? Just check out this pic of me as the best man at a wedding.  That’s fun fucking defined. Nothing says “team chemistry” like a pan full of whipped cream to the face. Look at MLB-they do that shit all the time. Plus I’m a BIG fan of partying. I will take all “NBA-Road-Skank” gathering duties from Dwyane Wade and the Dirtbag Duo, and allow them to focus on crushing the league.

Since I won’t be drawing any minutes from my spot at the end of the bench, I will have plenty of ho scoutin’ time. I’ve also drawn up a handy contract that all skeezers MUST sign before they even get to look at my Three New Best Friends. See BELOW. And with the salary I’ll be drawing, I’ll make Brian Scalabrine look like the potato mashin’ bum that he dresses like. I excel at towel-waving, fist-bumping, and friend-making. My only drawback? I’m whiter than a nun’s undies, so I don’t do so well on the actual beach. Nothing a little (a lot) SPF can’t handle!!

So c’mon, whaddya say Coach Riles??! Give a guy a break. Fuck Spoelstra, they won’t listen to him anyway-I’m the straw that stirs the drink!!

——————

Contract to be in the presence of Dwayne Wade and The Dirtbag Duo(aka LeBron James and Chris Bosh)

I, (slut’s name goes here), hereby do agree that, in order to spend time with the above mentioned three (3) persons, I shall abide by the following regulations. Should I violate or deviate from any of the following regulations, I also consent to the punishments results.

1. I agree that, should I bang LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and/or Chris Bosh, I will not claim they “put it in my butt” after the fact, even if they did. Should such a ridiculous claim be made, I will allow Larry King to interview me, while referring to me only as “whore, slut, hussy, harlot, skank, skeezer, lot lizard, gutter snipe, etc.” It will be broadcast live, as if it’s the State of the Union. On all networks.
2. In the aforementioned event, prior to the live television extravaganza known as “The Exposition”, I will get a large, scarlet “a”, tattooed on my forehead. Mr. King will occasionally refer to my new mark.
3. Should one of the three, (Wade, James, and/or Bosh), decide to “leave one in me”, and I spawn a “love child”, I agree not to go public with the claim. I agree that it will be on my own dirty, whorish fault if I become pregnant. Should I go public with the revelation, I agree to forfeit my custody to the above mentioned player, and I will also make a donation to the charity of their choice.

 I agree to all above clauses, and any other that the above mentioned three (3) players can think of.

Slut’s Name _______________________________     

Date_______________________

The Cincinnati Bungals interest in TO is almost cliché. It’s too perfect. A match made in fuck-up heaven. A team renowned for their off-the-field problems interested in the ultimate distraction. A few years back, they made a concerted effort to change their image, but they appear to have re-entered the Eminem “Just Don’t Give a Fuck” zone again. Their roster activity has turned resident Clown Prince in Charge Chad Johnson into just another clown. Last year’s signing of the ever-wasted Cedric Benson was just the first in a series of mind-fuckingly crazy roster moves.

This past February, the Bungals signed free agent wide out Matt Jones. Yes, I’m talking about THAT Matt Jones-he of the arrest at gunpoint with 2 8 balls in his car. And yes, he of the 2^nd arrest for a failed drug test. Astoundingly, he is not even the worst behaved Jones on the team, and possibly not even the worst behaved at his position. Only in Cincinnati. 

In March of this year, the Bungals also signed perennial malcontent wide receiver Antonio Bryant. A man who loved drugs so much, he actually sued the NFL  to stop drug testing him. He will fit in nicely in the orange and black. Having previously been released by 2 teams because of clashes with the coaches, he should find little trouble in Cincy. Pillsbury Dough Boy head Coach Marvin Lewis takes shit from players better than anyone in the game. So for those of you tallying at home, just in the receiving corps, we have 2 drug-related suspensions, 2 drug related arrests, and 2 reality TV shows (assuming TO signs). This doesn’t include the team’s signing of returner/perpetual degenerate Pacman Jones. What could possibly go wrong??

