Sure, it’s been done a trillion times, but f**k you Internet. This is my list.

Tom Chambers vs Gravity

Mitch Richmond described it best when he said he was already high when he hit Mark Jackson, and he just went higher. Mama there go that man!!

Shawn Kemp vs Alton Lister

Shaq proceeded to immortalize this moment in his hit song,  Where Ya At . Or at least I was convinced that he said something that immortalized this as a kid, and I even lost a bet about the lyrics (around the 0:52 mark). It’s still not a very nice thing to do to someone.

Scottie Pippen vs New York

1. Pound one in Ewing’s grill. 2. Ask him how his Mom is. 3. Tell Spike Lee you KNOW how his mom is. 4. Collect your ring

The most symbolic dunk of all time.

Hakeem Olajuwon vs David Robinson

What’s greater than an Admiral? A Dream.  I had to include the Dream, who is rapidly becoming my favorite player of all time.

Vince Carter vs Some French Dude

I think this dunk was so crazy that the French announcers thought another revolution was happening. If you look closely, you can see Vin Baker being too drunk to even have a proper reaction to what is clearly the greatest dunk of all time.  

Michael Jordan vs the Future

Jumpman, motherf**kers.  

Every morning whenI wake up to go to work, I wish there were tennis rackets to smash the ever-loving f**k out of right next to my bed. My day would suck about 10% less if that were the case.

Down two sets and a break to Stanislaw Warinka, Baghdatis went on to win the 3^rd set, but lose in 4 sets. The outburst cost him 1250 bones, and I’m sure a tongue-lashing from his sponsor. It looks like it was worth every penny.

He did it on the Saints last offensive play of the game, a 9 yard TD pass to Darren Sproles while NOLA was already sporting a 30 point lead. This gave Brees the record with 5,087 yards, and a game left to go.

The Falcons players and staff felt disrespected by this “classless” move, as well they should. They were being disrespected, because they couldn’t stop a leaky faucet. Be better at your jobs, gentleman, and teams won’t try to set records on you.

When you’re paid to play defense and get mowed through like whiskey at my family Christmas, you can only point the finger at yourself.

But who really gives a s**t anyway? Tom Brady is only 180 yards behind Brees, and if you think the Patriots aren’t going to do everything in their power to break that record, you are just an asshole.

Yo Atlanta, you mad bro??

The geezer on the left is none other than Joe Kapp, the only football player to ever play quarterback in the Grey Cup (BC Lions), the Rose Bowl (Cal), and the Super Bowl (Minnesota). He was also the head coach at Cal during  “The Play” vs. Stanford.

The other young man in this brouhaha is Angelo Mosca, he of the Hamilton Tiger-Cats, and the infamous 51^st Grey Cup where he hit Kapp’s teammate out of bounds late.

Why these two were brought together 50 years later is irrelevant, but these old guys really know how to hold grudges.

That game sucked. Sure, there was some great defense played. But there was some “take-my-eyes” bad offense played too.

I’m not sure what’s more unbelievable – that both of these programs don’t give a s**t about quarterback play, or that they both are incapable of finding one to come to school there.

There were probably 25 NFL players on the field-and none on offense. These two teams were even outscored by the Blue Jackets hockey game that night. The offense was pitiful – just ask this guy…

 Like the saying goes – in college football, the regular season IS the playoffs, and the Tide had their shot, at home, and blew it. NEXT!

But all this talk is misleading.

For starters, the only thing that would be made “super” by adding Texas A&M to it would be an Earth-raping party, and I think those only happen in Texas, so they should just stay at home.  

Then there is Syracuse and Pitt to the ACC. The Syracuse football program is kryptonite to anyone pretending to be an elite football collective. And if Pitt EVER wants any kind of fan support, they need to change their colors.

But hey, they are creeping on that magic number of 16!! SUPERCONFERENCE WOOOOO!!!  WOOOOOO, SUPERCONFERENCE!!!!

 There are even suggestions that the independent-2 days-longer-than-forever University of Notre Dame should join the ACC, lest their exposure become eroded on the East Coast.

