What Athletes Need To Make A New Year’s Resolution For 2011?

Everyone makes resolutions for the New Year, and by the end of January most go by the wayside.  Here is a list of New Year’s Resolutions that I would love to see athletes make for the coming year;

-John Isner and Nicolas Mahut, the participants in the longest tennis match of all time – To sit down together and play a nice SHORT game.  May I suggest the board game “The Longest Day”.  Average game lasts just 5400 minutes!

-NASCAR phenom Jimmy Johnson who has won fifth straight title – To get a clue.  C’mon man, you’re making driving around in a circle for three hours even less exciting.

-Kobe Bryant and the Los Angeles Lakers – Perform a three-peat.  I don’t particularly care for you, but anyone but the Heat.

-Roy Halladay -  To get some recognition.  He is the best pitcher in baseball.  Hands down.

-Armando Gallarage – To pitch another a perfect game.  Without Jim Joyce in the stadium.

-The Vuvuzela -  To die.  And never come back.

-Michael Vick -  To adopt a Golden Doodle.  And love it. 

-Floyd Mayweather -  To stop ducking Manny Pacquiao.  Sissy.

-Tiger Woods -  To move past his transgressions and reclaim his place as the most dominant athlete in his sport.  And to meet Jen Sterger.  I bet they’d get along great.

-Justin Blackmon -  To get drafted by the Cleveland Browns and immediately be the most dominant wide receiver in the AFC  North.

-Chuck Liddell -  To enjoy retirement.  Though judging by his last 6 fights, it looks like “The Iceman” has been retired since Quinton “Rampage” Jackson punched his face in 2 minutes into UFC 71 back in 2007.

-Jim Tressell -  To continue to shield the blame for his athletes, when clearly he was not at fault.  The Sweater Vest is far and away the classiest coach in college football and if he loses his job because a handful of ungrateful athletes think they are bigger than the game, Ohio State isn’t the only one who will lose.  All of college football will.

-North Carolina Tarheels Basketball -  To start winning games.  Four losses and it isn’t even January?  You’re NORTH FREAKING CAROLINA.  THE premier college basketball school.  Stop losing.  It’s embarrassing.

-Stephen Strasburg – To get healthy.  Very rarely have I seen a major league prospect live up to the kind of hype Strasburg had coming into the 2010 baseball season.  Even more rare is the fact that he absolutely blew the expectations out of the water.  This kid is special.

-Cam Newton – To give back your Heisman Trophy.  We all know it’s going to be stripped in a few years anyway. 

-The Kansas City Chiefs coordinators – To lose a collective 400 pounds.  We were able to obtain this picture of Romeo Crennell and Charlie Weiss heading to practice yesterday. 

-Peyton Hillis -  To get some help on the offensive side of the ball.  We all enjoyed watching The Great White Buffalo run over opposing defenses this year, but imagine how amazing he would be if the Browns added a few playmakers around him.

-The New York Yankees -  To finish third in the AL East.  Nobody likes watching a team buy its way to the playoffs year after year.

-College Fantasy Football on CBSsports.com – To get some run.  With a looming NFL lockout, this could tide over fantasy fanatics in the absence of the real thing.  Plus, it’s awesome.

-Mike Singletary – To get a hug.  That was hard to watch.

-TCU Football -  To stick it to the BCS and blow Wisconsin out of the water, proving once again that the BCS is terrible and show a need for a playoff system.  (Unfortunately, I feel this will be one of those resolutions that may not come true!  Sorry Horned Frogs!)

-Oregon Ducks Football -  To get new uniforms.  Sweet steel feathers, Chip Kelly.

-Vince Young – To get a new team and a fresh start.  In college, you were THE man.  In the pros?  Continuous hissy fits and bailing on your coach and team make you barely A man.

-The NFC West – To have a team with a winning record.  Terrible.

-Lebron James – To hire a new agent, a new publicist, a new manager, a new PR firm, and try and fix the seemingly irreparable damage that you did to your image over the past 9 months.  Just kidding, Lebron.  Don’t change a thing.  You’re the worst.