Then we have the New York Jets expressing interest in the loud-mouthed receiver’s talents. And why not? They’ve signed a ton of other aging and troubled players so far. And imagine the trouble TO could cause in the bright lights big city ?!?! I’m getting giddy just thinking about it. The cameras of his TV show following him around the Big Apple as he tries to show off?? Or he and Antonio Cromartie cruising for tail together??  It’s almost too much. And adding him to an already asshol-ish duo of Braylon Edwards and the always pleasant Santonio Holmes is a recipe for a sideline free-for-all the likes of which the league hasn’t seen since coach Rex Ryan’s dad Buddy attacked Kevin Gilbride. No matter where the prima donna signs, one thing is certain-it’s time to getcha popcorn ready!!

I agree with him, like I do every time I hear N-A-T-E. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a door swing open, and before I can swivel, I get hit in the back of the head with something spongy.

I turn to pick up the greenest, fluffiest, stankest, stickiest, PHAT-ASS SACK OF CHRONIC I have ever seen in my life!!!!!

I start to twist up a fatty and remember to check the door, and who comes through it but Snoop D-O-double gizzzzEEEEEE, Snoop Doggy Dogg tha Doggfather!

Wrapped around him are two of the tallest drinks of water I have ever seen, one blonde; one brunette.

The blonde is none other than WWE’s Stacy Keibler. I swear, you could bounce a quarter to the moon off of her ass.

The brunette-the freshly minted official 2010 SUPERDRAFT Model. Looking like she does, her name is irrelevant.

As the two beauties take me by each hand and begin to pull me out the door they just came through, Snoop looks at me and says “Nate’s right baby!”

We head towards to the door when I notice Ashton Kutcher and his Nikon EHHH!!!! EHHHE!!!! EHHHH!!!! EHHHH!!! EHHHHH!!! FUUUUUUUCCCKKK!!!!!!

I roll over and hit snooze at 6:31 AM and realize that missing SUPERDRAFT again this year will ruin yet ANOTHER fantasy draft of mine. Fuck. My. Life.

============================================

Listen here. For all you mother father Chinese dentists that live in Las Vegas, Los Angeles, or even Milwaukee for that matter – if you like fantasy football (because let’s be real, real football is for nerds) – you need to come check out the hard on of fantasy football, SUPERDRAFT, which is held at the Palms Casino in Las Vegas Aug. 26-28.

Not only will you have the ultimate in fantasy football action – food and beverage specials, Wi-Fi availability, roaming fantasy football experts, athlete appearances and SUPERDRAFT models – but they will also have a special concert featuring Snoop Dogg. Ya know, so you can unwind after a long day of draft awesomeness.

I think we’re gonna have to put up a Stacy Keibler gallery soon.

While the Inferno increased its population by one last week, the good guys just picked themselves up a manger.

Former Cleveland Indians skipper Lou Brown (James Gammon in real life) passed away Friday after a battle with cancer. And just like the old days, it’s the underdog Coach Brown versus “the Boss” all over again.

Lured to the big leagues by GM Charlie Donavan, despite a lucrative dual career of managing the Toledo Mud Hens and selling tires, Coach Brown turned the Tribe from a rag tag bunch of rejects, has-beens, and never-weres into back to back American League champions. He brought back Jake Taylor from the barrio in Mexico, Ricky Vaughn from the California Penal League, and Willie “Mays” Hayes back from his delusions of power, to form a mini-dynasty (by Cleveland standards).

For a Tribe fan, beating the Yankees (whom we used to share a division with) felt great, even if only on film. Known for not taking shit from anyone, even the bitch owner, Brown melded together talent, experience, and a significant chip on the shoulder into a team Clevalanders could be proud of. With him now at the helm, the boys in white hats are “my kinda team, Charlie, my kinda team.”