Here’s a better idea for the Golden Domers. Get on the phone with some of the presidents of a certain 11 other select institutions of higher learning, and pitch an idea of your own. Well, of my own. Don’t follow this poser crowd of sheep.  

The schools the Irish should contact –    Ohio State,  Michigan,  Texas ,  Nebraska , Oklahoma , Miami, (Fl.) , USC , Florida , Alabama , Florida State , and Penn State.

Notre Dame  should suggest to them that they join the independent crowd. And that they should call themselves the Independent Superconference. You only play your conference, every week, with 2 byes. This immediately eliminates the stupid BCS as well, because the conference IS the playoffs. And the winner can declare themselves the national champion, because they clearly will be, and tell the BCS to cram it up it’s cramhole. 

I’ve even gone through the trouble of creating a schedule for the first season (although it obviously needs some tweaking). Tell me the sight of THAT doesn’t make your dick twitch!!

This ought to get all of these sportswriter dickwads to stop throwing the word “superconference” around so lightly.

Here ya go:

Michigan State +5 @ Notre Dame: Top 15 team getting 5 from an 0-2 team. Granted, the most talented 0-2 team in the country, and a rival. But 5 turnovers in a game for the Irish is a fluke. 10 in a 2 games is a trend.  Sparty! (I gagged a little writing that, but money is money)

Oklahoma @ Florida State +5: Boomer Schooner was my go-to all season long, and they might be again this year, just not this week. Bob Stoops career numbers on the road against ranked non-conference opponents are BAD, something like 5-10 ATS, and we all know how they love to choke in big games. Were this in Norman, I would be all over Oklahoma like a carpetbagger, but alas. A top-5 team getting points at home is too much for me. I ride with Chief Osceola.

Wisconsin -17 @ Northern Illinois -  Wisconsin should go by the name “Honey Badgers”, because their offense is f**king relentless. Montee Ball has scored 20 tds in his last 7 games. Add in NC State transfer Russell Wilson at QB, and an offense that only had 11 turnovers ALL OF LAST SEASON gets even more efficient. Book it.

The remains were first seen whooping it up at the Cincinnati amusement park, Kings Island, shortly after McNair’s passing.

Then, last Sunday, during the Titans-Jaguars game, McNair’s bones were spotted tailgating outside the Jaguars stadium, named for whatever corporation paid the most money.

I expect this sort of coldness in a Bears-Packers/Steelers-Browns/Eagles-Giants game. But the Titans-Jags?

This is quite ruthless for a fanbase (and a team for that matter), that I have generally considered harmless since their inception. They wear teal, after all. It’s difficult to be bad-ass when you’re dressed in sea-foam.

These fans pulled it off though. I hadn’t even realized there was genuine dislike between these two franchise until now. Talk about announcing your presence with authority. Ridiculing the face of the franchise who was victim to a murder-suicide? Welcome to the Big Leagues of Hate,  Jacksonville.

To quote Herm Edwards – YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME!  I don’t care if Coach Kelly is lighting these clowns up AT ALL.  Sally a pass into a defenders arms in the end zone? FUCK YOU, PAY ME. Let a ball bounce off your head because you weren’t paying attention? FUCK YOU, PAY ME.

The place has gone soft, and they need someone to wake them up. Notre Dame has been a non-factor in college football for far too long, and it pisses me off just as much as it does Brian Kelly.  You think what he said to TJ Jones was foul? I almost got kicked out of a pig roast because of that play.

The father of one highly-touted recruit has even said he isn’t sure how he would feel if his son was yelled at. He should feel like a p***y. When I was in college, I spent my “free time” working 50 hour weeks in an aluminum mill. And guess what happened when I screwed up? Right-I got cussed out in front of everyone, and then I got my balls busted for the rest of the night by my co-workers.

If the worst thing that happens in TJ Jones’s life is that Brian Kelly told him to turn his f**king head around on national television, oh the places he’ll go.  And I bet he keeps his head up.