In honor of Mr. Gammon’s passing, here we provide you with some of his more well-known quips. Thanks for the memories, Skip.

Lou Brown: I thought you said we didn’t have any high-priced talent.

Charlie Donovan: Forget about Dorn, he’s just high-priced.

Pepper Leach: Look at this fuckin’ guy (as Vaughn pulls up on a motorcycle)

Lou Brown: My kinda team, Charlie, my kinda team.

Pepper Leach: You want me to go get him? (After Vaughn walked the bases loaded then gave up a granny)

Lou Brown: No, keep him in. Let’s see how he reacts. (Vaughn hits the next batter)

Lou Brown: Interesting

Lou Brown: We’re outta towels, and I’m too old to go diving into lockers.

Lou Brown: I’ve had it with this nickel and dime stuff! I want that bitch on the phone!!

Lou Brown: Ok Vaughn. They say you’re a pitcher, you’re sure not much of a dresser. We wear caps and sleeves at this level, son.

Lou Brown: Well, you can run like Hayes, but you hit like shit. With your speed, you should be hitting the ball on the ground and be legging them out. Every time you hit a ball in the air, you owe me 20 push-ups.

Charlie Donovan: How would you like to manage the Indians this year?

Lou Brown: Gee, I dunno..

Charlie Donovan: What do you mean, you don’t know? This is your chance to manage in the big leagues.

Lou Brown: Let me get back to you, will ya Charlie? I got a guy on the other line askin’ about some white walls.

Roger Dorn: See, I’ve got it right here in my contract. It says “I don’t have to do any calisthenics that I don’t feel are necessary.” So what do you think of that?

Lou Brown: throws contract on the ground and pisses on it

Lou Brown: C’mon Dorn, get in front of the damn ball! Don’t give me this ole’ bullshit!

Roger Dorn: Hey, I took one in the eye last year, I’m not about to lose my sight.

Lou Brown: I’m deeply moved. Every time you play one off your hips, you owe me 40 sit-ups.

Lou Brown: I love this shit and I may move to England!!

Lou Brown: BIG KNOCK, BABY!!! BIIIIGGG KNOOOOOOOCK!!!!!

Lou Brown: Alright people, we got 10 minutes til game time, let’s all gather ‘round. I’m not much for giving inspirational address, but I’d just like to point out that every newspaper in the country has picked us to finish last. The local press seems to think that we’d save everyone the time and trouble if we just went out and shot ourselves. Me, I’m for wasting sportswriters time. So I figured we ought to hang around for a while and see if can give ‘em all a nice big shitburger to eat!!

]]> http://jockpost.com/manager-lou-brown-passes-led-tribe-1st-playoff-berth-40-years/feed/ 1 http://jockpost.com/george-steinbrenner-new-team-new-hades-yankees/ http://jockpost.com/george-steinbrenner-new-team-new-hades-yankees/#comments Thu, 15 Jul 2010 02:50:52 +0000 MC McMahon http://jockpost.com/?p=7547 “The Boss” passed away on Tuesday, at the age of 80, from a heart attack suffered in his Tampa home. Steinbrenner’s obsessive desire to win at all costs is legendary, and I have no doubt that he has already purchased the best team money can buy in hell. Given his “persuasive” nature, he surely found a [...]]]>

“The Boss” passed away on Tuesday, at the age of 80, from a heart attack suffered in his Tampa home.

Steinbrenner’s obsessive desire to win at all costs is legendary, and I have no doubt that he has already purchased the best team money can buy in hell. Given his “persuasive” nature, he surely found a way to fuck the eyes out of the Devil in this deal, too.

The criteria: the player needs to have been a legendary asshole and he must be dead.

To paraphrase The Righteous Brothers – if there’s a baseball hell, you know they’ve got a bitch of a team. So without further ado, I present to you, George Steinbrenner’s New Hades Yankees aka The All-Star Team From Hell.