Professional basketball? Check

Volleyball? Confirmed

The Tour de France? Got it

Hockey? Here!

Notre Dame football? Accounted for

And now Major League Soccer: the crown jewel of suck-ass American sports.

Aside from Notre Dame, the pro football they have sucks too. By Sunday night, I am football-ed out, and if you want to guarantee I hate something, go ahead and include Bob Costas and Chris Collinsworth.  They have the biggest bunch of assholes this side of proctology school handling the NFL–Costas, Collinsworth, Peter King, Keith Olbermann.  Are they trying to keep this s**t a secret?! I feel like any second they are going to announce they’ve added Glen Beck as an analyst.

In NBC’s defense, they do have the Olympics. Every 4 years.  And Pro Football Talk, which I think is the best big NFL site out there.

They also acquired the Versus Network, which, depending on who you ask, either adds to or subtracts from their stable. If you ask this guy? Huge addition, with their non-f**king-stop fishing on Saturday mornings.  Maybe I’ll have a Pro Bass Talk to look forward to?

On the plus side, there is now no doubt about what to watch while napping.

To celebrate such ineptitude, and to give the Nats fans a break,  Duffy’s Irish Pubin DC is offering Pabst tallboys, and Miller and Bud beers for whatever Werth’s average is. To honor good ole-fashioned small-business ingenuity, we have decided to show  you each team’s most inept batter, along with the price a beer should run you at a nearby bar. Bottoms up!!

AMERICAN LEAGUE

EAST

Baltimore

A beer at Pickles Pub should fetch $2.19 courtesy of OF Felix Pie, making a cool $985k this season.

NYY

 Stan’s Sports Bar would offer up a brew for a mere $2.24, thanks to Yanks hero Jorge Posada, he of the sizzling average under his weight. $13 million well-spent.

Boston

McGreevy’s 3rd Base, with its claim of being 1,200 steps from Fenway, will be practically giving away Sam Adams for a paltry $2.19. Muchas gracias, JD Drew and your 14 million fazools.

Toronto

Whether you speak French or English, a Molson will only run you $2.15 at the Real Sports Bar(only in Canada)  due to catcher JP Arencibia. $425k

Tampa Bay

$1.93 beers on infielder Reid Brignac at Ferg’s Sports Bar & Grill!! At $425k this year, the first few rounds are on him.

Central

Cleveland

At  The Clevelander, you’ll be able to get a big frothy beer for a paltry $2.17, to the credit of utility infielder Jack Hanahan and his $500k salary.

Minnesota

Scrub 3b Danny Valencia and his $438k salary have “earned” fans at Darby’s Pub beers for $2.33.

ChicagoWhite Sox

Ahh, one of my personal favorites – DH Adam Dunn, he of the $12 million salary, is hitting a meager .163, basically giving fans at Juniors a 2-for-1 deal.

Detroit

It warms my heart to see veteran utilityman, and $5.5 million man, Brandon Inge, raking at a completely disrespectable .177. Probably still too rich for Tiger fans’ blood at Coaches Corner.

Kansas City

Kaufman Stadium is in the middle of nowhere, and the only bar near look’s to be RG’s, which would have the highest price cold one on our list, at $2. 57. SS Alicides Escobar is mildly earning his $428k.

West

Texas

Ian Kinsler is making $6 mil this year, and hitting .251. A main reason the Rangers are so good, that their worst hitter is at .250. So even though it’s not a great deal, I’m sure fans will still enjoy their time at Bikini Sports Bar.

Los Angeles Angels

Vernon Wells makes TWENTY-THREE FUCKING MILLION DOLLARS. To hit .223. At least the fans at Throwbacks won’t go broke downing beers every time Wells pops out to short.

Oakland

The Coliseum is in the hood – the closest bar being The Grand Oak Sports Bar; quite a cab ride from the stadium. But fans will sure enjoy $2.21 beers on Matsui’s  s**tty average and $4.25 million salary

Seattle

Seattle has more coffee shops than any city in the nation – so you could a $2.25 latte at Starbucks or a beer at The Central, Seattle’s oldest saloon, thanks to 1b Justin Smoak’s $430k.