Outfield: the Rock Star of the team, Detroit’s Ty Cobb! EASILY the most downright, out-and-out son of a bitch in the lineup, Cobb’s venom is legendary. He blamed his ferocity on the fact that his mother murdered his father, but down here that shit doesn’t matter.

Allegedly forced into retirement because of gambling accusations, “The Georgia Peach” is the supernova of the team, and also its meanest motherfucker.

Cobb’s life consisted of two things at which he excelled: baseball and violence. He hit .320+ in 23 of his 24 seasons, and also fist-fought a fan in a wheelchair during a game. His career average of .367 is the highest ever, and he once drove to Princeton to beat his son with a whip for failing out of school.

Cobb stole home a record 54 times, and he also slapped a black elevator operator for being “uppity”, and then stabbed the man’s friend when he intervened. A notorious cheapskate, Cobb was a rich man due to his relationship with the Coca-Cola Company.

He also was accused of sharpening his spikes so he would cut his opponents during his slides into bases. The greatest testament to his attitude is evident in a song released 35 years after his death. Soundgarden’s relentless, driving jam “Ty Cobb” contains the chorus “Hard-headed, fuck you all!” repeated over and over again. If Cobb were playing today, I can rest assured this would be his intro music.

Outfield: Kirby Puckett, Minnesota Twins. “Puck” ruined an otherwise stellar reputation after his forced retirement from the game due to glaucoma in his right eye.

The loveable Hall of Famer, it turns out, had a penchant for misogyny. His wife divorced him after his retirement, claiming that he had threatened to kill her. “They” even told a story about her locking herself in the bedroom, and Puck breaking the door down, “Shining”-style.

Puckett was also a renowned womanizer, with hoes in many different area codes. But the coup de gras came in a  Minnesota restaurant in 2002. The career .318 hitter was accused of holding a woman against her will in a bathroom, and squeezing her boob hard enough to bruise it. Anyone who has ever had a titty-twister knows that shit hurts like a bastard.

The devil got his due in 06, when Puckett succumbed to a stroke, and on March 6th, he became the 2nd youngest Hall of Fame inductee to die, behind good guy Lou Gehrig.

Outfield: Joe “Ducky” Medwick St. Louis Cardinals/Brooklyn Dodgers. A real class-act, he was such an asshole that he got himself ejected during Game 7 of the 1934 World Series for starting a fight.

The Cardinals Hall of Famer slid into third spikes-a-blazing, and the Tigers third baseman did not approve and started firing back. Neither player was ejected at that point, but in the next inning when the Tiger fans began bombing ole Ducky with garbage and bottles.

He had no qualms about fighting his teammates either. He brawled with a pitcher once that had the nerve to call him out for lack of hustle, and even flattened his catcher for walking in front of him too many times while getting his picture taken.

Ducky, who preferred the self-anointed title of “Muscles”, was such a prick, that one of his former teammates is quoted as saying “When he dies, half of the National League will go just to make sure the son of a bitch is dead.” Medwick was elected to the Hall of Fame in 1968, after retiring with a lifetime .324 average.

First Base: Chick Gandil, Chicago Black Sox. Yes, THOSE Black Sox. Not only did this dickhead PLAY for those Black Sox, but he was the ringleader of the 1919 scandal which gave us the magnificent film “Eight Men Out”.

He was referred to by fellow conspirator Eddie Cicotte as “The Master of Ceremonies” for his pivotal role in the scandal. If that isn’t enough reason for this skidmark to burn in Hell, he was also quite the bastard in general.

During the infamous 1919 season, he was suspended for 5 games for knocking out a home plate umpire while arguing balls and strikes. He was also arrested in 1909 for stealing $225 from the OUTLAW LEAGUE team he was playing on.

Even other criminals hated this asshole! Needless to say, Gandil was never, and never will be, enshrined in any Hall of Fame. Unless they open a Dick Hall of Fame. Then he will surely be in the charter class.

Second Base: Billy Martin, New York Yankees. WELL known as a drunken, loud-mouthed, obnoxious, hell-raising son of a bitch. His behavior was so bad in New York, he was traded to Kansas City because it was feared that he was a bad influence on Mickey Mantle-no stranger to booze and ladies himself.

On his 29th birthday, celebrating with Yogi Berra and the Mick, Martin instigated a brawl at the famous Copacabana Night Club.

While a member of the Reds, the 1953 World Series MVP threw his bat at pitcher Jim Brewer, who had just hit him. When handing the bat back, Martin drilled him in the eye, breaking his cheekbone and keeping Brewer hospitalized for two months.

His only season managing the Twins came to end because he threw down with one of his pitchers in an alley. The sheer volume of fights this looney-toon engaged in would make the Broad Street Bullies proud. The 2nd time he was fired from the Yankees (the 2nd of 5) for fighting a marshmallow salesman in a hotel. A fucking marshmallow salesman.

The former All-Star also had his arm broken fighting one of his own Yankee pitchers in 1985. Yankee great Thurman Munson once said about him “If he ever looks mad at you, go ahead and hit him before he sucker punches you.” His Wikipedia page reads like a boxer’s more so than a baseball player’s. The bastard has not one but TWO sections titled “Altercations”.

Third base: Ken Caminiti, Houston Astros/San Diego Padres. He’s the role player on the squad. Unlike the bitch-ass Miami Heat, we here at JP don’t want to load our team up too much. Like Yankee skip Joe Girardi once said about the Pinstripes, “You need dirtbags too.” And here is one.

An admitted steroid abuser, the 1996 National League MVP makes the team based on his substance abuse problems, and his obvious lack of moral fiber. A lifetime .272 hitter, in 1996, steroids served him well.  He hit .326 with 40 dongs and 130 RBIs.

He would never sniff these numbers again. He would go on to sniff other things though. Mainly huge piles of cocaine. When he was found dead in a New York City hotel room in 2004, the autopsy revealed he died of an overdose of cocaine and opiates. HEYYYOOOO!!

Shortstop- Mike “King” Kelly, Chicago White Stockings/Boston Beaneaters. No, I did not make those names up. We have to jump in the wayback machine to get some dirt on the King.

Kelly was inducted into the Hall of Fame in 1945. The 2-time batting champ is credited with inventing the hook slide, the hit-and-run, and the catcher backing up 1st base.

A jack of all trades, Kelly played every position, and most of them while drunk. He supposedly once caught a fly ball on the run with a mug of the good stuff in his hand, never spilling a drop.

His Hall of Fame manager once sent a detective on his trail, and the gumshoe reported that he spied Kelly drinking lemonade at 3 am in a saloon. Enraged, Kelly replied “It was straight whiskey! I never drank lemonade at that hour in my life!!”

Kelly was considered an infamous, if not clever, cheater. He routinely tried to skip bases, and was the originator of bush league tactics employed by current star Alex Rodriguez.

When two opposing players were both running for a fly ball, he would shout out one of their names. Once retired, he owned a semi-successful bar, but he drank up all of the profits. He died of pneumonia nearly broke at the age of 36.

Catcher-Marty Bergen, Boston Beaneaters. Described by Hall of Famer Jesse Burkett as “the best catcher the world ever produced.” Obviously Burkett was drinking the Kool-Aid Bergen was making. Because this dude was seriously, off-his rocker, insane. His career only lasted four years, and we’ll get to why in a sec.

He slapped teammate Vic Willis in the face during breakfast one day, with no explanation, and that seemed to start the downward spiral. After the loss of his son in 1899, he really went off the deep end.

Instead of catching pitches, he would become preoccupied with avoiding imaginary knife thrusts from would-be assassins. His career ended in 1899 due to his erratic behavior.