  NATIONAL LEAGUE

East

Atlanta

Not only will you get killer ribs at the  Bullpen Rib House , but also $2.27 beers due to light-hitting SS Alex Gonzalez’s bat. Luckily he’s slick with the leather, otherwise $5 mil MIGHT be a bit steep.

Florida

The titties aren’t the only things to get excited about at Tootsie’s Cabaret! $2.24 cold ones!!! Yayyyyy, John Buck!! He’s got $4.5 mil to rain on those ladies

New YorkMets

So McFadden’shas 2 hours of open bar EVERY GAME NIGHT. And that is more awesome than the $2.39 beers from CF Angel Pagan’s mediocre average. $3.5 mil doesn’t get you what it used to.

Philadelphia

Get yourself a tower of beer at Chickie and Pete’s for a mere $2.25. Ben Francisco and his $1.2 mil combined with Cliff Lee to bring a Series title back to Philly.

Washington

  Duh.

Central

Cincinnati

At the In-Between Tavern, Johnny Gomes pathetic .214 average will get you a solidly cheap beer. Reds fans wish they could say the same about their outfielder. (UPDATE: Reds have raised their prices already as Johnny Gomes has been traded to the Nats. Edgar Renteria will still get you a cold one for $2.33)

Chicago Cubs

Carlos Pena is paid a lot of money to hit the ball ($10 mil to be exact). Where he fails, you can succeed. $2.24 beers at the Cubby Bear Lounge.

Houston

Minute Maid Park is a hitters park. Unless your name is Chris Johnson, and you play 3^rdfor the Astros. In that case, a cup of suds at the Home Plate Grill will only run patrons $2.44.

St. Louis

Hot Shotslooks like a toolshed. Just like the guy earning everyone $2.41 beers,  CF Colby Rasmus. Good thinkg they only pay him $443k.

Milwaukee

Algonquin for “the good land”, Milwaukee also  must be baseball-ese for “I hate hitting” for CF Carlos Gomez. For $1.5 mil, this Scott Boras client will net you $2.20 brews at The Wisco Sports Bar & Grill.

Pittsburgh

The Pirates are playing good ball this year – currently tied for first place. 1b Lyle Overbay has nothing to do with that, swinging away at a .236 clip. Mullen’s Bar and Grill doesn’t mind that he makes $5 mil though!

West

San Francisco

 Aubrey Huff is making $11 million this year, to hit .233. With one good game he might be in the team lead . A beer probably hasn’t been this cheap at The Public House since Will Clark played.

Arizona

It’s hot as f**k in Arizona, everywhere but the batter’s box when 2b Kelly Johnson steps in. For $5.85 million, a beer at Thunder Dan Majerles should run you more than $2.18.

Colorado

MLB must substitute super-humidized balls whenever C Chris Iannetta steps up to bat. His .219 average is thinner than the mountain air. Thirsty Rockies fans can take advantage at Uptown Brothers Brewing Company, and drink away the fact that this light-hitting catcher is bring in $2.5 million

Los Angeles Dodgers

The Short Stop bar still has a MySpace page. Outdated, just like their $8 million dollar utility infielder Juan Uribe, and his .202 average.

San Diego

The Pads like to wear camo unis occasionally, in honor of the largest Naval base on the West Coast. Ryan Ludwick must be swinging at an camo-ball. Why else would beers be $2.41 at The Corner for a guy making $6.8 million??

There you have it folks – the worst everyday hitter on each team in the majors, along with a place you could get a (fictional) cheap bear pegged to their average. Wouldn’t it be nice if more places were like  Duffy’s Irish Pub?

Williams has given a few interviews, crying about how his former boss/bestie, Eldrick Woods, ditched him.  He had the gall to say that his name should have been cleared from the scandal of his rich boss indiscriminately tapping cocktail whores.  Umm, waitress, another bourbon for Mr. Williams.

Is he f**king drunk? NO ONE CARES ABOUT STEVE WILLIAMS. I forgot he existed until Tiger broke up with him.

I keep referring to this as a break-up, as opposed to a business dissolution, because that is how Williams is treating it. What kind of “best man” bitches about this kind of stuff in public? Straight to the horse’s mouth, buddy, that’s how you deal with it.

This all just confirms my thought that these two were each other best friends by default. Nevermind the estimated $20 million in earnings, to go along with a Nike sponsorship, that he has Mr. Woods to thank for.  Hell, he should have been paying Tiger.

The first rule of changing your life is leaving EVERYTHING behind- that includes your caddy/pal that is either too stupid or too spineless to recognize when you are becoming an epic skid-mark. If Steve Williams were any kind of real friend, he would have aired the grievances in private, challenged Tiger to a wrestling match, and said “Alright pal, how can I help?”

Mr. Lopez took part in a life-altering event when he caught Derek Jeter’s 3,000 hit. It couldn’t have been anymore seren-f**king-dipitous. Not only does Jeter hit a dinger on # 3k, but he hits it to a dude with $100k+ in debt?! They make movies out of s**t like this!

But Lopez would have none of it. He willingly gave up the ball for some tickets and other swag. WHICH, ironically, might end up costing him ANOTHER 15 large if the IRS decides to treat the gear as income, as opposed to gifts. If you ask me, they should consider that s**t income. He was given one gift that day, and he swapped it. His best hope lies on the ability of the IRS to take pity on a fool. Hehe.

What tickles me newborn-girl pink is the irony of this situation. A guy so deep in debt that he won’t escape it if he lives to be a 150, has every problem solved in an instant, only to turn give it back. And give it back to a guy that was angered to be offered $45 million over 3 years, and coming off the worst season of his career.

People have been calling Christian Lopez a noble, an honorable, and a commendable young man. But isn’t improving your life the noble, honorable, and commendable thing? The argument for giving back the ball goes along the lines of, “the person who caught the ball did nothing to earn the money that goes with it.” Erroneous. He bought a ticket to that game, hoping for what exactly happened to happen. And Lopez and his father had to make sure no other skeevy Yankee fans got their paws on that ball.

A real baseball fan knows that the greatest lesson the game offers is maximizing opportunities. The game revolves around that premise –the stolen bases, the hit-and-runs; the suicide squeezes, and the hanging-curves-turned-rocket-ships. If he hits the lottery, is he going to give the money back to the girl that draws the numbers??

Talk about a swing and a miss… this was a meatball thrown right down funky Broadway, at you, Christian Lopez. And all you got was a lousy tax bill? Catch ya on Cops, simp.

Andy Reid

Any list with bad fathers has to include Reid. A perfect example of sacrificing your family for work, BOTH of Reid’s sons were sentenced to 23 months in jail for separate drug related incidents on the same January day in 2007. 22-year-old Britt pulled a gun on a motorist following an altercation, and pled guilty to a string of felony gun and drug charges. 24-year-old Garret was a drug dealer who smashed into another car while high on heroin, and then smuggled 90 pills into jail in his ass.  Some people are really good at diagramming football plays, and some people are really good at raising children. Some are even really good at both. Andy Reid isn’t one of those people.

Jim Pierce

Father of professional tennis player Mary Pierce, he was such an asshole that his daughter filed a restraining order against him.  Oh, and when Mary was 12, he screamed at her from the stands, about her opponent, “MARY, KILL THE BITCH!!”

Marc O’Hair

Pro golfer Sean’s dad was a tyrannical prick about his son’s golf future, and in particular, his place in it. After forcing Sean to drop out of high school to turn pro after his junior year, he then forced him to sign contracts guaranteeing him 10% of any future golf earnings.  Sean was forced to run a mile for every bogey he shot and for every stroke over par.  Marc’s behavior led to an estrangement that continues to this day, surprise surprise.