In 1900, he murdered his wife and two children with an axe, and then he sliced his own neck so severely with a straight razor that he nearly decapitated himself. Rest in piss, you crazy bastard.

Pitchers- Bugs Raymond, Detroit Tigers/ St. Louis Cardinals/NY Giants and Steve Howe, LA Dodgers/New York Yankees. These two LOVED themselves some substances. Hall of Famer Christy Mathewson once said of Raymond, “After a night out, don’t get too close to Raymond. His breath could stop a freight train.”

He was such a pleasant cork-sucker that one of his friends beat him to death in a hotel room during an argument. When told of his former player’s death, skip John McGraw, a well-regarded asshole in his right, replied, “that man took 7 years off my life.”

Steve Howe was also a big fan of the drink, but his poison of choice was that Colombian bam-bam. He chose it so much in fact, that he was suspended 7 times for use of it.

In 1993 he became only the 2nd player to receive a lifetime ban for substance abuse, although it was subsequently lifted. When he rolled his pickup truck and died in 2006, he was high on crank.

Both pitchers showed glimmers of talent, as Howe was RoY and Raymond posted a 2.03 ERA in 1908. But neither had any self control, and preferred the life of a pig than that of a successful professional athlete. Karma. Is. A. Bitch.

So there you have it, 2010 New Hades Yankees!! Managed by none other than legendary hard ass John McGraw. And for those of you who question why the New Hades Yanks are owned by Steinbrenner?

Well, he ruined the game of baseball for everyone who isn’t a dick-sucking Skankees fan. And he wasn’t that nice of a human being either.

Illegal campaign contributions to another colostomy bag, Richard Nixon, resulted in a felony conviction for “the Boss”.

And when Dave Winfield sued him for reneging on a contract section that obligated the Yanks to donate $300k to Winfield’s charity, what did the Boss do? He hired a degenerate gambler to dig up dirt on Winfield, one of the game’s good guys. So sleep well, Steinbrenner. This is all just bitterness that you didn’t buy my Tribe in 1971.

Special thanks to The Dead Ball Era!

All of its regularly produced beverages are named in honor of some piece of Ohio history. From celebrating the Cuyahoga River burning from the pollution in it (Burning River Pale Ale) to Edmund Fitzgerald Porter (famous shipwreck in Lake Erie, and a rockingly awesome Gordon Lightfoot song) and Holy Moses White Ale (named after city founder Moses Cleveland), Great Lakes reps their hood with a pride not normally associated with Cleveland.

On Tuesday, they kept that streak alive by announcing there would be a special beer available exclusively at the brewery on Market Street in Cleveland, across the street from high school football powerhouse St. Ignatius.

From Wednesday July 14^th at 4:00 PM until Saturday July 17^th(or while supplies last), Cavs fans can wash away the rotten taste of “the Prince” leaving with “Quitness” India Pale Ale. It is a cask-conditioned, dry-hopped India Pale Ale, that the brewery says is “sure to be as bitter as the mood of Cleveland these days!”

Well done, brewers. I always knew there was a reason I love alcohol so much. Because it never leaves you. My only regret is that I don’t live close enough to enjoy this new delight from a World Champion that won’t leave Cleveland. Kiss my dick, Princess!!

The chances are that you have never heard of this man, but he has undoubtedly touched your lives. And probably in a more meaningful way than your girlfriend.

We owe a lot to Mr. Harry M. Stevens. And I don’t just mean for the park in his honor back home where all the stoners go to get their blaze on. Every time you step into the ballpark, there’s the ghost of Harry, improving your game experience.

To me, nothing says a day at the ball field like a delicious Sugardale hot dog smothered in ketchup and Cleveland’s famous “Ball Park Mustard.”

For this delicious, fat-filled treat, we have none other than Mr. Stevens to thank. He is the man responsible for bringing this mystery meat tube wrapped in a bun to the ball park.