Marv Marinovich

LEGENDARY in the realm bad fatherhood, Marv was dead-set on engineering himself a quarterback. “Roboquarterback” Todd was forbidden from any processed sugars – he brought his own cake and ice cream to birthday parties. Marv started stretching his son’s hamstrings in his CRIB.  Todd was drafted ahead of Brett Favre’s penis in the 1991 draft, and was out of the NFL the next year. This was due to a drug career that rivaled his football career, and ultimately surpassed it.

Antonio Cromartie

Cromartie has sown his seed far and wide, as he has 9 children with 8 women in 6 states. Hahahaha.  Now, having tons of kids doesn’t mean you’re a bad father. Not helping to support them does, though. The Jets had to advance Antonio $500k to make back child support payments. Also, struggling to remember their names makes you look like a dick too.

Evander Holyfield

The Real Deal is a renowned p***y-hound, as he has at least 11 children.  And it’s rather appalling that a guy who made about $250 million in his career to try to have his child support reduced. Uhh, dude, if you don’t want to pay $40k/year for a kid, stop knocking girls up.

Shawn Kemp

The Rain Man got around. Like any good NBA player, he has enough kids to start his own AAU team. 7, at least, with rumors of more. Kemp has been a bad seed (no pun intended) for most of his life. He left the Kentucky program after he was caught trying to pawn jewelry stolen from coach Eddie Sutton’s son.  He’s been arrested twice since 05 for gun and drug charges. He was also involved with convicted murderer Bobby Cutts’ baby’s mama at one point,  banging her out while Cutts broke down the door to get in.   

Calvin Murphy

Calvin would make Cromartie, Kemp, and Holyfield blush. He has 14 children with 9 different women. And while he was acquitted of the charge, he was tried for sexually abusing 5 of them. CUUHHHREEEEP!

William Ligue, Jr

“Who the hell is William Ligue Jr.?” you ask? Well, due to the military-like rules that MLB has about its video, we can’t show it to you here. But this is the shirtless hillbilly that, along with his white-trash son, attacked Royals first base coach Tom Gamboa in 2002. Nothing like bondin’ with tha boy at a ball game!

Travis Henry

9 kids. 9 mothers. Since he was in high school. Give Henry one thing, he’s got stick-to-it-iveness. He owes $170k yearly in child support. Which will be tough to pay while he’s spending 3 years in federal pound-you-in-the-ass prison for cocaine trafficking.

It was scary, clumsily performed, and it was a little embarrassing. Not unlike how Cavs fans felt following last year’s Game 5 debacle against Boston in the conference semi-finals. And, like your aforementioned virgin ass, the 2^nd time it happened was MUCH better! 

Cavs fans, and decent human beings the world over, were higher than a giraffe’s ass following LeBron’s 2^nd Annual Playoff Magic Show. How do you make the most talented basketball player on the planet disappear? Tell him it’s a big moment. 

Last year against Boston, James was merely a warm body for the entire first 3 quarters, not making his first bucket until there were 5 minutes left in the 3^rd. 

This year, he has a total of 4 points in the 4^th quarters. That’s plural, as in multiple games. 4 of them to be exact. I’d say game 4 was the worst I’ve ever seen him play, but it’s hard to remember him even playing.  And while his production level is almost intolerable, his effort was downright inexcusable. Watch the replay of Dirk’s layup to win it and look at LeBron. He looks like a new species of tree, growing roots right there on the baseline of American Airlines Arena.

If last year is any indication as to how James will bounce back, he will coast upon his limitless potential to a statistically superior game. Game 6 of the Boston series last year saw James post possibly the weakest triple-double in NBA history. He was clearly uninterested in the outcome of the game, and it infected the rest of the team, as they put forth one of the more gutless playoff efforts in competitive sports.

James says he is ready for Game 5 tonight, calling it the biggest game of his life. He had better be ready, because the more he vanishes on the court, the brighter the lights will shine off it.

Daisuke had something called a “gyroball”, to go along with 5 other pitches. And if you believed the Red Sox hype (or any Masshole Sawx fans you know), he was going to be the most unhittable pitcher since the Rocket. For one year, in 2008, he approached those expectations, going 18-3 with a 2.90 ERA.