He is also credited with switching the standard stadium fare from ice cream and lemonade to the cuisine we are accustomed to today: hot dogs, peanuts, and sodas. Public drunkenness was apparently not cool in 1887, so no beers.

But wait! The “King of Concessions” had another idea up his sleeve. In his day, the scorecards had no place for players’ names, meaning fans had no way of knowing who was who on the field. Cue our boy.

Ever the entrepreneur, Harry designed his own scorecards and started selling them at whatever stadiums he had signed to concessions contracts.

The scorecard he invented is the same scorecard that is still in use to this day at every baseball game around the world. How Harry Stevens isn’t in the Baseball Hall of Fame defies logic.

He made the fan experience what it is today. Coming from a town that produced a President of the United States (William McKinley) and the inventor of the Heaton blast furnace, Harry stands head and shoulders above the rest in regards to contributions to society.

The jury awarded the NBA legend a $2 million settlement against two of his former attorneys in a case related to Pippen’s purchase of a $4 million Gulfstream jet in 2002. The greatest perimeter defender in league history proved to be quite the plaintiff in this case-get it?! Defender, plaintiff?! Haha.

Pippen’s tears were most likely met with screams of agony by the service industries of the Windy City.

He is said to have worked hard to achieve his nickname, “No Tippin’ Pippen”, throughout his years of making MILLIONS of dollars. He somehow even qualified for over $26k/year in farm subsidies from 1995-2002. You would think he could have at least given that to the poor wait staff he spent years boning out of their hard earned money.  Now, I didn’t grow up dirt poor in bum-fucked Arkansas, nor did I make upwards of $70 million in 16 years. I still leave 20%.

My own background leads me to have SLIGHT sympathy for the newest inductee into the Hall of Fame. My grandfather was a tightwad, my dad a cheapskate, and it’s a tradition I GLADLY continue.

My parent’s neighbor, a guy we lovingly refer to as Uncle Dennis, used to say about my father:  “He wouldn’t pay a nickel to watch the Pope take a shit in Times Square.” And he’s right-my old man wouldn’t. I loved Pip as a kid for the way he played the game, and that fucking  RUTHLESS dunk on the Missing Link.

But when it comes to screwing the people that serve you food, and having a $4 million air museum piece, my compassion runs thin. So do what you do best Pip, and MAN UP.

The model, who describing as curvy would do justice to neither her nor the word “curvy”, has said that if her native land, Paraguay, wins the World Cup, she will run naked through the streets with the colors of Paraguay painted on her body. She also said that she hopes to replace her cell phone (see below) with the Cup.

WHEW! Cold shower time…

FOR MORE PICTURES CLICK ON THE ‘NEXT’ BUTTON UNDERNEATH THE PICTURE BELOW

EHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-wrong FIFA!! The goddamn games are still broadcast all over the fucking WORLD!! Live, and in color!! Just because your fans are predominantly ignorant, Third World, poor people doesn’t mean you have to treat them as such, does it?

From FIFA’s standpoint, though, they have no reason to treat their fans with anything resembling respect. Their fans are NOTORIOUS for their violent nature. Googling “football violence” will yield you almost 12 MILLION hits. The Wikipedia page for hooliganism is nearly as long as the entry for World War 2.  These degenerates aren’t even allowed to ATTEND games in some places in Europe.

But maybe the Steel Curtain FIFA has some burden to carry for all of this sociopathic behavior from their fans. I must admit-if I was used to most games ending with no loser, I too might go berserk if my dear squad were to suffer defeat. And maybe my lunacy would extend to gross acts of ultra-violence and aberrant behavior. Were FIFA to institute a policy of replay on close goals and allowing the competition to end in a winner/loser dichotomy (for you soccer fans), there would undoubtedly be violence. But after a few hundred instances, they will get the point. Give your sweet, deprived fans what they deserve FIFA-the TRUTH!!