But for his career, he has been hopelessly disappointing. Baseball Reference has Daisuke ranked slightly ahead of Eric Plunk historically, at #799. Not terrible, considering that there are approximately 300 pitchers in the league at any given minute. His career ERA is 4.25, and he threw 200+ innings in his rookie year, 2007, when he also led the league in walks. Again, not bad-UNLESS your team forked over 100 million smackeroos for your services.

Daisuke hasn’t pitched since May 19^th, and the speculation is rampant that he will soon have season-ending Tommy John surgery. The timetable for return from the procedure is 12-18 months, and Daisuke’s contract will expire after the 2012 season. Which means it’s all over but the cryin’ for this miserable couple.  

Neither one in this couple got what they wanted. PSYCHE!! The Red Sox didn’t get what they wanted out of their $100 million f**king dollars. Daisuke got a big fat American gut and an even fatter paycheck. So Looks like the joke is on Boston, and rightly so. Not even the Yankees ponied up fifty mil for the honor of negotiating with the prospect. There’s still time though…

“F**king shocked” would be a nice way to describe my reaction to the hire.

The Lakers are replacing Phil Jackson, maybe the greatest coach in team sports history, with Mike Brown, someone known more for his taste in eyewear than his basketball prowess.  This has to be a rebound hire, and not a long term solution.  This is the fat girl you bone after your dime-piece fiancé dumps you, to prove to yourself that “yeah, I can still get laid”.

Living in Ohio, I had the opportunity to watch Brown’s 5 year tenure as an NBA coach in Cleveland. Not only was it boring, it was f**k-all boring. Brown had the most unstoppable athlete in NBA history on his team, yet the Cavs offense seemed to mainly rely on James dribbling at the top of the key for 17 seconds, then deciding to shoot or kick.

Brown’s teams were known for their suffocating defense, but I would like to suggest that the Cavs defensive numbers might have been a result of the super-s**tty Eastern Conference they dominated. Once they played good teams in the playoffs, they were taken apart. Anyone remember the Magic series in 2009? Stan van Gundy worked that ass, and this is the first time anyone has ever uttered that sentiment.

James routinely disrespected Brown in Cleveland, so he should at least be prepared for the inevitable bashing coming his way from Kobe. My sincere hope, though, is that Brown can help mend Gasol’s broken heart and earn a title before that s**tbird in Miami.

I watched something like 100+ college games this year, pre-tourney, and never once saw this rule used. Obviously because referees are blind. Or maybe it’s just f**king impossible to judge a 2 foot hemisphere from the middle of a point 4.5 feet above your head while sprinting. The current zone is not painted on the floor.

Regardless, this can only be good for the game. It should help to eliminate the flopping that has somehow become a legitimate defensive philosophy. A thorough 2.5 -3 minute search didn’t yield me any stats, but as any sighted fan knows, Duke has raised charge-taking to an almost religious level.

Nothing starts a crowd-boner among the Crazies like a good charge . They have a long line of floppers, from Wojo and Battier, to Greg Paulus, to Zoubek, yada yada yada. (That Paulus vid might be the best/worst flop ever). Go ahead and Google “Duke flops”- you’ll get 2.2 million results, every one of them glorious examples of why people hate them.

They have co-opted the offensive foul into playing basketball “the Duke way”, and it has become so ingrained in their value system that I can’t help but see them being significantly affected by this rule change. They will be forced to change, though. If not, Coach K is about to see the already significant talent gap he suffers against rival Carolina become even wider.

Charges, when implemented as part of game plan, can be an incredible equalizer against a more talented opponent. But it’s a cheap parlor trick; it hides what is in plain sight. This will force teams to be more clever with their schemes, and maybe it will finally expose those preppy chumps for the overachievers they really are.

And here is a pic of Brian Scalabrine this year as Bull:

Did you notice the difference? No? That’s because there isn’t one. He’s wearing the same uniform – his suit. He has been on the roster of two different playoff teams in the last 2 seasons. Why? No f**king clue. Last year, for the Celtics, the White Mamba earned $3.4 million dollars, and averaged 9 min in 52 games. The only benefit he provided was that he gave the Celtics Paleolithic roster a chance to catch their breath once in a while.

This year, he was signed by the Chicago Bulls, presumably to play basketball.  Au contraire. S-Cal only suited up for 18 games, averaging under  5 minutes per appearance. This year, he earned a cool $1.2 million. That’s $67k every time he checked in, or roughly 670 times what I earn writing. 

In his 9 year career, Scalabrine has been paid almost $19 million. He averages 3.2 pts, 2.1 rebounds, and is a 35% 3-pt shooter. 

Welcome to the NBA, where being a cheerleader is FAAAANNNNN-TASTIC!!

1. CarolinaPanthers: Needs- a miracle. Going to take- Cam Newton, QB Auburn. Because any time you can get a 3^rd year pro with bad form at the #1 spot, you just have to do it.  
2. Denver Broncos: Needs – John Elway to wear a jersey and not a suit. Going to take – Marcel Dareus, DT Alabama I’d never heard of the guy until this week.  
3. Buffalo Bills: Needs –moved to Toronto. Going to take –Jimmy Smith, CB Colorado. Wait, you aren’t supposed to overpick a DB here?  
4. Cincinnati Bengals: Needs –a death in the family. Going to take – AJ Green, WR Georgia. When you’re Mike Brown and your QB threatens you with retirement, there is only one choice, and it’s wide out.  
5. Arizona Cardinals: Needs – Jesus to clear Kurt Warner’s head. Going to take -  Blaine Gabbert, QB Missouri. Mizzou hasn’t taken a snap under center in the Pinkel era. Sounds like a shoo-in for the Pro Bowl, no? 
6. Cleveland Browns: Needs – this AMAZING website.  Going to take – Patrick Peterson, CB LSU. They could f**k up a wet dream. No reason for that to change 
7. San Francisco 49ers: Needs – 1992 back, and bad. Going to take – Andrew Luck, QB Stanford. Wait, he’s not available. They’ll take some s**tty offensive player. How about Mike Pouncey, G Florida
8. Tennessee Titans- Needs – leadership, and not from this guy.  Going to take – Von Miller, LB TX A&M. I’m starting to nod off at this point.
9. Dallas Cowboys: Needs – spine. Going to take- Nick Fairley, DT Auburn.  They always go for talent, and he has it. Never-you-mind the dirty play allegations.
10. Washington Redskins: Needs – the Fountain of Youth .Going to take – Prince Amukamara, CB Nebraska.  I don’t think they have an offensive contributor under 30. But they love “talented” DBs a lot.
11. Houston Texans:Needs – a new coach. Is Bill Parcells available? Going to take -   Tyron Smith, T USC. Snore..
12. Minnesota Vikings: Needs – the most obvious need in the league. Going to take – Da’Quan Bowers, DE Clemson. C’mon, Leslie Frazier AND Mike Singletary on the same staff? Defense, all day.
13. Detroit Lions: Needs – a milk IV for Stafford’s menopausal- woman bones. Going to take –a wide receiver here is too easy. And I actually think these bums are headed in the right direction. Right into the basement again!!  Julio Jones, WR Alabama
14. St. Louis Rams: Needs – I wish I knew. I don’t think I saw one snap of this flyover team. Going to take –Anthony Costonzo, T BC. 2011, Year of the Anonymous Giant
15. Miami Dolphins: Needs – talent. Going to take – Jake Locker, QB Washington. Why not. They’re QB blows. So does the rest of the offense, like it has since 1999.
16. Jacksonville Jaguars: Needs – they have hot fans covered. That’s all I’ve got. Going to take – Ryan Kerrigan, DE Purdue. I hate this jerk, because he terrorized Notre Dame for what seemed like eons, so I just want him to go somewhere that isn’t ever on television. 

There you have it folks, the first annual JOCKpost “Mock” Draft. Steal my jokes.